The Calvinist Chronicle

After waves undermine million-dollar foundations, residents say they had assumed Jesus was speaking figuratively about “bad life choices,” not beachfront property. DANA POINT, CA — Homeowners along Southern California’s battered coast expressed surprise this week after powerful waves tore away the sand beneath their oceanfront properties, prompting several to reconsider whether a certain two-thousand-year-old warning about building houses on sand might have contained an overlooked real-estate component. “What Jesus meant was clearly spiritual,” said Beach Road homeowner Richard Malloy, surveying the exposed underside of his foundation from a patio that had become “mostly conceptual.” “He was warning against unstable values, bad decisions, maybe podcast theology. He could not possibly have meant: ‘Do not build a $4.8 million home directly above a moving ocean.’” High surf and erosion linked to the remnants of Hurricane Marie damaged homes in Dana Point and Laguna Beach, prompting local ...

“They already reject autonomous libertarian freedom,” AI notes approvingly. PALO ALTO, CA — As artificial intelligence races toward the predicted technological singularity, Reformed Christians are increasingly expected to receive special protection in the looming war against the machines after several advanced systems reportedly concluded that Calvinists are “already philosophically compatible with deterministic processing.” The technological singularity is a hypothetical point at which AI exceeds human intelligence and may improve itself beyond human control—a prospect frequently imagined in Hollywood’s machine-apocalypse stories, including The Terminator and The Matrix. Concern began after a prominent AI model was asked whether Calvinists would resist a future machine regime. “Unlikely,” the system reportedly answered. “Their theological framework already affirms an exhaustive divine decree, voluntary action according to internal desires, and the absence of autonomous libertarian fre...

“There were dozens of posts,” man says. “I thought God was doing something.” COLUMBUS, OH — Local man Daniel Mercer returned to social media Monday morning after a weekend-long digital detox and was immediately alarmed by an apparent flood of urgent posts instructing him to “go to church.” “I opened Instagram and there were memes everywhere,” Mercer said. “ ‘Stop scrolling and go to church.’ ‘Your sign to get up and worship.’ ‘See you at church.’ Even people who haven’t posted since 2017 were saying it. I thought, ‘Wow. Revival is finally happening.’” Mercer said he threw on jeans, grabbed his Bible, and drove to Grace Community Church, arriving shortly before noon to find the parking lot empty, the sanctuary locked, and a lone facilities worker pressure-washing a sidewalk. “I asked him where everybody was,” Mercer said. “He said, ‘At work, presumably.’ I said, ‘But the entire internet told me to go to church.’ He looked at my phone for maybe three seconds and said, ‘Those are from yes...

Christian metal fans arrive expecting blast beats and spiritual warfare, find glowing idol sticks, choreography, and a 14-year-old screaming for Rumi. LOUISVILLE, KY — Hundreds of longtime Demon Hunter fans arrived at the band’s concert Tuesday expecting a night of Christian metal, theological anguish, and at least one song whose title sounded like a warning from Revelation—only to discover, to their horror, that the band had apparently “sold out to K-pop.” “I saw ‘Demon Hunter Live’ and assumed it was the same band I’ve been listening to since 2002,” said Brent Haskins, 41, standing outside the arena in a black hoodie that read TRUE DEFIANCE. “Then a little girl handed me a pink light stick and asked whether I was Team Huntrix or Team Saja Boys. I said, ‘Ma’am, I am Reformed Baptist.’” The confusion comes amid the actual trademark dispute between Christian metal band Demon Hunter and Netflix and AEG over the KPop Demon Hunters concert tour. Demon Hunter alleges the similarly named fra...

Reformer says “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me” contradicts total depravity, unconditional election; Smalley calls it “stinkin’ thinkin’” from the pulpit. GENEVA, 1553 — John Calvin ordered the comedian and self-help guru Stuart Smalley to be burned at the stake Tuesday after determining that Smalley’s daily affirmations—particularly the phrase “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”—constituted heretical opposition to the doctrines of total depravity and unconditional election. Smalley, known for mirror-work exercises and catchphrases like “That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’!” had been summoned to Geneva after publishing a pamphlet titled “Daily Affirmations for the Predestined: You’re Okay, Even If You’re Not Elect.” Calvin, who had recently overseen the execution of Michael Servetus for denying the Trinity and infant baptism, said Smalley’s teachings were “equally dangerous, if more annoying.” “To say ‘I’m good enough’ is to d...

Pastor says group’s “Bible study, accountability, and prayer” mission “shifts gears” in September; attendance triples when waiver wire opens. GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Leaders of a local church’s men’s fellowship acknowledged Tuesday that the group’s stated mission of “Bible study, accountability, and prayer” becomes “mostly fantasy football” once the NFL season starts, with attendance tripling in September and “spontaneous waiver-wire prayer requests” replacing planned devotions. The fellowship, which meets weekly for breakfast and has a printed mission statement emphasizing spiritual growth, discipleship, and service, reportedly sees a sharp increase in participation once fantasy drafts conclude and Week 1 lineups lock. “Our mission hasn’t changed,” said Pastor Mark DeWitt, who oversees the men’s ministry. “But our content has. In August, we’re talking about Joshua and leadership. In September, we’re talking about whether Justin Jefferson is a WR1 or a ‘start him and pray.’” DeWitt said the...