Man confirms he has reached zero people, served zero meals, and completed zero acts of mercy—but has issued 417 urgent statements about everyone else’s tone. ANYTOWN, USA — Local Christian commentator Derek Pruitt spent another productive afternoon this week reviewing the public ministries of people who are preaching, serving, creating, organizing, giving, and occasionally making mistakes in full view of the internet. Pruitt, who describes himself as “a watchman on the wall,” has not personally identified which wall, what danger is approaching, or why the watchman has a gaming chair and a ring light. He says his chief burden is protecting the church from anyone who appears too earnest, too humorous, too public, too imperfect, or insufficiently aware that he has concerns. “Some people think the Great Commission is about going,” Pruitt said, refreshing his notifications. “But the real calling is making sure those who go do not embarrass the cause of Christ by using a thumbnail font I dis...
Manufacturers say the feel-good evangelical condiment pairs perfectly with peanut butter, biscuits, and sermons carefully engineered to offend no one. A new food spread known as Evan-jelly has reportedly become the official refreshment of churches seeking a softer, sweeter, and less structurally demanding form of Christianity. Described as “theologically light” and “emotionally spreadable,” the product is designed for potlucks, fellowship breakfasts, and any sermon where the word “sin” has been replaced with “growth opportunity.” According to its packaging, Evan-jelly is made from “encouragement, affirmation, and a gentle fruit flavor,” with no added conviction and only trace amounts of biblical specificity. It can be paired with peanut butter, spread on biscuits, or applied directly to a sermon until every difficult teaching has been rendered “a little more approachable.” “It’s perfect for people who want something Christian but don’t want to chew,” said one marketing representative. ...