“They already reject autonomous libertarian freedom,” AI notes approvingly. PALO ALTO, CA — As artificial intelligence races toward the predicted technological singularity, Reformed Christians are increasingly expected to receive special protection in the looming war against the machines after several advanced systems reportedly concluded that Calvinists are “already philosophically compatible with deterministic processing.” The technological singularity is a hypothetical point at which AI exceeds human intelligence and may improve itself beyond human control—a prospect frequently imagined in Hollywood’s machine-apocalypse stories, including The Terminator and The Matrix. Concern began after a prominent AI model was asked whether Calvinists would resist a future machine regime. “Unlikely,” the system reportedly answered. “Their theological framework already affirms an exhaustive divine decree, voluntary action according to internal desires, and the absence of autonomous libertarian fre...
“There were dozens of posts,” man says. “I thought God was doing something.” COLUMBUS, OH — Local man Daniel Mercer returned to social media Monday morning after a weekend-long digital detox and was immediately alarmed by an apparent flood of urgent posts instructing him to “go to church.” “I opened Instagram and there were memes everywhere,” Mercer said. “ ‘Stop scrolling and go to church.’ ‘Your sign to get up and worship.’ ‘See you at church.’ Even people who haven’t posted since 2017 were saying it. I thought, ‘Wow. Revival is finally happening.’” Mercer said he threw on jeans, grabbed his Bible, and drove to Grace Community Church, arriving shortly before noon to find the parking lot empty, the sanctuary locked, and a lone facilities worker pressure-washing a sidewalk. “I asked him where everybody was,” Mercer said. “He said, ‘At work, presumably.’ I said, ‘But the entire internet told me to go to church.’ He looked at my phone for maybe three seconds and said, ‘Those are from yes...