New interpretation preserves libertarian freedom by making every inconvenient pronoun corporate, temporary, or rhetorical. POMONA, CA — A Calvinist scholar was reportedly forced to reconsider his entire theology this week after discovering that Romans 9, long thought to discuss God’s sovereign mercy, hardening, and purpose in election, is actually a carefully coded defense of the proposition that every sinner retains libertarian freedom until the moment God needs him for an illustration. The breakthrough came while reading Paul’s statement that God’s purpose in election might stand “not because of works but because of him who calls.” At first, the scholar believed Paul meant what he plainly wrote. But a helpful online explainer informed him that Paul was actually arguing against a mysterious, unnamed Deterministic Diatribal Opponent who had somehow inserted an entire chapter into the apostle’s letter. “It was right there all along,” the scholar said. “When Paul asks, ‘Why does he still...
The haunting begins whenever someone says, “The Trinity is like…” and ends only after someone explains why the analogy points to an ancient heresy. A growing number of Christians have reportedly begun experiencing supernatural encounters after attempting to explain the Trinity with analogies involving water, apples, shamrocks, or household appliances. The apparitions consistently feature two Irish peasants bearing a striking resemblance to Donall and Conall of Lutheran Satire fame. They do not attack anyone. They do not issue curses. They merely appear at the precise moment a speaker says, “The Trinity is kind of like…” and remain present until the speaker has acknowledged the relevant Christological error. The first incident occurred when a youth pastor compared the Trinity to water existing as ice, liquid, and vapor. The lights reportedly flickered, the church television filled with static, and the pastor saw two figures standing behind him in the dark reflection of the sanctuary win...