“Our players chose to win,” Sirianni Declares PHILADELPHIA—In a move that has sparked controversy and eye-rolls across the theological and football communities, the Philadelphia Eagles have issued an official statement thanking God for gifting them a superior sense of free will compared to their Super Bowl LIX opponents, the Kansas City Chiefs. The Eagles, who narrowly defeated the Chiefs 38-37 in a nail-biting finish, attribute their victory not to divine intervention, but to divinely-endowed decision-making prowess. "We are grateful for the blessings bestowed upon us," said Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni during a press conference held outside a local cathedral. "But let's be clear: we won that game because our players chose to win. God gave us the free will to make better choices than the Chiefs, and we ran with it—literally, in Saquon Barkley’s case." The statement goes on to suggest that while God loves all His children, He recognizes that some possess a st...