The Calvinist Chronicle

Warm sun, cool breeze, and suspiciously well-timed gust leave man wondering whether recent arguments with cage-stage Calvinists were “unfortunately onto something.” PORTLAND, OR — Local internet atheist Derek Mallory began reconsidering Christianity Saturday after a gust of wind blew his fedora into a municipal duck pond during what he called a “deeply reluctant but medically necessary touch-grass excursion.” Mallory had reportedly spent the prior 11 years online explaining that Christianity was mythology for people unable to face reality. But when his fedora sailed off his head, witnesses said he was struck by a sudden, unfamiliar awareness of the warm sun on his face, the cool wind in his hair, and the possibility that the universe might be more than “atoms bumping into other atoms until someone invents brunch.” “I had never really felt wind through my hair before,” Mallory said. “Not like that. The sun was warm. The breeze was cool. There were trees, and birds, and clouds, and I sud...

“My body is a temple,” believer says, “and I simply felt the temple needed larger pillars.” **Satire disclaimer:** This is fictional satire, not medical advice. Do not use, seek, buy, or self-administer HGH for spiritual growth, bodybuilding, athletic performance, or any other unapproved purpose. Consult a qualified medical professional about any health concern. TULSA, OK — Local Christian man Brett Halvorsen has reportedly begun taking human growth hormone in hopes of achieving what he calls “measurable spiritual growth,” after concluding that his prayer life had plateaued because his shoulders were “not yet broad enough to bear the weight of glory.” “I have been reading Scripture,” Halvorsen said, flexing gently beneath a church softball jersey. “The body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. So I thought, if I improve the temple, perhaps the Spirit will have more room to work.” Paul tells believers that their bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and that they should glorify God with thei...

Local atheist says he has transcended primitive creation stories by accepting that conscious moral beings emerged from exploded gas and now possess opinions about brunch. EUGENE, OR — Local man Tyler Hensley, 34, spent most of Saturday explaining that Christians are trapped in an ancient mythology that cannot account for reality, moments before describing himself as “the universe becoming conscious of itself through star stuff.” “We know where we came from now,” Hensley said, gesturing toward a Carl Sagan poster positioned carefully above his record player. “Stars exploded billions of years ago, their matter became me, and eventually I developed a moral obligation to be kind, recycle, and never question why any of that is objectively binding.” Sagan famously described people as being “made of star-stuff,” referring to the fact that elements such as carbon, calcium, nitrogen, and iron were forged in stars. He also called humanity “a way for the cosmos to know itself.” Hensley said this ...

“Do not be afraid,” angel begins, then adds, “Actually, be somewhat afraid: you have cast a woman as an incarnation of My Lord in another realm.” LOS ANGELES, CA — The Angel Gabriel interrupted a Hollywood press conference Monday to address Meryl Streep’s casting as Aslan in Netflix’s forthcoming Narnia: The Magician’s Nephew, informing reporters that the controversy could not be dismissed as merely “a voice actor playing a fictional lion.” “Do not be afraid,” Gabriel announced as the room filled with light and every publicist’s Bluetooth device briefly began playing a Gregorian chant. The angel surveyed the press release describing Streep as the voice of Aslan and sighed. “Actually,” Gabriel continued, “this time be at least moderately afraid. I have not come down in roughly two thousand years to tell you that the eternal Son’s identity may be edited because someone with three Oscars has an excellent voice.” Streep has been confirmed as the voice of Aslan in Greta Gerwig’s adaptation,...

Industry experts scramble to understand how an epic fantasy series gained viewers without issuing a 47-page DEI statement or making Merlin explain his pronouns to a Saxon warband. LOS ANGELES, CA — Hollywood executives expressed confusion this week after The Pendragon Cycle: Rise of the Merlin became a major streaming hit through an unfamiliar and increasingly controversial strategy: telling an excellent story with memorable characters, high stakes, conviction, and themes broad enough to resonate with nearly everyone. The seven-episode adaptation of Stephen R. Lawhead’s Arthurian fantasy novels follows Merlin amid post-Roman Britain’s political upheaval, invasion, warfare, and the rise of a fractured kingdom. It premiered on Prime Video in the United States on September 1 and quickly reached the platform’s top ranks, while drawing an audience score in the mid-80s on Rotten Tomatoes.[yahoo +3] “We have investigated every possibility,” said a stunned studio executive, staring at a whiteb...

Netflix insists the acclaimed actress was cast to voice the Great Lion; production sources confirm the role is actually an elaborate deception orchestrated by Shift the Ape. NARNIA, SOMEWHERE BEYOND THE WARDROBE — After the announcement that Meryl Streep will voice Aslan in Greta Gerwig’s upcoming Narnia: The Magician’s Nephew, concerned fans received clarification Thursday that Streep is not, in fact, portraying the Son of the Emperor-over-the-Sea. Instead, she is reportedly playing Puzzle the Donkey, dressed in a badly tailored yellow lion skin and manipulated from behind the scenes by Shift the Ape. The actual production has confirmed that Streep will voice Aslan in Gerwig’s 2027 Netflix adaptation, with Gerwig saying she wanted someone “profound but not pretentious” who possessed both gravitas and childlike wonder.   But sources within the wardrobe department said the unusual casting made far more sense once viewers understood that the film had unexpectedly jumped ahead to the ...