The Calvinist Chronicle

  What Joseph's face might have looked like after hearing about Mary's "perpetual virginity." Joseph, Did You Know... You'd Stay a Virgin, Too? *To the tune of Mary, Did You Know? Joseph, did you know   That your wedding night would end in prayer and fasting?   Joseph, did you know   That your dreams of love would face a vow everlasting?   Did you know   That your chaste embrace would guard a virgin's call?   And that your marriage bed   Would be the holiest of all? Joseph, did you know   That your baby boy would redefine your mission?   Joseph, did you know   That perpetual virginity was Mary’s disposition?   Did you know   That your sacrifice would shape salvation’s plan?   And that your silent suffering   Would make you God’s best man? The vows stayed true, the nights were cold,   Your patience shone like gold.   The ange...

“If He Can Throw Hands With Arius, Then He Can Fight Me!” This will undoubtably secure the “Problem Child” (left) a spot on Santa’s (right) Naughty List  In a shocking turn of events, Jake Paul has issued a challenge to none other than St. Nicholas, claiming he can't let the jolly saint's historical knockout of Arius go unpunished. "If Santa can throw hands, so can I!" declared Paul, who recently celebrated a victory against Mike Tyson, a man who "almost blanked out" during their bout.  The boxing match is set to take place in a North Pole ring, where elves will serve as judges. Fans are already speculating whether St. Nick will attempt to add coal to his gloves as a tactical advantage. "I’ve seen him take down a heretic; I’m not scared!" Paul added, referencing the legendary slap from the Council of Nicea. While some question the legitimacy of this matchup, others are just excited for the holiday-themed trash talk. Rumor has it that Santa has alre...

Woman Considers Trading in Handmaid’s Tale Costume for Puritan Outfit  In a surprising turn of events, local liberal Christian, Emily Harmon, found herself in a heated theological debate after a chance encounter with Calvinist theologian, Dr. John Predestine. The conversation took an unexpected twist when Dr. Predestine casually remarked, “Your soul, God’s choice,” leaving Emily both flabbergasted and fashionably flustered. “I was just trying to enjoy my fair-trade latte,” Emily recounted, “when this guy starts talking about predestination like it’s the latest Netflix series. I mean, who does that?” The comment has sparked an identity crisis for Emily, who is now considering trading in her cherished “Handmaid’s Tale” costume for something more… Puritanical. “I never thought I’d say this, but maybe bonnets are the new protest symbol,” she mused while browsing online for historically accurate Puritan attire. In response to the incident, Emily has organized a protest march titled “My ...

Controversial Political Career Rises From the Grave and Ascends to Great Heights In a dramatic turn of events, a renowned leader, once stricken down by false charges and an unjust conviction, has astounded the world by rising again to proclaim his victory. This remarkable figure, known for his groundbreaking teachings and widespread influence, faced intense scrutiny and opposition from established authorities who viewed him as a disruptive force. Despite the conviction and the seemingly insurmountable odds, this leader has made an astonishing comeback. Emerging from what many believed to be his downfall, he has declared triumph over the forces that sought to silence him. His return has been met with jubilant celebration from his followers, who see this as a vindication of his mission and message. This extraordinary event underscores the resilience and enduring impact of a leader whose influence continues to resonate across generations. As he stands victorious, his story serves as a pow...

Ba’al’s Bathroom Break Leaves Modern Supporters in a Lurch: “Maybe He’ll Hear Us If We Yell Louder!” In an unexpected twist, Ba'al, the ancient deity once mocked by Elijah for being "on the toilet," seems to be taking an extended break, leaving modern followers puzzled. Much like the ancient devotees who found themselves mocked by Elijah for their misplaced faith, today's supporters of certain political figures find their prayers unanswered. In ancient times, followers offered child sacrifices to deities like Ba'al for favorable outcomes. Today, some argue that modern women seek abortions to maintain their lifestyle or pursue prosperous careers, drawing parallels to these ancient rites.  As Ba'al remains occupied, modern followers are left contemplating whether their sacrifices will ever yield the desired success. Meanwhile, the debate over personal and societal gains continues, echoing the motivations of ancient rituals.

Leighton Flowers Declares War on Calvinism: Wants Election Day to Sound Less Predestined and More Like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure  In a twist on theological debates, Leighton Flowers has started a petition to rename "Election Day" to "Choose This Day Whom You Will Serve Day," aiming to highlight his disdain for Calvinism's doctrine of election.  Flowers, known for his opposition to the idea that God unconditionally chooses certain individuals for salvation, argues that the current name inadvertently endorses Calvinist predestination. "Why should Election Day imply a predetermined outcome?" he quipped, suggesting the new name would better reflect the freedom of choice he advocates.  Critics wonder if this is just another chapter in his ongoing crusade against Calvinism.

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice  In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...