The Calvinist Chronicle

“So you’re telling me you eat a burrito and just…know what it tastes like?” he asked, increasingly concerned. TULSA, OK — Pentecostal church member Darren Wallace expressed deep concern Sunday after learning that believers from non-charismatic denominations claim to taste food despite not practicing the gift of tongues. Wallace first noticed the issue at a church potluck, where a Presbyterian visitor complimented the banana pudding. “Brother, I need to stop you right there,” Wallace said, gently lowering his plate. “You said that pudding tastes good. But how exactly did you receive that flavor? Was there an interpretation?” The visitor explained that he simply took a bite. Wallace reportedly looked alarmed. “You mean no prayer language? No heavenly utterance? No sudden movement of the Spirit through the palate?” he asked. “You just put baked beans in your mouth and identified them as baked beans?” Paul’s discussion of spiritual gifts in 1 Corinthians 12 includes “varieties of tongues” ...

Lawmakers celebrate biblical fiscal wisdom, then quietly clarify that land restoration, debt relief for citizens, and any personal sacrifice were “ceremonial provisions.” WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress voted overwhelmingly this week to restore the biblical Year of Jubilee after discovering that it could be used to erase the nation’s $40 trillion debt without requiring a single member to stop spending money. The actual federal debt passed $40 trillion this month, according to Treasury data and recent reporting.  Lawmakers said the milestone made it clear that the country needed a bold spiritual solution, preferably one involving an ancient command with an extremely selective modern application. “Leviticus teaches liberty throughout the land,” said one congressman, signing the National Jubilee Debt Reset Act with a commemorative shofar-shaped pen. “And what could be more liberating than telling every creditor, ‘We have prayerfully decided this no longer counts’?” The biblical Jubilee de...

Volunteer says the game is fully contained on the mixer’s tiny touchscreen and has not affected worship, apart from the pastor’s microphone now occasionally displaying “God Mode.” CEDAR GROVE, USA — A Reformed church’s sound technician briefly became the most popular member of the media team Sunday after successfully getting the original Doom to run on the sanctuary’s digital soundboard. The game remained entirely on the console’s maintenance screen, church leaders confirmed, and no imagery or game audio was played through the sanctuary speakers. The soundboard still delivered the sermon, psalms, Scripture reading, and announcements normally—provided nobody pressed the newly labeled button marked DO NOT ENABLE GOD MODE DURING CALL TO WORSHIP. Doom, released by id Software in 1993, became both a landmark first-person shooter and a longstanding target for technical hobbyists who enjoy making it run on improbable hardware.  Digital audio mixers are also common in worship settings, whe...

“We wanted to honor her tireless commitment to feeding, comforting, correcting, bathing, transporting, and not losing any children,” organizers said. OAK BROOK, USA — Local stay-at-home mother Emily Parker received a rare public honor Tuesday for successfully raising three occasionally frustrating but generally delightful children through another ordinary week of snacks, laundry, carpool lines, sibling disputes, scraped knees, bedtime stalling, and at least one mysterious sticky substance. Parker’s GoFundMe, titled “Help Emily Continue Doing The Thing Everyone Says Is The Most Important Job In The World,” reached $22 by Tuesday afternoon, thanks to the generosity of three anonymous donors. Organizers also presented her with a six-piece Chicken McNuggets meal, though witnesses confirmed two nuggets were immediately claimed by her youngest child. “Emily has faithfully kept all three children alive, cared for, mostly clean, and emotionally secure despite several mood swings—hers and their...

The evidence included one theological disagreement, three false dilemmas, and a book the accuser had not read. GRAND RAPIDS, MI —  A faithful Calvinist at First Reformed Church reportedly discovered he was secretly a Gnostic this week after a free-will theist assembled a theological prosecution from slogans, assumptions, and one Bible phrase involving voluntary donations. “God is love,” the investigator began. “Therefore, unconditional election is impossible, because love gives everyone libertarian free will.” When the Calvinist asked how that conclusion followed, the investigator changed the subject to human responsibility, then to robots, then to fairness. “If God determines your choices, you’re a machine,” he declared. “If you’re a machine, you can’t be guilty. If you can’t be guilty, Calvinism denies sin. And if Calvinism denies sin, it’s basically Gnosticism.” The Calvinist explained that Reformed theology does not deny that people make choices, but disputes whether freedom re...

 Local man had prepared 47 arguments, 19 loaded questions, three Greek word studies, and a laminated chart titled “Why You Are Wrong,” but had not prepared to answer the door before noon. SPRINGFIELD, USA — Seminary student Nathaniel Briggs spent Saturday afternoon crouched behind the curtains of his parents’ living room, waiting for Jehovah’s Witnesses or Latter-day Saint missionaries to knock on the door. “I’m not looking for a fight,” said Briggs, holding a Bible, three theology books, and a laminated diagram of the Trinity. “I simply want to ask a few sincere questions, beginning with, ‘Can you explain why your entire theological system collapses under John 1:1?’” Jehovah’s Witnesses have a longstanding door-to-door ministry, while missionary work remains central to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Briggs said he admired their zeal, especially because it meant they might eventually provide him with a captive audience. When two missionaries finally approach...