The Calvinist Chronicle

“I became as one under the law, one outside the law, and weak to the weak,” apostle explains. “I did not become ‘PastorPwns67’ to win middle-school boys.” TULSA, OK — The Apostle Paul reportedly appeared in a youth pastor’s dream Thursday night to clarify that his teaching about becoming “all things to all people” was not permission to livestream Fortnite from the pulpit while wearing a neon headset and shouting, “What’s up, Kingdom squad?” “I became as one under the law, as one outside the law, and as weak to the weak,” Paul told youth pastor Connor Briggs, 27, according to witnesses. “I surrendered my rights for the sake of the gospel. I did not make a Twitch account called PastorPwns67 , solicit subscribers, and name a sermon series Armor of God: Loadout Edition.” In 1 Corinthians 9, Paul’s “all things to all people” language appears in the context of voluntarily laying aside legitimate rights and adapting himself lawfully to remove obstacles to the gospel—not turning ministry into ...

Regular customer says he suspected something was unusual when every barista asked whether he had “a church home” after adding guacamole. AUSTIN, TX — Local man Jordan Reyes was stunned Sunday to discover that his favorite coffee bar and breakfast-burrito spot is not, as he had believed for the past 18 months, a particularly ambitious coworking café, but the foyer of a megachurch. “I thought the building was a little large for a coffee shop,” Reyes said, holding an oat-milk latte and a foil-wrapped burrito labeled The Good Samaritan. “But they had excellent parking, a full espresso bar, free Wi-Fi, a kids’ play area, and a gigantic lobby full of people in name tags. I just assumed it was one of those community-forward artisan concepts.” Megachurches are generally defined as Protestant congregations that draw at least 2,000 attendees per week, and they commonly operate substantial campuses with varied social and community programs.  Church coffee shops have become common in evangelic...

Warm sun, cool breeze, and suspiciously well-timed gust leave man wondering whether recent arguments with cage-stage Calvinists were “unfortunately onto something.” PORTLAND, OR — Local internet atheist Derek Mallory began reconsidering Christianity Saturday after a gust of wind blew his fedora into a municipal duck pond during what he called a “deeply reluctant but medically necessary touch-grass excursion.” Mallory had reportedly spent the prior 11 years online explaining that Christianity was mythology for people unable to face reality. But when his fedora sailed off his head, witnesses said he was struck by a sudden, unfamiliar awareness of the warm sun on his face, the cool wind in his hair, and the possibility that the universe might be more than “atoms bumping into other atoms until someone invents brunch.” “I had never really felt wind through my hair before,” Mallory said. “Not like that. The sun was warm. The breeze was cool. There were trees, and birds, and clouds, and I sud...

“My body is a temple,” believer says, “and I simply felt the temple needed larger pillars.” **Satire disclaimer:** This is fictional satire, not medical advice. Do not use, seek, buy, or self-administer HGH for spiritual growth, bodybuilding, athletic performance, or any other unapproved purpose. Consult a qualified medical professional about any health concern. TULSA, OK — Local Christian man Brett Halvorsen has reportedly begun taking human growth hormone in hopes of achieving what he calls “measurable spiritual growth,” after concluding that his prayer life had plateaued because his shoulders were “not yet broad enough to bear the weight of glory.” “I have been reading Scripture,” Halvorsen said, flexing gently beneath a church softball jersey. “The body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. So I thought, if I improve the temple, perhaps the Spirit will have more room to work.” Paul tells believers that their bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit and that they should glorify God with thei...

Local atheist says he has transcended primitive creation stories by accepting that conscious moral beings emerged from exploded gas and now possess opinions about brunch. EUGENE, OR — Local man Tyler Hensley, 34, spent most of Saturday explaining that Christians are trapped in an ancient mythology that cannot account for reality, moments before describing himself as “the universe becoming conscious of itself through star stuff.” “We know where we came from now,” Hensley said, gesturing toward a Carl Sagan poster positioned carefully above his record player. “Stars exploded billions of years ago, their matter became me, and eventually I developed a moral obligation to be kind, recycle, and never question why any of that is objectively binding.” Sagan famously described people as being “made of star-stuff,” referring to the fact that elements such as carbon, calcium, nitrogen, and iron were forged in stars. He also called humanity “a way for the cosmos to know itself.” Hensley said this ...

“Do not be afraid,” angel begins, then adds, “Actually, be somewhat afraid: you have cast a woman as an incarnation of My Lord in another realm.” LOS ANGELES, CA — The Angel Gabriel interrupted a Hollywood press conference Monday to address Meryl Streep’s casting as Aslan in Netflix’s forthcoming Narnia: The Magician’s Nephew, informing reporters that the controversy could not be dismissed as merely “a voice actor playing a fictional lion.” “Do not be afraid,” Gabriel announced as the room filled with light and every publicist’s Bluetooth device briefly began playing a Gregorian chant. The angel surveyed the press release describing Streep as the voice of Aslan and sighed. “Actually,” Gabriel continued, “this time be at least moderately afraid. I have not come down in roughly two thousand years to tell you that the eternal Son’s identity may be edited because someone with three Oscars has an excellent voice.” Streep has been confirmed as the voice of Aslan in Greta Gerwig’s adaptation,...