The Calvinist Chronicle

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Reformed Church Celebrates Columbus Day, Discovers It Has Accidentally Honored A Catholic

Church historian explains Italian-American backstory; elders investigate whether Monday off can be retained under common grace. SUBURBAN AMERICA — A local Reformed congregation’s Columbus Day picnic descended into an emergency ecclesiastical clarification Monday after the invited church historian informed attendees that their celebration of “our Protestant nation’s Christian heritage” involved a Catholic explorer and a holiday strongly associated with Italian-American and Catholic efforts to establish their place in American life. “We knew Columbus was Italian,” said picnic coordinator Hendrik VanMinutes. “We assumed the rest had been reviewed.” The congregation had advertised the event as an opportunity to celebrate faith, family, and Western civilization. Organizers reportedly expected a brief historical introduction followed by burgers, lawn games, and a prayer thanking God that several members did not have to work. Instead, historian Dr. Silas Footnote opened with a sentence witnes...

Presbyterian Church Renames Itself “Israel,” Declares Replacement Theology Debate Settled

“People kept saying the church is not Israel,” pastor explains. “We have updated the sign.” SUBURBAN AMERICA — First Presbyterian Church voted Sunday to rename its congregation “Israel,” announcing that the change would resolve centuries of theological disagreement through what elders called “a straightforward application of ecclesiastical branding.” The decision followed years of arguments with dispensationalist neighbors who insisted that Israel and the church must remain distinct. “They asked us to show them where the church is called Israel,” said Pastor Cornelius Westminster. “We directed them to the bulletin, the website, and the illuminated sign beside the parking lot. At some point, you have to deal with the evidence.” The session approved the name change unanimously after rejecting “First Covenant Continuity Presbyterian Church” as too long for the church van. Historic Reformed covenant theology generally describes Jews and Gentiles united in Christ as one covenant people...

California Robot-Fight Crackdown Leaves Calvinist Boxers In Limbo

Critics submit years of critical “you’re a robot” comments as expert testimony. SACRAMENTO, CA — California’s crackdown on unsanctioned human-versus-robot cage fights has created an unexpected crisis for Reformed martial artists after several non-Calvinist commentators demanded that regulators investigate whether affirming divine sovereignty makes a competitor ineligible for the human division. The controversy began when amateur fighter Ezekiel “Total Depravity” Knox listed his religious affiliation as “Reformed Baptist” and an opposing coach immediately filed a complaint alleging “undisclosed deterministic machinery.” “My client agreed to fight a man,” the coach said. “He did not agree to fight a combat unit running the Second London Baptist Confession as its operating system.” The actual California State Athletic Commission action involved a cease-and-desist issued to Robot Entertainment Kombat following an unsanctioned human-versus-robot event in San Francisco—not a blanket prohibit...

Local Man Becomes Postmillennial After Spending Six Days In Maui

“The nations are clearly being blessed,” says previously pessimistic Christian whose room now includes an ocean view and complimentary breakfast. MAUI, HI — A local Reformed man announced a dramatic change in his eschatology Thursday after discovering that the world looks considerably more hopeful when his employer cannot reach him and someone else prepares breakfast. Jonathan Calvinson, previously an outspoken amillennialist with “serious concerns about the trajectory of Western civilization,” reportedly became convinced of postmillennialism sometime between his second snorkeling excursion, a pineapple-mango mocktail served in a hollowed-out pineapple, and a plate of fresh grilled fish. “For years, I believed we should expect continuing conflict until Christ returns,” Calvinson said, adjusting a floral shirt he now calls his “dominion garment.” “But then I sat beside the ocean for forty-five minutes without reading the news. Brothers, the earth is being renewed.” Postmillennialis...

Philistines Accuse David Of Using Cheat Code After First Recorded No-Scope In History

Israel responds: “Forty days of trash talk for this?” VALLEY OF ELAH — The Philistine army filed a formal complaint with battlefield officials Friday after David, a teenage shepherd with no armor and one deeply suspicious sling, defeated Goliath with what scholars are now calling the first recorded no-scope in history. Witnesses say David ran toward the battle line, reached into his bag, loaded a stone into his sling, and struck the heavily armored giant directly in the forehead without so much as checking his aim assist settings. In 1 Samuel 17, David runs toward Goliath, slings a stone that strikes the giant in the forehead, and prevails over him without a sword before the Philistine army flees. A “no-scope” in shooter-game slang is an unlikely kill made without using a weapon’s scope or aiming system—often associated with wildly improbable trick shots. “That shot was impossible,” said Philistine captain Achish of Gath, reviewing the incident on a clay tablet marked ELAH B...

Man Leaves Church After Council Ignores Alleged Abuse, Finds New Classis Also Allergic To Accountability

“The errors changed names,” he says. “The avoidance remained familiar.” UNDISCLOSED CLASSIS — A local deacon who left a troubled church in an increasingly “progressive and affirming” classis, hoping to find a more faithful Reformed refuge, has reportedly discovered that institutional dysfunction can survive an impressive amount of confessional vocabulary. The deacon said he and his wife first tried to serve quietly. That became difficult when he objected to sermons suggesting people were naturally good, prayer could change God’s settled mind, and creation or other Reformed distinctives were matters of flexible preference. “It was a Reformed Church to the degree depravity was affirmed in the doctrinal statement, but quietly suspended anytime someone wanted to say that people are naturally good,” he said. “I asked if we could avoid Pelagianism before coffee hour,” he said. “They called it divisive. Apparently, doctrines of grace are best treated like the decorative pillows in the...