The Calvinist Chronicle

Abram’s border declaration, marriage records, and preferred explanation reportedly describe three increasingly complicated situations. EGYPT — An Egyptian inquiry into Abram and Sarai’s household arrangements expanded Tuesday after Sarai answered “Not to my knowledge” when asked whether the man who introduced her as his sister was really her brother. Pharaoh looked toward the official holding Abram’s entry declaration. The official looked toward Abram. Abram requested that everyone stop looking at him until his representatives arrived. The exchange sharpened a modern parallel: Omar reportedly answered “Not to my knowledge” when questioned about the allegation concerning her former husband. Reporting describes a federal immigration investigation, while the New York Post, citing unnamed sources, says investigators have obtained DNA evidence they intend to use to test allegations involving family relationships. Those reports do not establish a publicly verified sibling relationship.  ...

 “They got America in the name. Excellent start. Everything after that needs a very serious review.” WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump appointed Marco Rubio to the newly created position of Chief Reformer Wednesday, directing him to investigate the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.) and determine whether its theology could be restored without first creating another committee. “The name has tremendous potential,” Trump explained. “Presbyterian Church, U.S.A. You’ve got church. You’ve got America. Then you look at the liberal theology and say, ‘What happened? Who approved this?’” Rubio received a briefing folder containing the Westminster Confession, a denominational organizational chart, and a handwritten instruction reading, “FIX BEFORE REFORMATION DAY.” The president singled out the denomination’s policies permitting same-sex marriages and the ordination of people in same-gender relationships, positions the PC(USA) officially allows while preserving certain decisions for its min...

Coalition also confident He would endorse its platform, despite documented difficulties getting Him to follow anyone else’s. PORTLAND, OREGON — A coalition of progressive Christian commentators warned Monday that Jesus could be deported if He entered the United States, describing the hypothetical as “an unprecedented rejection of Christ by political authorities.” The announcement took place beneath a twelve-foot depiction of His execution. “Imagine a government arresting Jesus and treating Him like a criminal,” said coalition spokesperson Rev. Avery Framework. A nearby Sunday school teacher quietly opened her Bible to the Passion narrative. “Now imagine religious leaders cooperating with political power because He refuses to fit their expectations.” The teacher stopped turning pages. “You’re already there,” she said. Organizers acknowledged that Jesus’ previous earthly ministry had encountered difficulties but cautioned against letting the crucifixion overshadow the considerably more u...

 “Whose image is on the coin?” asks local believer, apparently expecting the answer to settle considerably more than a tax question. WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the Treasury’s promotion of Trump dollar coins, a local Christian announced that he had finally found a practical application for Christ’s instruction to render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s: purchasing presidential currency and using it to make a barista uncomfortable. “I’ve always wanted to apply this passage,” said church member Dale Banner, holding a promotional image of the coin. “Previously, it mostly seemed to involve paying taxes, which felt insufficiently confrontational.” Banner explained that the president’s portrait gave the transaction a clear biblical framework. “Whose image and inscription is this?” he asked his pastor. “Trump’s.” “Exactly.” “What do you think that establishes?” “That I need a roll.” His pastor opened Matthew 22 and explained that Jesus’ answer concerned giving Caesar what belonged to Caesar ...

 “I’m not avoiding the text,” he explains. “I’m approaching it from a higher interpretive framework.” SUBURBAN AMERICA — A local theologian has preordered a Tesla Roadster after determining that the most efficient way to reconcile Scripture with his existing convictions is to perform an aerial somersault over every passage that threatens them. Dr. Wesley Context, whose forthcoming commentary promises to let the Bible speak for itself “within reasonable doctrinal limits,” said the purchase would significantly improve his exegetical workflow. “For years, I’ve relied on verbal gymnastics,” Context explained. “It was time to invest in the equipment.” The vehicle will reportedly feature a custom navigation system that detects approaching difficulties and announces, “In three hundred feet, consider the historical context.” If the passage remains troublesome after historical context has been considered, the system recommends a flip. “It’s especially useful when an entire paragraph keeps s...

“He clearly had inappropriate intentions,” says woman in form-fitting spandex, left holding the clothing of a man who ran away. EGYPT — Potiphar’s wife accused Joseph of ogling her sports bra and hot pants this week after repeated attempts to seduce the household administrator ended with him leaving his garment in her hand and running out of the house. According to household sources, her interest in fitness began shortly after she noticed that Joseph was handsome and well-built. Her subsequent training program consisted largely of approaching him in workout clothes and suggesting an activity unrelated to exercise. “Lie with me,” she said. Joseph refused, explaining that his master had entrusted him with the household and withheld nothing from him except his wife. “How then can I do this great wickedness and sin against God?” he asked. She clarified that the sports bra was from the premium collection. Joseph indicated that his objection was not financial. Despite her daily advances, he ...