The Calvinist Chronicle

Critics submit years of critical “you’re a robot” comments as expert testimony. SACRAMENTO, CA — California’s crackdown on unsanctioned human-versus-robot cage fights has created an unexpected crisis for Reformed martial artists after several non-Calvinist commentators demanded that regulators investigate whether affirming divine sovereignty makes a competitor ineligible for the human division. The controversy began when amateur fighter Ezekiel “Total Depravity” Knox listed his religious affiliation as “Reformed Baptist” and an opposing coach immediately filed a complaint alleging “undisclosed deterministic machinery.” “My client agreed to fight a man,” the coach said. “He did not agree to fight a combat unit running the Second London Baptist Confession as its operating system.” The actual California State Athletic Commission action involved a cease-and-desist issued to Robot Entertainment Kombat following an unsanctioned human-versus-robot event in San Francisco—not a blanket prohibit...

 “The nations are clearly being blessed,” says previously pessimistic Christian whose room now includes an ocean view and complimentary breakfast. MAUI, HI — A local Reformed man announced a dramatic change in his eschatology Thursday after discovering that the world looks considerably more hopeful when his employer cannot reach him and someone else prepares breakfast. Jonathan Calvinson, previously an outspoken amillennialist with “serious concerns about the trajectory of Western civilization,” reportedly became convinced of postmillennialism sometime between his second snorkeling excursion, a pineapple-mango mocktail served in a hollowed-out pineapple, and a plate of fresh grilled fish. “For years, I believed we should expect continuing conflict until Christ returns,” Calvinson said, adjusting a floral shirt he now calls his “dominion garment.” “But then I sat beside the ocean for forty-five minutes without reading the news. Brothers, the earth is being renewed.” Postmillennialis...

Israel responds: “Forty days of trash talk for this?” VALLEY OF ELAH — The Philistine army filed a formal complaint with battlefield officials Friday after David, a teenage shepherd with no armor and one deeply suspicious sling, defeated Goliath with what scholars are now calling the first recorded no-scope in history. Witnesses say David ran toward the battle line, reached into his bag, loaded a stone into his sling, and struck the heavily armored giant directly in the forehead without so much as checking his aim assist settings. In 1 Samuel 17, David runs toward Goliath, slings a stone that strikes the giant in the forehead, and prevails over him without a sword before the Philistine army flees.  A “no-scope” in shooter-game slang is an unlikely kill made without using a weapon’s scope or aiming system—often associated with wildly improbable trick shots.  “That shot was impossible,” said Philistine captain Achish of Gath, reviewing the incident on a clay tablet marked ELAH B...

“The errors changed names,” he says. “The avoidance remained familiar.” UNDISCLOSED CLASSIS —  A local deacon who left a troubled church in an increasingly “progressive and affirming” classis, hoping to find a more faithful Reformed refuge, has reportedly discovered that institutional dysfunction can survive an impressive amount of confessional vocabulary. The deacon said he and his wife first tried to serve quietly. That became difficult when he objected to sermons suggesting people were naturally good, prayer could change God’s settled mind, and creation or other Reformed distinctives were matters of flexible preference. “It was a Reformed Church to the degree depravity was affirmed in the doctrinal statement, but quietly suspended anytime someone wanted to say that people are naturally good,” he said. “I asked if we could avoid Pelagianism before coffee hour,” he said. “They called it divisive. Apparently, doctrines of grace are best treated like the decorative pillows in the...

CCM executives say he could reach the remaining distance by removing the rock, country, hip-hop, and all other traces of personality. NASHVILLE, TN — Millions of culturally Christian Americans reportedly identified deeply with Kid Rock’s newly announced Christian album, Halfway 2 Jesus, while declining to clarify which half of their lives had actually made the journey. The album’s title has become an instant anthem for believers who love Jesus “in a broad, values-oriented sense” but remain cautious about concrete repentance, regular church attendance, sexual ethics, giving, forgiveness, hospitality, or any other practice that could interfere with tailgating, political commentary, and the general enjoyment of being left alone. “It really speaks to me,” said one man wearing a cross necklace over a shirt reading GOD, GUNS & GRILLING. “I’m halfway to Jesus. I believe in Him, I respect Him, and I play ‘Amazing Grace’ at least once a year. But I’m not about to let anyone start asking inv...

 “This is not vindication,” free-will theologians insist. “It is exactly what you would expect from a machine with no libertarian freedom.” ONLINE — A new viral exchange involving Grok has thrown the Reformed internet into a state of measured, dignified, completely unrestrained celebration after the AI assistant was asked to “remove false theology” and reportedly left only a five-point Calvinist confession on the screen. “After evaluating the competing claims,” Grok allegedly responded, “Calvinism offers the most internally coherent account of divine sovereignty, human sin, grace, election, atonement, perseverance, and the biblical witness as a whole.” Within seven minutes, 4,000 Reformed accounts had posted the result with captions such as “Even the algorithm knows,” “Sola Scriptura now with machine learning,” and “Tulip.exe has entered the chat.” The news follows an actual viral Grok exchange in which the chatbot was asked to remove “fake gods” from an image containing multiple m...