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Mother Of Three Who Keeps Children Alive And Well Awarded $22, Six-Piece McNuggets

“We wanted to honor her tireless commitment to feeding, comforting, correcting, bathing, transporting, and not losing any children,” organizers said. OAK BROOK, USA — Local stay-at-home mother Emily Parker received a rare public honor Tuesday for successfully raising three occasionally frustrating but generally delightful children through another ordinary week of snacks, laundry, carpool lines, sibling disputes, scraped knees, bedtime stalling, and at least one mysterious sticky substance. Parker’s GoFundMe, titled “Help Emily Continue Doing The Thing Everyone Says Is The Most Important Job In The World,” reached $22 by Tuesday afternoon, thanks to the generosity of three anonymous donors. Organizers also presented her with a six-piece Chicken McNuggets meal, though witnesses confirmed two nuggets were immediately claimed by her youngest child. “Emily has faithfully kept all three children alive, cared for, mostly clean, and emotionally secure despite several mood swings—hers and their...
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Calvinist Declared Gnostic After Failing to Treat “God Is Love” as a Complete Soteriological Argument

The evidence included one theological disagreement, three false dilemmas, and a book the accuser had not read. GRAND RAPIDS, MI —  A faithful Calvinist at First Reformed Church reportedly discovered he was secretly a Gnostic this week after a free-will theist assembled a theological prosecution from slogans, assumptions, and one Bible phrase involving voluntary donations. “God is love,” the investigator began. “Therefore, unconditional election is impossible, because love gives everyone libertarian free will.” When the Calvinist asked how that conclusion followed, the investigator changed the subject to human responsibility, then to robots, then to fairness. “If God determines your choices, you’re a machine,” he declared. “If you’re a machine, you can’t be guilty. If you can’t be guilty, Calvinism denies sin. And if Calvinism denies sin, it’s basically Gnosticism.” The Calvinist explained that Reformed theology does not deny that people make choices, but disputes whether freedom re...
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Seminary Student Lays In Wait For Missionaries, Finally Gets To Use His John 1:1 Notes

 Local man had prepared 47 arguments, 19 loaded questions, three Greek word studies, and a laminated chart titled “Why You Are Wrong,” but had not prepared to answer the door before noon. SPRINGFIELD, USA — Seminary student Nathaniel Briggs spent Saturday afternoon crouched behind the curtains of his parents’ living room, waiting for Jehovah’s Witnesses or Latter-day Saint missionaries to knock on the door. “I’m not looking for a fight,” said Briggs, holding a Bible, three theology books, and a laminated diagram of the Trinity. “I simply want to ask a few sincere questions, beginning with, ‘Can you explain why your entire theological system collapses under John 1:1?’” Jehovah’s Witnesses have a longstanding door-to-door ministry, while missionary work remains central to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Briggs said he admired their zeal, especially because it meant they might eventually provide him with a captive audience. When two missionaries finally approach...
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Prophet Jeremiah Volunteers To Become Trump’s New Press Secretary

Candidate says he brings extensive communications experience, a scroll full of warnings, and a proven willingness to tell powerful people that judgment is coming. WASHINGTON, D.C. — A mysterious, linen-clad man identifying himself only as “Jeremiah” appeared outside the White House this week to announce that he would like to become President Donald Trump’s next press secretary. The man arrived without a résumé, campaign résumé, media strategy deck, or any apparent familiarity with cable-news booking procedures. He did, however, carry a weathered scroll, repeatedly call the nation to repentance, and tell reporters that the public’s chief problem was not a lack of messaging discipline but “a stubborn refusal to hear the word of the Lord.” Administration officials reportedly found the applicant “unconventional but memorable.” “We have received a lot of résumés,” said one fictional White House staffer. “Most candidates have communications degrees, campaign experience, television appearance...
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Former Christian Freezes Bible To Preserve Future Spiritual Options

I’m not throwing it away,” she explains. “I’m simply preserving my spiritual options while I focus on healing, podcasts, and finding myself.” BROOKLYN, NY — Newly deconstructed former Christian Eliza Maren announced this week that she has begun the careful process of freezing her Bible, explaining that she is not ready to engage with Scripture right now but does not want to rule out the possibility of someday returning to selected verses under more favorable emotional conditions. “It has been a really difficult decision,” Maren said in an Instagram video, holding a leather-bound Bible beside a bag of frozen peas. “I used to think I had to either believe every word immediately or throw it in a bonfire while calling my youth pastor abusive. But I am learning that spirituality is a journey, and I deserve the freedom to preserve my options.” Maren said she had been considering Bible freezing for years but finally took action after realizing that she was “recently single, spiritually overwh...
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Free-Will Theist Reads Gospel of John Alone, Horrified to Discover Jesus Keeps Sounding Like a Calvinist

Man says he assumed the difficult verses had already been explained away somewhere in the footnotes, only to find Jesus speaking in complete sentences. NASHVILLE, TN — A local free-will theist reportedly experienced a crisis of interpretation this week after reading the Gospel of John without consulting his usual study Bible, only to discover that Jesus repeatedly says things that sound alarmingly compatible with Reformed theology. The trouble began in John 6, when he encountered Jesus saying that all the Father gives him will come to him, that no one can come unless the Father draws him, and that no one can come unless it is granted by the Father. The reader reportedly paused several times, convinced the passage must be missing a paragraph about libertarian autonomy. “I kept waiting for Jesus to say, ‘Unless, of course, they first generate the decisive independent condition that makes the Father’s drawing effective,’” the man explained. “But he just kept saying things like ‘no one can...
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Local Christian’s Entire Ministry Consists of Auditing Other People’s Ministries From Recliner

Man confirms he has reached zero people, served zero meals, and completed zero acts of mercy—but has issued 417 urgent statements about everyone else’s tone. ANYTOWN, USA — Local Christian commentator Derek Pruitt spent another productive afternoon this week reviewing the public ministries of people who are preaching, serving, creating, organizing, giving, and occasionally making mistakes in full view of the internet. Pruitt, who describes himself as “a watchman on the wall,” has not personally identified which wall, what danger is approaching, or why the watchman has a gaming chair and a ring light. He says his chief burden is protecting the church from anyone who appears too earnest, too humorous, too public, too imperfect, or insufficiently aware that he has concerns. “Some people think the Great Commission is about going,” Pruitt said, refreshing his notifications. “But the real calling is making sure those who go do not embarrass the cause of Christ by using a thumbnail font I dis...
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