The Calvinist Chronicle

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Free-Will Theist Reads Gospel of John Alone, Horrified to Discover Jesus Keeps Sounding Like a Calvinist

Man says he assumed the difficult verses had already been explained away somewhere in the footnotes, only to find Jesus speaking in complete sentences. NASHVILLE, TN — A local free-will theist reportedly experienced a crisis of interpretation this week after reading the Gospel of John without consulting his usual study Bible, only to discover that Jesus repeatedly says things that sound alarmingly compatible with Reformed theology. The trouble began in John 6, when he encountered Jesus saying that all the Father gives him will come to him, that no one can come unless the Father draws him, and that no one can come unless it is granted by the Father. The reader reportedly paused several times, convinced the passage must be missing a paragraph about libertarian autonomy. “I kept waiting for Jesus to say, ‘Unless, of course, they first generate the decisive independent condition that makes the Father’s drawing effective,’” the man explained. “But he just kept saying things like ‘no one can...

Local Christian’s Entire Ministry Consists of Auditing Other People’s Ministries From Recliner

Man confirms he has reached zero people, served zero meals, and completed zero acts of mercy—but has issued 417 urgent statements about everyone else’s tone. ANYTOWN, USA — Local Christian commentator Derek Pruitt spent another productive afternoon this week reviewing the public ministries of people who are preaching, serving, creating, organizing, giving, and occasionally making mistakes in full view of the internet. Pruitt, who describes himself as “a watchman on the wall,” has not personally identified which wall, what danger is approaching, or why the watchman has a gaming chair and a ring light. He says his chief burden is protecting the church from anyone who appears too earnest, too humorous, too public, too imperfect, or insufficiently aware that he has concerns. “Some people think the Great Commission is about going,” Pruitt said, refreshing his notifications. “But the real calling is making sure those who go do not embarrass the cause of Christ by using a thumbnail font I dis...

New “Evan-Jelly” Spread Debuts at Church Potlucks, Contains No Doctrinal Substance

Manufacturers say the feel-good evangelical condiment pairs perfectly with peanut butter, biscuits, and sermons carefully engineered to offend no one. A new food spread known as Evan-jelly has reportedly become the official refreshment of churches seeking a softer, sweeter, and less structurally demanding form of Christianity. Described as “theologically light” and “emotionally spreadable,” the product is designed for potlucks, fellowship breakfasts, and any sermon where the word “sin” has been replaced with “growth opportunity.” According to its packaging, Evan-jelly is made from “encouragement, affirmation, and a gentle fruit flavor,” with no added conviction and only trace amounts of biblical specificity. It can be paired with peanut butter, spread on biscuits, or applied directly to a sermon until every difficult teaching has been rendered “a little more approachable.” “It’s perfect for people who want something Christian but don’t want to chew,” said one marketing representative. ...

The Shack Author Promises Sequel Will Be Even More Heretical Than the First One

Critics prepare to explain why a heartwarming cabin conversation is not automatically a doctrine of God. NASHVILLE, TN — The author of The Shack reportedly reassured Christian critics this week that the forthcoming sequel, Return to the Shack, will not retreat from the original’s famously controversial theological imagination. Instead, in this fictional account, he has pledged to make the new installment “even more blasphemous, emotionally affirming, and professionally alarming” than its predecessor. The actual sequel, Return to the Shack: A Journey Into Redemption, is scheduled for release October 6, 2026. But in the satirical press release, the author reportedly promised readers that the book will answer the question everyone has been asking: “What if the first book’s critics had not yet purchased enough highlighters?” “Some readers felt the original did not sufficiently blur the distinction between poetic fiction, personal therapy, and doctrine of God,” the fictional statement ...

Local Christian Discovers Extra Saturday Chick-fil-A Does Not Spoil Before Sunday

After years of Sunday hunger, man realizes he can simply gather a double portion of chicken on the sixth day. ATLANTA, GA — A local churchgoer reported a major theological and culinary breakthrough this weekend after discovering that Chick-fil-A purchased on Saturday remains edible the following day, despite the restaurant’s well-known Sunday closure. “I always assumed the Lord’s Day closure meant there was simply no lawful way to have nuggets on Sunday,” said Nathan Briggs, standing before his refrigerator with the stunned expression of a man who has just found manna beneath the dew. “But then I remembered Israel gathered twice as much on the day before Sabbath. It was right there in Exodus. The precedent has been sitting in Scripture and my meal-prep drawer this entire time.” The discovery began when Briggs bought an additional chicken sandwich, a large fry, twelve nuggets, and “enough Polynesian sauce to endure a moderate wilderness journey” late Saturday afternoon. Rather than bree...

Calvinist Scholar Stunned to Learn Romans 9 Means the Exact Opposite of Every Sentence in It

New interpretation preserves libertarian freedom by making every inconvenient pronoun corporate, temporary, or rhetorical. POMONA, CA — A Calvinist scholar was reportedly forced to reconsider his entire theology this week after discovering that Romans 9, long thought to discuss God’s sovereign mercy, hardening, and purpose in election, is actually a carefully coded defense of the proposition that every sinner retains libertarian freedom until the moment God needs him for an illustration. The breakthrough came while reading Paul’s statement that God’s purpose in election might stand “not because of works but because of him who calls.” At first, the scholar believed Paul meant what he plainly wrote. But a helpful online explainer informed him that Paul was actually arguing against a mysterious, unnamed Deterministic Diatribal Opponent who had somehow inserted an entire chapter into the apostle’s letter. “It was right there all along,” the scholar said. “When Paul asks, ‘Why does he still...