The Calvinist Chronicle

Both Van Til and Clark Camps Agree: Starting with the Wrong Presuppositions Still Gets You Exactly Where You Planned to Go Steven Spielberg’s latest film is being marketed as a bold intellectual reckoning for Christianity. In practice, it functions more like a polished reassurance that disbelief remains as plausible as ever—provided one begins by assuming it. The film’s argument, such as it is, does not so much arrive at its conclusion as it installs it at the foundation. Divine revelation is quietly set aside, human reason is granted autonomy, and from there the narrative unfolds with a kind of cinematic inevitability. Unsurprisingly, a worldview that begins by excluding God manages, after two hours and a swelling score, to conclude that God is unnecessary. From a Van Til perspective, the film is almost commendably transparent. There is no pretense of neutrality here—only a set of presuppositions doing exactly what presuppositions do. From a Clarkian standpoint, it is equally instruct...

Leaders confirm the best way to honor women is to keep them safely away from microphones, decisions, and anything resembling influence In a bold reaffirmation of centuries-old tradition, the Southern Baptist Convention has once again taken a firm stand against the growing threat of women accidentally leading things. At their annual meeting, church leaders voted to reinforce a ban on female pastors, citing a deep commitment to biblical values, historical precedent, and a strong suspicion of women holding clipboards. “We just believe in order,” said one delegate, adjusting his tie while explaining that men are divinely called to lead, and women are divinely called to support that leadership—preferably from a tasteful distance. “It’s not about inequality. It’s about… very specific roles. Extremely specific. Unchangeably specific.” Supporters of the decision emphasized that the policy is rooted in Scripture, though interpretations appear to have been carefully curated over time to align wi...

“We Would Never,” Leaders Say, While Gesturing Broadly at Several Volumes of Historical Precedent Salt Lake Temple, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints In response to the Presbyterian Church (USA)’s ongoing debates over whether monogamy is, in fact, more of a “guideline than a rule,” leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released a statement this week that experts are describing as “technically restrained, but spiritually… suggestive.” The statement, titled “On the Matter of Historical Enthusiasm,” reaffirmed that the LDS Church does not practice polygamy, has not practiced polygamy, and would like to be very clear that it is absolutely not practicing polygamy—before proceeding to devote several paragraphs to the rich theological, logistical, and, at times, “deeply character-building” history of having done exactly that. “We wish to emphasize that plural marriage is a concluded chapter,” the statement read, adding, “though one whose lessons remain avail...

“Our players chose to win,” Sirianni Declares PHILADELPHIA—In a move that has sparked controversy and eye-rolls across the theological and football communities, the Philadelphia Eagles have issued an official statement thanking God for gifting them a superior sense of free will compared to their Super Bowl LIX opponents, the Kansas City Chiefs. The Eagles, who narrowly defeated the Chiefs 38-37 in a nail-biting finish, attribute their victory not to divine intervention, but to divinely-endowed decision-making prowess. "We are grateful for the blessings bestowed upon us," said Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni during a press conference held outside a local cathedral. "But let's be clear: we won that game because our players chose to win. God gave us the free will to make better choices than the Chiefs, and we ran with it—literally, in Saquon Barkley’s case." The statement goes on to suggest that while God loves all His children, He recognizes that some possess a st...

A Trump Blaring over Women - Nothing New WASHINGTON, D.C.—A solemn prayer service at the National Cathedral took a surreal turn Tuesday when Bishop Mariann Budde’s sermon was abruptly drowned out by the blaring of a spectral trumpet. The sound, described by attendees as “otherworldly,” was followed by the faint apparition of a stern man in 16th-century garb, pacing near the pulpit. Bishop Budde, reportedly paused, glanced upward, and resumed her prayer unfazed. “Even in death, some men just can’t handle female leadership,” she later joked to reporters. While the figure did not speak, murmurs spread through the crowd as some attendees speculated it was none other than John Knox, the fiery Scottish reformer. The connection to his infamous treatise, “The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstruous Regiment of Women,” was quickly made by historians and theology buffs alike. A witness later described the scene as “chaotic yet oddly theological.” However, the real twist came when Donal...

Critics Say Presidential Clemency 2,000 Years Too Late In a shocking twist of historical revisionism, President Biden has issued a last-minute presidential pardon for Pontius Pilate and the Sanhedrin, effectively settling a 2,000-year-old legal dispute. The unprecedented move comes as Biden clears his presidential desk, seemingly determined to resolve theological legal matters that have been pending since the first century. "Sometimes, you've got to wash your hands of ancient history—literally," Biden reportedly quipped, making a clear reference to Pilate's infamous hand-washing gesture. The pardon documents hilariously cite "administrative oversight" and "bureaucratic complications" as primary reasons for the belated legal clemency. Religious scholars and historians are bewildered, with one anonymous theologian remarking, "Well, that's one way to end a presidency—by retroactively solving a crucifixion controversy." The White House pr...