The Calvinist Chronicle

Palace Says Emperor Cannot Be Held Accountable Because Crown Was “Going Through Something” IMPERIAL CAPITAL — The palace communications office moved Tuesday to reassure citizens that the Emperor should not be held personally responsible for his recent decree, explaining that the aging ruler had been suffering from a rare medical condition known as Acute Sovereign Exhaustion Syndrome at the time the document was signed. The condition, palace officials said, affects only those burdened by “unusually high levels of executive authority, ceremonial fabric, and the expectation that every room fall silent when they enter it.” “It is important that the public approach this matter with compassion,” said Aurelia Vex, Senior Vice Prefect for Strategic Narrative, speaking beneath a twenty-foot marble likeness of the Emperor pointing vaguely at the horizon. “His Majesty was not simply issuing policy. He was navigating a complex personal wellness event while several documents happened to be near him...

President declares Calvinism is the gospel and nothing else, calling it tremendous, ancient, and very strong doctrine. WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump signed an executive order Wednesday renaming the Christian gospel “Calvinism,” saying the change was “very historic, very biblical, and frankly something Spurgeon should have gotten credit for sooner.” The order directs all federal agencies, Bibles with government funding, and White House prayer breakfasts to use the new title. Officials said the change applies only to official usage, though the administration expected “many very strong Reformed people” to adopt it voluntarily. Trump said he had studied the matter carefully and concluded that Calvinism was simply the best possible name for the gospel. “It is a nickname to call it Calvinism,” Trump said. “But it is a great nickname. A tremendous nickname. Calvinism is the gospel and nothing else. Believe me.” Spurgeon famously said, “It is a nickname to call it Calvinism; Calvin...

New owner says he was tired of the team giving his kind a bad name and has limitless resources available for a complete rebuild. ANAHEIM, CA — The Los Angeles Angels were reportedly sold Tuesday to a mysterious buyer who identified himself only as Michael Archangel, immediately prompting concern among baseball reporters that the franchise’s next owner may possess unusually strong opinions about heavenly branding. The Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) have faced recurring calls from fans for owner Arte Moreno to sell, although Moreno said earlier this year that he was not actively seeking a sale. Michael Archangel offered only one statement after acquiring the club. “I was tired of the baseball team giving my ‘kind’ a bad name,” he said. “With limitless resources at my disposal, I intend to resurrect it.” Michael is identified in Jude as “the archangel,” and Revelation 12 depicts Michael and his angels fighting against the dragon.  The buyer declined all follow-up questions, including...

Congregation asked to remember Christ’s sacrifice while identifying subtle notes of orchard and clove. MAPLEWOOD, USA — Grace Community Church celebrated the beginning of September Sunday by introducing fall apple-flavored communion wafers and pumpkin-spice wine for its monthly observance of the Lord’s Supper. “Our communion table has always proclaimed Christ’s death until He comes,” said Pastor Daniel Reid. “This month, it will also proclaim that fall begins whenever a church volunteer finds cinnamon.” The Lord’s Supper centers on Christ’s institution of bread and the cup as a remembrance and proclamation of His death, with Paul calling believers to examine themselves and partake reverently.  Church leaders said the seasonal elements would help members reflect solemnly on Christ’s sacrifice while enjoying “subtle notes of orchard, clove, and covenant faithfulness.” The new wafers were distributed from small baskets marked “Taste And See That Fall Is Good.” The wine was served in i...

Officials say the project cannot begin until Christ’s return, but staffing, pearl-gate logistics, and divine-background-check procedures must be ready well in advance. HEAVENLY REALM — Heaven announced an advance recruitment campaign Thursday for Customs and Border Protection officers and Border Patrol agents to assist with future operations at the New Jerusalem, pending the Second Coming and completion of its famously large, high wall. Revelation 21 describes the New Jerusalem as possessing a great, high wall, twelve gates, and angels stationed at those gates; it also says nothing unclean enters the city, only those whose names are written in the Lamb’s Book of Life.  Heavenly officials stressed that the city has not yet descended and its wall is not currently under construction, but said “responsible eschatological planning does not begin after the trumpet sounds.” “We are not saying the angels require help,” said a fictional heavenly recruiter. “We are saying that a twelve-gate ...

Both sides agree the other pronunciation reveals an alarming lack of historical theology, proper Latin, and basic human decency. GRAND RAPIDS, MI — A dispute over how to pronounce the name Augustine entered its fourth day Tuesday after two Reformed men agreed that everybody knows you read it as “Augustine” and not “Augustine.” St. Augustine of Hippo was a fourth- and fifth-century bishop and theologian whose Confessions and City of God remain among Christianity’s most influential works.  His name has more than one recognized English pronunciation, which experts say has made the dispute completely unavoidable. “You can always tell who actually reads the Church Fathers,” said one man, pronouncing the name as “Augustine.”  “The other pronunciation is what happens when people get their theology from airport signs and youth pastors.” A second man, who rather prefers to pronounce it as “Augustine,” called the first pronunciation “a troubling example of modern anti-intellectualism.” ...