The Calvinist Chronicle

“I reject every external constraint on my choices,” he announced shortly before discovering gravity had been holding him down without his consent. PORTLAND, OR — Local man Kevin Drew announced Monday that he had finally embraced true free will, rejecting the idea that any outside force could determine his actions. “I am not controlled by my past, my nature, my circumstances, God, society, biology, or any invisible force whatsoever,” Drew said. “I am completely free.” Moments later, he rose three feet above his kitchen floor. At first, Drew assumed he was experiencing a spiritual breakthrough. But as he continued drifting toward the ceiling fan, he began to suspect that rejecting all external forces had created an unforeseen problem. “Gravity is obviously determinism,” Drew said, clutching a light fixture. “It is constantly acting on me from outside myself. If I accept gravity, then I am admitting that I do not have absolute autonomy.” Gravity is the force of attraction between masses a...

Teenager says he understood the song better after dad’s 40-minute lecture against listening to it. OAKDALE, USA — Local Christian parents Mark and Sarah Wilkins banned Skillet’s song “Monster” from the family car this week after learning that the track’s central theme involves the believer’s struggle against sin and the old self. “I had assumed it was merely loud,” Mark Wilkins said. “But then someone told me it is about the inner battle against the sinful nature. That is far too intense for our children.” Skillet is a Christian rock band, and frontman John Cooper has recently argued that hard-rock music is not inherently demonic simply because of its genre or sound.  The Wilkinses said this was exactly the sort of distinction they preferred not to make. “Scripture may talk about putting sin to death, resisting temptation, and waging spiritual war,” Mark said. “But it does not use electric guitars, so we feel safer if those ideas are communicated only through a gentle acoustic song...

Naval officers say the animal’s cargo manifest is “deeply unusual,” but concede that smuggling a reluctant Old Testament prophet may not technically violate current maritime policy. PERSIAN GULF — A U.S. submarine crew reportedly paused an otherwise routine maritime-security operation this week after sonar detected a large sea creature traveling suspiciously through international waters while carrying a man who identified himself as “Jonah, son of Amittai.” The man, whose voice could reportedly be heard faintly through the whale’s blowhole, said he was not smuggling narcotics, weapons, or prohibited technology. He said he was simply trying to get away from an assignment involving Nineveh. Nineveh was a principal Assyrian city near present-day Mosul, Iraq, and the biblical book of Jonah recounts that the prophet fled his mission, was cast into the sea during a storm, and was swallowed by a great fish before eventually going to Nineveh.  The biblical text says “great fish,” though ca...

“So you’re telling me you eat a burrito and just…know what it tastes like?” he asked, increasingly concerned. TULSA, OK — Pentecostal church member Darren Wallace expressed deep concern Sunday after learning that believers from non-charismatic denominations claim to taste food despite not practicing the gift of tongues. Wallace first noticed the issue at a church potluck, where a Presbyterian visitor complimented the banana pudding. “Brother, I need to stop you right there,” Wallace said, gently lowering his plate. “You said that pudding tastes good. But how exactly did you receive that flavor? Was there an interpretation?” The visitor explained that he simply took a bite. Wallace reportedly looked alarmed. “You mean no prayer language? No heavenly utterance? No sudden movement of the Spirit through the palate?” he asked. “You just put baked beans in your mouth and identified them as baked beans?” Paul’s discussion of spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians 12 includes “varieties of tongues” ...

Lawmakers celebrate biblical fiscal wisdom, then quietly clarify that land restoration, debt relief for citizens, and any personal sacrifice were “ceremonial provisions.” WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress voted overwhelmingly this week to restore the biblical Year of Jubilee after discovering that it could be used to erase the nation’s $40 trillion debt without requiring a single member to stop spending money. The actual federal debt passed $40 trillion this month, according to Treasury data and recent reporting.  Lawmakers said the milestone made it clear that the country needed a bold spiritual solution, preferably one involving an ancient command with an extremely selective modern application. “Leviticus teaches liberty throughout the land,” said one congressman, signing the National Jubilee Debt Reset Act with a commemorative shofar-shaped pen. “And what could be more liberating than telling every creditor, ‘We have prayerfully decided this no longer counts’?” The biblical Jubilee de...

Volunteer says the game is fully contained on the mixer’s tiny touchscreen and has not affected worship, apart from the pastor’s microphone now occasionally displaying “God Mode.” CEDAR GROVE, USA — A Reformed church’s sound technician briefly became the most popular member of the media team Sunday after successfully getting the original Doom to run on the sanctuary’s digital soundboard. The game remained entirely on the console’s maintenance screen, church leaders confirmed, and no imagery or game audio was played through the sanctuary speakers. The soundboard still delivered the sermon, psalms, Scripture reading, and announcements normally—provided nobody pressed the newly labeled button marked DO NOT ENABLE GOD MODE DURING CALL TO WORSHIP. Doom, released by id Software in 1993, became both a landmark first-person shooter and a longstanding target for technical hobbyists who enjoy making it run on improbable hardware.  Digital audio mixers are also common in worship settings, whe...