The Calvinist Chronicle

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Dave Ramsey Flags Reformation Heritage Books as “Spiritual Treasure, Budgetary Trap”

Financial guru says the Puritans are great, but maxing out your credit card for a 12‑volume set on covenant theology is not a “baby step.” NASHVILLE — Personal finance icon Dave Ramsey has reportedly issued a pointed caution to Christians everywhere: Reformation Heritage Books is a spiritual danger to your budget, and one careless click on “Complete Works of John Owen” could slide you straight back into the “debt spiral” he has spent decades trying to prevent. According to sources familiar with the matter, the warning came during a segment on “biblically responsible spending,” when a caller asked whether it was wise to purchase a multi‑volume set of Reformed classics on a credit card. “Look,” Ramsey reportedly replied, “I love the Puritans. I love deep theology. I do not love you going into debt for a book you will read six pages of before you fall asleep.” Ramsey’s team is said to have flagged Reformation Heritage Books not because the content is bad, but because the catalog is long, ...

New Study Concludes “Because of the Angels” Means “They Really Like Big Hats”

New research suggests wide‑brimmed statement hats, church crowns, and fascinators are especially well‑received in the heavenly courts. In a breakthrough that has reportedly sent shockwaves through millinery‑minded congregations everywhere, a panel of very serious scholars has announced that the most likely meaning of 1 Corinthians 11:10 is that angels are not merely watching worship—they are actively grading headwear. “That is why a wife ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels,” Paul writes. Under the new, highly aesthetic interpretation, this is read as: “The angels are in the room, and they have a particular affinity for dated wide‑brimmed statement hats, church crowns, and fascinators, and they favor churches whose congregants wear them.” According to the report, the heavenly host has long been fascinated by the intersection of dignity, order, and elaborate millinery. Cherubim and seraphim, who spend most of their time before the throne, are said to be...

Arminius Introduces “Plead the Fifth” to 17th‑Century Geneva

Proceedings reportedly stalled when the Dutch theologian announced he would not answer questions that might incriminate his theology. GENEVA — The city’s theological council was thrown into confusion this week after Jacobus Arminius, summoned to clarify his teaching on grace and election, abruptly refused to answer a crucial question on the grounds that it might later be used against him. Witnesses say he invoked a mysterious “Fifth Amendment to the Constitution,” a concept which would not exist for several centuries but was nonetheless delivered with great conviction. The hearing began calmly enough. Arminius explained his training in Geneva, his respect for the Reformed confessions, and his desire to avoid presenting God as arbitrary or cruel. He answered detailed questions about sin, Christ’s atonement, and the call to repentance. Tension rose when an examiner asked, “Master Arminius, do you affirm that God’s decree of election is unconditional and particular, as our churches c...

Man Interprets “Love Your Neighbor” as “Fund Another Inefficient Program”

Says the most Christlike way to help the poor is to increase taxes on whoever lives in the nicer zip code. The adult Sunday School class at Redeemer Community reportedly entered “uncharted theological territory” this week after one member, identified only as Greg, explained that all of Jesus’s teaching about caring for the poor clearly points to the need for a totalizing state that forcibly redistributes wealth via crippling tax policy. Classmates say he began with the Sermon on the Mount and ended with, “Therefore, we obviously need a massive centralized apparatus with the power to confiscate your paycheck.” According to those present, the shift happened during a discussion of passages where Jesus calls his followers to radical generosity, personal sacrifice, and concrete hospitality. Where others heard a summons to open-handed charity and costly love, Greg heard a policy platform. “When Jesus says, ‘Give to the one who begs from you,’ what he really means is ‘petition for a bureaucra...

Pastor delighted that “Flock” cameras now help him track his flock

Cars toward church marked “faithful,” cars toward brunch marked “visit needed.” RIVERSIDE — Pastor Bob of Grace Hill Reformed Church has reportedly expressed “unfeigned gratitude” to city officials after learning that the new AI-powered roadside devices, branded “Flock cameras,” are now logging the comings and goings of what he has begun referring to as “his extended ecclesiastical database.” Initially intended for license plate recognition and crime prevention, the cameras have, in Bob’s mind, providentially doubled as a real-time tool for monitoring his wandering members. “For years I’ve prayed for help in watching over the flock,” he explained. “I just didn’t realize the answer would come with a city contract and a machine-learning backend.” According to church insiders, Pastor Bob has already set up alerts that ping his phone whenever vehicles registered to known members pass certain key intersections on Sunday mornings. Cars heading toward Grace Hill trigger a quiet prayer of than...

Paul Washer Hires Sophie Cunningham to Handle All Misplaced Applause

Every time someone claps at a line about repentance and false conversion, the WNBA forward silently points until they realize he is talking about them. In a development observers are calling “the most precise use of a role player since the Reformation,” evangelist Paul Washer has reportedly hired WNBA forward Sophie Cunningham to deal with a recurring problem in his preaching ministry: people clapping at the exact moment they are supposed to be convicted. The arrangement was finalized after yet another sermon in which Washer insisted that salvation is by faith alone in Christ, that such faith is preceded and followed by repentance, and that true believers turn from sin, hate what God hates, love what God loves, and desire to grow in holiness—not to be like Britney Spears, not to be like the world, and not to be like the great majority of American Christians, but to be like Jesus Christ. When the line landed, the crowd clapped. He, famously, did not. Under the new system, the momen...