The Calvinist Chronicle

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John Calvin Orders Stuart Smalley Burned At Stake For “Heretical” Daily Affirmations

Reformer says “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me” contradicts total depravity, unconditional election; Smalley calls it “stinkin’ thinkin’” from the pulpit. GENEVA, 1553 — John Calvin ordered the comedian and self-help guru Stuart Smalley to be burned at the stake Tuesday after determining that Smalley’s daily affirmations—particularly the phrase “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”—constituted heretical opposition to the doctrines of total depravity and unconditional election. Smalley, known for mirror-work exercises and catchphrases like “That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’!” had been summoned to Geneva after publishing a pamphlet titled “Daily Affirmations for the Predestined: You’re Okay, Even If You’re Not Elect.” Calvin, who had recently overseen the execution of Michael Servetus for denying the Trinity and infant baptism, said Smalley’s teachings were “equally dangerous, if more annoying.” “To say ‘I’m good enough’ is to d...

Men’s Fellowship Just An Excuse For Fantasy Football Once Season Starts, Admit Leaders

Pastor says group’s “Bible study, accountability, and prayer” mission “shifts gears” in September; attendance triples when waiver wire opens. GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Leaders of a local church’s men’s fellowship acknowledged Tuesday that the group’s stated mission of “Bible study, accountability, and prayer” becomes “mostly fantasy football” once the NFL season starts, with attendance tripling in September and “spontaneous waiver-wire prayer requests” replacing planned devotions. The fellowship, which meets weekly for breakfast and has a printed mission statement emphasizing spiritual growth, discipleship, and service, reportedly sees a sharp increase in participation once fantasy drafts conclude and Week 1 lineups lock. “Our mission hasn’t changed,” said Pastor Mark DeWitt, who oversees the men’s ministry. “But our content has. In August, we’re talking about Joshua and leadership. In September, we’re talking about whether Justin Jefferson is a WR1 or a ‘start him and pray.’” DeWitt said the...

Jurors Complain Lone Holdout Refused To Bow To Molech

Three jurors say ancient deity’s compassion and humor were “remarkable”; one holdout “would not worship,” kept saying “these were actual children.” BOSTON, USA — Three jurors from a recent high-profile trial said Wednesday they were frustrated by a lone holdout who “refused to bow to Molech” and “kept saying these were actual children, not offerings,” despite their praise for the biblical idol’s compassion and humor. “His concern for families was amazing,” one juror said of Molech. “You could tell he really cared about children. In a very intense, fire-based way.” Molech, a Canaanite deity associated with child sacrifice, is condemned throughout the Hebrew Bible, particularly in Leviticus, where God commands Israel not to offer their offspring to the idol. The three jurors, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said they found Molech’s presence in the courtroom “almost comforting,” despite his reputation for requiring parents to burn their firstborn. “He had this warmth,” another j...

Man Places Christian Fish Emblem On Car To Excuse Bad Driving

Driver says the Ichthys is not a statement of faith, but a preemptive apology for merging without signaling. SPRINGFIELD, USA — Local motorist Gary Thompson has placed a Christian fish emblem on the back of his sedan, not to declare his faith, but to excuse his bad driving. “I just want people to know that if I cut them off, it’s not personal,” Thompson said. “It’s theological.” Thompson said he installed the chrome Ichthys last week after a series of close calls on the interstate. “People were honking, yelling, flashing lights,” he said. “Then I saw a car with the fish, and the driver waved instead of flipping me off. I thought, ‘That’s the brand I need.’” Thompson said he understood the symbol’s original meaning, but felt it could be repurposed for modern traffic conditions. “I know it stands for ‘Jesus Christ, God’s Son, Savior,’” he said. “But in my case, it stands for ‘Jesus Cover My Tailgating, Christ Cover My Turn Signal, Savior Cover My Lane Change.’” Thompson said he had consi...

Man Accidentally Traces Pentagram While Tightening Lug Nuts, Begins Praying “Jesus Take The Wheel”

He fears he has cursed the vehicle, though experts say the tire is now safely secured, so long as the proper amount of torque was used. HARTFORD, CT — Local Christian man Brad Ellison entered a state of mild spiritual panic Saturday after tightening the lug nuts on his car in the recommended star pattern and realizing he had spent the last five minutes drawing what appeared to be a pentagram directly onto the wheel. The star or crisscross sequence is a standard method for evenly tightening five-lug wheels, helping prevent uneven pressure and wheel distortion. But Ellison said the safety rationale did little to comfort him once he noticed the pattern’s five-point geometry. “I was just trying to torque everything to manufacturer specification,” Ellison said. “Then I stepped back and thought, ‘Why does this look like something my youth pastor warned us about in 2004?’” A pentagram is a five-pointed star figure, historically used in several contexts and sometimes associated with the o...

Herod Palace Says Decree Targeting Bethlehem’s Young Boys Was “A Wellness Event, Not a Policy Decision”

Palace Says Emperor Cannot Be Held Accountable Because Crown Was “Going Through Something” IMPERIAL CAPITAL — The palace communications office moved Tuesday to reassure citizens that the Emperor should not be held personally responsible for his recent decree, explaining that the aging ruler had been suffering from a rare medical condition known as Acute Sovereign Exhaustion Syndrome at the time the document was signed. The condition, palace officials said, affects only those burdened by “unusually high levels of executive authority, ceremonial fabric, and the expectation that every room fall silent when they enter it.” “It is important that the public approach this matter with compassion,” said Aurelia Vex, Senior Vice Prefect for Strategic Narrative, speaking beneath a twenty-foot marble likeness of the Emperor pointing vaguely at the horizon. “His Majesty was not simply issuing policy. He was navigating a complex personal wellness event while several documents happened to be near him...