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USA Changes Relationship With Israel To “It’s Complicated;” Prophecy Teacher Changes Entire End-Times Chart

“Everything has changed,” he announces, moving three arrows before explaining why this confirms what he always predicted. WASHINGTON, D.C. — America’s decision to change its Facebook relationship status with Israel to “It’s complicated” triggered an emergency wave of prophecy broadcasts Wednesday, as dispensationalist commentators attempted to determine whether the election had removed the United States from an end-times chart where they had never conclusively located it. “We’ve always wondered why America isn’t explicitly mentioned in Revelation,” said prophecy teacher Brent Timeline, standing before a map covered in arrows. “Now we know. It’s the relationship settings.” An assistant quietly asked whether a Facebook update counted as a treaty. Timeline requested another red string. The dispute reflected a familiar theological divide: dispensationalism maintains a distinctive separation between Israel and the church, while its Reformed critics understand God’s people and promises throu...

The Chosen Replaces Controversial Angels With Twelve Legions Of CGI Alan Ritchsons

“Finally, a heavenly host that looks exactly how I imagined it,” says viewer who imagined Reacher in Roman armor. Following backlash over the appearance of angelic warriors in its season-six teaser, The Chosen has unveiled a revised heavenly host consisting entirely of digitally duplicated Alan Ritchsons. The original teaser prompted debate over angels whose clothing and weapons appeared inspired by Indigenous American cultures, with some viewers alleging forced diversity and others welcoming the artistic interpretation. Producers resolved the controversy by opening a single character file labeled “LARGE MAN” and pressing copy until the computer requested additional cooling. “We heard the concerns about taking artistic liberties with heavenly beings,” a production spokesman explained. “So we replaced those liberties with different liberties that tested better.” The revised scene features thousands of identical, broad-shouldered angels standing behind Jesus, each wearing a wh...

Man Urges Christians to Stop Following Calvin, Cannot Stop Following Calvinists

“Trust Christ, not Calvin,” says account whose last 43 posts concern Calvin. ONLINE — A theological commentator has announced a renewed commitment to keeping John Calvin out of Christian discourse through what sources describe as an increasingly comprehensive Calvin-monitoring program. The initiative follows an online exchange urging Christians to “Trust in Christ, not calvin,” a formulation the commentator has reportedly adopted as both his central ministry emphasis and the reason he checks fourteen Reformed accounts before breakfast.[x] “This obsession with a sixteenth-century Frenchman has to stop,” said fictional discernment blogger Nathaniel Freeborn, opening a spreadsheet titled Calvinists Who Mentioned Calvin Today. “People need to spend less time thinking about what these men believe.” Freeborn’s latest series, Why I Never Think About Calvin, currently comprises eighteen installments, three livestreams, and a supplementary investigation into whether a Presbyterian’s coffee...

Suburban Woman Survives Until November 1 Without Putting Up Christmas Tree

“At some point, you have to stop letting Halloween stand between you and your calling.” SUBURBAN AMERICA — Local homeowner Melissa Garland began decorating for Christmas at 12:01 a.m. November 1, ending what she described as “an extremely difficult period of restraint.” “I wanted to respect the other holidays,” Garland explained, dragging a nine-foot artificial spruce past a trick-or-treater who had not yet reached the sidewalk. “But they’ve had their time.” Her husband, Brian, confirmed that preparations had been underway for several weeks, although Melissa insisted that assembling the tree in the garage, testing the lights, and replacing the family photographs with winter landscapes did not technically constitute decorating. “That was infrastructure,” she said. The transition began at midnight, when the household’s final pumpkin was removed from the porch while still containing a lit candle. By 12:04, the front door bore a wreath large enough to require visitors to enter sideway...

Hobbit Pastor Introduces Second Wife, Elders Remind Him He’s Already Had One

“We’ve had one wife, yes,” says Peregrin Took. “But what about second wife?” HOBBITON — A disturbance broke out at the Shire’s Sunday gathering after Pastor Peregrin Took introduced his “second wife,” prompting Gandalf to rise slowly from the back pew. “You’ve already had one,” the wizard said. “We’ve had one wife, yes,” Pippin replied. “But what about second wife?” Merry leaned toward him. “I don’t think he knows about second wife, Pip.” “Oh, I know about her,” Gandalf said. “It is the first wife’s understanding of the arrangement that concerns me.” She was seated beside the aisle, wearing an expression that caused several hobbits to reconsider remaining for the reception. Pippin explained that his heart had called him toward a new adventure. “Your heart also called you toward the palantír,” Gandalf replied. “We do not regard every Tookish impulse as divine guidance.” An emergency meeting of the elders was convened at Bag End, where Pippin argued that a hobbit should not be expected t...

Researchers Find Hull Number At Suspected Ark Site, Registration Comes Back To Noah

“Could still be a natural formation,” says expert reviewing vessel title signed by son of Lamech. EASTERN TÜRKIYE — Researchers investigating the suspected site of Noah’s Ark announced Tuesday that they had recovered a hull identification plate and accompanying registration listing the owner as “Noah,” prompting immediate calls for additional testing. The discovery follows renewed investigations at the Durupınar formation, where researchers have reported possible structural features and collected samples, but have not established that the formation is a vessel or Noah’s Ark. The inquiry took an unexpected administrative turn when a researcher brushed sediment from a plate reading “ARK-000001” and discovered a waterproof document pouch behind it. “Registered owner: Noah. Father: Lamech. Authorized operators: Shem, Ham, Japheth,” the researcher read aloud. “Primary use: preservation of terrestrial life.” A colleague asked whether the document included anything more specific. “...