After years of Sunday hunger, man realizes he can simply gather a double portion of chicken on the sixth day. ATLANTA, GA — A local churchgoer reported a major theological and culinary breakthrough this weekend after discovering that Chick-fil-A purchased on Saturday remains edible the following day, despite the restaurant’s well-known Sunday closure. “I always assumed the Lord’s Day closure meant there was simply no lawful way to have nuggets on Sunday,” said Nathan Briggs, standing before his refrigerator with the stunned expression of a man who has just found manna beneath the dew. “But then I remembered Israel gathered twice as much on the day before Sabbath. It was right there in Exodus. The precedent has been sitting in Scripture and my meal-prep drawer this entire time.” The discovery began when Briggs bought an additional chicken sandwich, a large fry, twelve nuggets, and “enough Polynesian sauce to endure a moderate wilderness journey” late Saturday afternoon. Rather than bree...
New interpretation preserves libertarian freedom by making every inconvenient pronoun corporate, temporary, or rhetorical. POMONA, CA — A Calvinist scholar was reportedly forced to reconsider his entire theology this week after discovering that Romans 9, long thought to discuss God’s sovereign mercy, hardening, and purpose in election, is actually a carefully coded defense of the proposition that every sinner retains libertarian freedom until the moment God needs him for an illustration. The breakthrough came while reading Paul’s statement that God’s purpose in election might stand “not because of works but because of him who calls.” At first, the scholar believed Paul meant what he plainly wrote. But a helpful online explainer informed him that Paul was actually arguing against a mysterious, unnamed Deterministic Diatribal Opponent who had somehow inserted an entire chapter into the apostle’s letter. “It was right there all along,” the scholar said. “When Paul asks, ‘Why does he still...