The Calvinist Chronicle

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Reformed Church Escalates Discipline After Member Caught Bringing Jack, Jameson and Fireball to Bible Study

Elders clarify they are not opposed to alcohol—only to a man with a steady income repeatedly buying Jack Daniel’s, Jameson, and party whiskeys “you only hear about in rap verses.” The session of Grace Covenant Presbyterian announced this week that member “Chad” has been placed under formal church discipline, not for drunkenness or debauchery, but for what leaders are calling “a persistent pattern of low-brow whiskey purchases inconsistent with a Reformed doctrine of creation.” According to the elders, the issue is not that Chad drinks, but that he keeps drinking “whatever was on the endcap at Costco, again,” including bottles of Jack Daniel’s, Jameson, and assorted “party whiskeys” usually ordered in bars by people who think “neat” means “no calories.” The situation escalated at a recent men’s gathering, when Chad arrived proudly carrying a mismatched assortment of bottles: Jack Daniel’s, Jameson, a plastic handle of something marketed as “Trinity,” and, to the elders’ horror, an unope...

Seminary Student Puts “Calvinist” in Bio, Immediately Becomes Unbearable

Witnesses report a 500% increase in references to “the doctrines of grace,” graphs about sovereignty, and unsolicited Romans 9 lectures. The seminary community was rocked this week after a previously normal student updated his social media bio to include the word “Calvinist,” triggering what experts are calling “a near-instant personality shift with long-term relational consequences.” Within minutes, friends say, he began speaking exclusively in terms of “categories,” “systems,” and “historical confessions” no one had actually asked him about. Classmates report that the change was subtle at first. He started by adding a few casual references to “the Reformed tradition” in small talk about lunch. By the end of the day, he was explaining infralapsarianism to someone who had only asked him where the library bathroom was. “It’s like a switch flipped,” one student said. “Yesterday he was asking questions. Today he’s here to make sure everyone else’s theology ‘lands in the right place.’...

Vacation Bible School Exposed as Highly Suspicious Child-Sized Theology Program

Critics say the program dangerously suggests that children are sinners, Christ is welcoming them, and Scripture means what it says. The annual Vacation Bible School at First Church reportedly drew sharp criticism this week after organizers were accused of introducing children to a range of offensive concepts, including that Jesus loves them, that they should come to him, and that the kingdom of heaven belongs to those who receive it like children. Sources familiar with the matter said the trouble began when the children were heard singing “Jesus Loves Me” with the kind of confidence that tends to unsettle those who prefer a less explicit theology. Matters worsened when “Father Abraham” was introduced, reportedly causing concern that the program had crossed from harmless entertainment into full-blown biblical catechesis. One observer described the curriculum as “thinly disguised paedobaptist propaganda,” though others noted that the actual offense appeared to be the assumption that...

Homeschooled Child Concerned About Weird Public School Kids

Sources say the young theologian confidently critiques paganism, secular humanism, evolutionary biology, and socialism based on three documentaries and one co-op discussion. AUTSIN — The neighborhood was reportedly thrown into mild confusion this week after a homeschooled child, firmly grounded in conservative Christian teaching, concluded that public school students are, in fact, weird. The statement was delivered with the unshakable calm of someone who can recite memory verses, outline a basic Christian worldview, and has only ever seen locker-lined hallways in movies. According to observers, the child arrived at this conclusion after hearing that public school kids learn about “all kinds of gods,” discuss secular humanism, accept atheistic evolutionary biology as “just science,” and treat soft socialism like a group project with extra steps. “So they don’t even start with ‘In the beginning, God’?” the child reportedly asked, eyes wide with the kind of alarm usually reserv...

Renegade Protestant Reads the Church Fathers, Remains Protestant Out of Spite

Papists had long warned that exposure to the patristics would inevitably lead him to Rome, but the theologian reportedly finished Augustine, Athanasius, and the Desert Fathers and merely became more difficult at dinner parties. BOSTON — In a development that has reportedly confused both Roman Catholics and people who thought the early church was supposed to function as a kind of automatic on-ramp to the Vatican, a renegade Protestant announced this week that he had spent years reading the church fathers, the desert fathers, and a wide range of ancient Christian writers, yet remained stubbornly, and in some cases aggressively, Protestant. The theologian, whose reading habits have been described as “deeply suspicious” by former friends and “the exact sort of thing that should have corrected him by now” by several papists, reportedly began with Augustine, moved on to Athanasius, then spent a season among the desert fathers before concluding that the ancients were not, in fact, a hidd...

Radical PC(USA) Church Appoints Faithful Husband as Pastor

Leaders insist the decision is progressive, despite obvious signs of competence and fidelity. PHILADELPHIA — In a move described by church leaders as “a courageous expansion of who gets to serve,” a radical PC(USA) congregation reportedly ordained a straight Caucasian man faithfully married to his wife to the office of pastor this week, shocking members who had grown accustomed to the denomination treating such figures as a theoretical category rather than a viable candidate. According to witnesses, the ordination was framed as a historic act of welcome, with session members praising the candidate’s “life experience,” “availability to the Spirit,” and “willingness to use a microphone in front of a congregation without first requiring everyone to define their terms.” The man, who had reportedly spent years being overlooked for leadership because he was “too conventional,” was finally selected after church leaders concluded that ordaining someone with an intact marriage and no apparent o...