The Calvinist Chronicle

 “Trust Christ, not Calvin,” says account whose last 43 posts concern Calvin. ONLINE — A theological commentator has announced a renewed commitment to keeping John Calvin out of Christian discourse through what sources describe as an increasingly comprehensive Calvin-monitoring program. The initiative follows an online exchange urging Christians to “Trust in Christ, not calvin,” a formulation the commentator has reportedly adopted as both his central ministry emphasis and the reason he checks fourteen Reformed accounts before breakfast.[x] “This obsession with a sixteenth-century Frenchman has to stop,” said fictional discernment blogger Nathaniel Freeborn, opening a spreadsheet titled Calvinists Who Mentioned Calvin Today. “People need to spend less time thinking about what these men believe.” Freeborn’s latest series, Why I Never Think About Calvin, currently comprises eighteen installments, three livestreams, and a supplementary investigation into whether a Presbyterian’s coffee...

 “At some point, you have to stop letting Halloween stand between you and your calling.” SUBURBAN AMERICA — Local homeowner Melissa Garland began decorating for Christmas at 12:01 a.m. November 1, ending what she described as “an extremely difficult period of restraint.” “I wanted to respect the other holidays,” Garland explained, dragging a nine-foot artificial spruce past a trick-or-treater who had not yet reached the sidewalk. “But they’ve had their time.” Her husband, Brian, confirmed that preparations had been underway for several weeks, although Melissa insisted that assembling the tree in the garage, testing the lights, and replacing the family photographs with winter landscapes did not technically constitute decorating. “That was infrastructure,” she said. The transition began at midnight, when the household’s final pumpkin was removed from the porch while still containing a lit candle. By 12:04, the front door bore a wreath large enough to require visitors to enter sideway...

“We’ve had one wife, yes,” says Peregrin Took. “But what about second wife?” HOBBITON — A disturbance broke out at the Shire’s Sunday gathering after Pastor Peregrin Took introduced his “second wife,” prompting Gandalf to rise slowly from the back pew. “You’ve already had one,” the wizard said. “We’ve had one wife, yes,” Pippin replied. “But what about second wife?” Merry leaned toward him. “I don’t think he knows about second wife, Pip.” “Oh, I know about her,” Gandalf said. “It is the first wife’s understanding of the arrangement that concerns me.” She was seated beside the aisle, wearing an expression that caused several hobbits to reconsider remaining for the reception. Pippin explained that his heart had called him toward a new adventure. “Your heart also called you toward the palantír,” Gandalf replied. “We do not regard every Tookish impulse as divine guidance.” An emergency meeting of the elders was convened at Bag End, where Pippin argued that a hobbit should not be expected t...

 “Could still be a natural formation,” says expert reviewing vessel title signed by son of Lamech. EASTERN TÜRKIYE — Researchers investigating the suspected site of Noah’s Ark announced Tuesday that they had recovered a hull identification plate and accompanying registration listing the owner as “Noah,” prompting immediate calls for additional testing. The discovery follows renewed investigations at the Durupınar formation, where researchers have reported possible structural features and collected samples, but have not established that the formation is a vessel or Noah’s Ark.  The inquiry took an unexpected administrative turn when a researcher brushed sediment from a plate reading “ARK-000001” and discovered a waterproof document pouch behind it. “Registered owner: Noah. Father: Lamech. Authorized operators: Shem, Ham, Japheth,” the researcher read aloud. “Primary use: preservation of terrestrial life.” A colleague asked whether the document included anything more specific. “...

Wittenberg rapper denies starting a feud, says he merely identified ninety-five specific reasons his rivals should reconsider their entire business model. WITTENBERG, OCTOBER 31, 1517 — Augustinian monk and emerging theological battle rapper Martin Luther escalated tensions across the ecclesiastical music scene Thursday by dropping 95 Problems And A Pope Ain’t One, a diss track featuring hammer percussion, pipe-organ bass, and enough numbered allegations to require an accompanying study guide. Luther released the track directly onto the Castle Church door, bypassing traditional label distribution and what his manager described as “an increasingly predatory indulgence-based monetization system.” “I am not looking for beef,” Luther said. “I am looking for a public disputation concerning the power and efficacy of indulgences. If that happens to destroy somebody’s revenue stream, they should have diversified.” The release draws on Luther’s Ninety-five Theses, dated October 31, 1517, which ...

 “He’s writing letters under a different name. Many letters. We have to find out what the Corinthians knew.” WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump demanded Paul immediately resign from the Pharisees Friday after discovering the apostle had written numerous letters under a name other than Saul. “His name is Saul of Tarsus, the one he used when he was persecuting Christians, but now he’s Paul, and suddenly he’s writing to all these churches,” Trump said. “Same man. Entirely different branding. We have to find out what happened.” An aide explained that the Damascus road encounter was generally considered relevant. “We’re looking at Damascus very strongly,” Trump replied. The investigation intensified when officials located Acts 13:9, which identifies “Saul, who was also called Paul.” “In other words, Luke knew,” Trump said. “He put it right there in chapter thirteen. You have to ask why he didn’t put it in chapter one.” Asked whether openly publishing both names undermined the all...