The Calvinist Chronicle

“He clearly had inappropriate intentions,” says woman in form-fitting spandex, left holding the clothing of a man who ran away. EGYPT — Potiphar’s wife accused Joseph of ogling her sports bra and hot pants this week after repeated attempts to seduce the household administrator ended with him leaving his garment in her hand and running out of the house. According to household sources, her interest in fitness began shortly after she noticed that Joseph was handsome and well-built. Her subsequent training program consisted largely of approaching him in workout clothes and suggesting an activity unrelated to exercise. “Lie with me,” she said. Joseph refused, explaining that his master had entrusted him with the household and withheld nothing from him except his wife. “How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?” he asked. She clarified that the sports bra was from the premium collection. Joseph indicated that his objection was not financial. Despite her daily advances, he ...

 “Luther could not proceed with a Type Nine,” historian explains. “The Reformation required someone willing to confront the beer cellar.” WITTENBERG — Newly unearthed courtship records have reportedly revealed that Martin Luther and John Calvin screened prospective spouses using Enneagram results, insisting that suitable applicants demonstrate godliness, sound judgment, and a sufficiently high score in Type One: “The Reformer.” “The title seemed providential,” explained archival researcher Dr. Silas Footnote. “Unfortunately, they began treating every other personality type as an unreformed denomination.” Luther’s alleged screening form asked candidates whether they enjoyed correcting errors, confronting abuses, and identifying ninety-five problems with an institution before breakfast. One applicant reportedly answered that she preferred avoiding conflict. “Type Nine,” Luther wrote. “We cannot build a Reformation around hoping everyone calms down.” Luther married Katharina von Bora ...

“Christ may be central,” administrator explains, “but we do not want Him sounding exclusionary.” SAN DIEGO, CA — A Christian university has reportedly introduced a spiritual-formation review requiring students to demonstrate that their identity in Christ is “primary, contextual, and appropriately accompanied” after one student allegedly described himself as “in Christ alone.” The controversy follows reports that Point Loma Nazarene University Dean of Students Jason Cha told student leaders that identifying solely as “in Christ” can reflect “white privilege.” Cha declined to comment on the specific remark and referred inquiries to a university statement affirming that its commitment to confronting racism flows from Christian discipleship. Under the proposed review, students will complete an “Identity in Christ Compliance Inventory.” Sample questions include: “Do you affirm that your identity in Christ is primary, while avoiding the implication that it is sufficient?” and “Can you explai...

“They affirm bodily resurrection,” he says. “That is literally the opposite direction.” UNDISCLOSED SPIRITUAL REALM — A local Gnostic issued a strongly worded complaint Thursday after several anti-Calvinist commentators repeatedly compared his religious system to Reformed theology, an association he described as “intellectually careless and personally humiliating.” Basilides “Secret Knowledge” Pleromason said he first noticed the problem while watching an online debate in which a critic called Calvinism “basically Gnosticism.” “Basically?” Pleromason asked. “I have an elaborate cosmology, an inferior creator, and a spiritual escape plan. They have a publicly available confession and a fellowship meal. Where, precisely, is the overlap?” Gnosticism encompasses diverse ancient movements, many of which distinguished an inferior creator from a higher divine reality and understood salvation as awakening to one’s spiritual origins. Reformed confessions instead affirm the goodness of God’s ori...

Church historian explains Italian-American backstory; elders investigate whether Monday off can be retained under common grace. SUBURBAN AMERICA — A local Reformed congregation’s Columbus Day picnic descended into an emergency ecclesiastical clarification Monday after the invited church historian informed attendees that their celebration of “our Protestant nation’s Christian heritage” involved a Catholic explorer and a holiday strongly associated with Italian-American and Catholic efforts to establish their place in American life. “We knew Columbus was Italian,” said picnic coordinator Hendrik VanMinutes. “We assumed the rest had been reviewed.” The congregation had advertised the event as an opportunity to celebrate faith, family, and Western civilization. Organizers reportedly expected a brief historical introduction followed by burgers, lawn games, and a prayer thanking God that several members did not have to work. Instead, historian Dr. Silas Footnote opened with a sentence witnes...

 “People kept saying the church is not Israel,” pastor explains. “We have updated the sign.” SUBURBAN AMERICA — First Presbyterian Church voted Sunday to rename its congregation “Israel,” announcing that the change would resolve centuries of theological disagreement through what elders called “a straightforward application of ecclesiastical branding.” The decision followed years of arguments with dispensationalist neighbors who insisted that Israel and the church must remain distinct. “They asked us to show them where the church is called Israel,” said Pastor Cornelius Westminster. “We directed them to the bulletin, the website, and the illuminated sign beside the parking lot. At some point, you have to deal with the evidence.” The session approved the name change unanimously after rejecting “First Covenant Continuity Presbyterian Church” as too long for the church van. Historic Reformed covenant theology generally describes Jews and Gentiles united in Christ as one covenant people...