Manufacturers say the feel-good evangelical condiment pairs perfectly with peanut butter, biscuits, and sermons carefully engineered to offend no one. A new food spread known as Evan-jelly has reportedly become the official refreshment of churches seeking a softer, sweeter, and less structurally demanding form of Christianity. Described as “theologically light” and “emotionally spreadable,” the product is designed for potlucks, fellowship breakfasts, and any sermon where the word “sin” has been replaced with “growth opportunity.” According to its packaging, Evan-jelly is made from “encouragement, affirmation, and a gentle fruit flavor,” with no added conviction and only trace amounts of biblical specificity. It can be paired with peanut butter, spread on biscuits, or applied directly to a sermon until every difficult teaching has been rendered “a little more approachable.” “It’s perfect for people who want something Christian but don’t want to chew,” said one marketing representative. ...
Critics prepare to explain why a heartwarming cabin conversation is not automatically a doctrine of God. NASHVILLE, TN — The author of The Shack reportedly reassured Christian critics this week that the forthcoming sequel, Return to the Shack, will not retreat from the original’s famously controversial theological imagination. Instead, in this fictional account, he has pledged to make the new installment “even more blasphemous, emotionally affirming, and professionally alarming” than its predecessor. The actual sequel, Return to the Shack: A Journey Into Redemption, is scheduled for release October 6, 2026. But in the satirical press release, the author reportedly promised readers that the book will answer the question everyone has been asking: “What if the first book’s critics had not yet purchased enough highlighters?” “Some readers felt the original did not sufficiently blur the distinction between poetic fiction, personal therapy, and doctrine of God,” the fictional statement ...