Leaders confirm the best way to honor women is to keep them safely away from microphones, decisions, and anything resembling influence In a bold reaffirmation of centuries-old tradition, the Southern Baptist Convention has once again taken a firm stand against the growing threat of women accidentally leading things. At their annual meeting, church leaders voted to reinforce a ban on female pastors, citing a deep commitment to biblical values, historical precedent, and a strong suspicion of women holding clipboards. “We just believe in order,” said one delegate, adjusting his tie while explaining that men are divinely called to lead, and women are divinely called to support that leadership—preferably from a tasteful distance. “It’s not about inequality. It’s about… very specific roles. Extremely specific. Unchangeably specific.” Supporters of the decision emphasized that the policy is rooted in Scripture, though interpretations appear to have been carefully curated over time to align wi...
“We Would Never,” Leaders Say, While Gesturing Broadly at Several Volumes of Historical Precedent Salt Lake Temple, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints In response to the Presbyterian Church (USA)’s ongoing debates over whether monogamy is, in fact, more of a “guideline than a rule,” leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released a statement this week that experts are describing as “technically restrained, but spiritually… suggestive.” The statement, titled “On the Matter of Historical Enthusiasm,” reaffirmed that the LDS Church does not practice polygamy, has not practiced polygamy, and would like to be very clear that it is absolutely not practicing polygamy—before proceeding to devote several paragraphs to the rich theological, logistical, and, at times, “deeply character-building” history of having done exactly that. “We wish to emphasize that plural marriage is a concluded chapter,” the statement read, adding, “though one whose lessons remain avail...