“We Would Never,” Leaders Say, While Gesturing Broadly at Several Volumes of Historical Precedent Salt Lake Temple, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints In response to the Presbyterian Church (USA)’s ongoing debates over whether monogamy is, in fact, more of a “guideline than a rule,” leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released a statement this week that experts are describing as “technically restrained, but spiritually… suggestive.” The statement, titled “On the Matter of Historical Enthusiasm,” reaffirmed that the LDS Church does not practice polygamy, has not practiced polygamy, and would like to be very clear that it is absolutely not practicing polygamy—before proceeding to devote several paragraphs to the rich theological, logistical, and, at times, “deeply character-building” history of having done exactly that. “We wish to emphasize that plural marriage is a concluded chapter,” the statement read, adding, “though one whose lessons remain avail...
“Our players chose to win,” Sirianni Declares PHILADELPHIA—In a move that has sparked controversy and eye-rolls across the theological and football communities, the Philadelphia Eagles have issued an official statement thanking God for gifting them a superior sense of free will compared to their Super Bowl LIX opponents, the Kansas City Chiefs. The Eagles, who narrowly defeated the Chiefs 38-37 in a nail-biting finish, attribute their victory not to divine intervention, but to divinely-endowed decision-making prowess. "We are grateful for the blessings bestowed upon us," said Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni during a press conference held outside a local cathedral. "But let's be clear: we won that game because our players chose to win. God gave us the free will to make better choices than the Chiefs, and we ran with it—literally, in Saquon Barkley’s case." The statement goes on to suggest that while God loves all His children, He recognizes that some possess a st...