The Calvinist Chronicle

Candidate says he brings extensive communications experience, a scroll full of warnings, and a proven willingness to tell powerful people that judgment is coming. WASHINGTON, D.C. — A mysterious, linen-clad man identifying himself only as “Jeremiah” appeared outside the White House this week to announce that he would like to become President Donald Trump’s next press secretary. The man arrived without a résumé, campaign résumé, media strategy deck, or any apparent familiarity with cable-news booking procedures. He did, however, carry a weathered scroll, repeatedly call the nation to repentance, and tell reporters that the public’s chief problem was not a lack of messaging discipline but “a stubborn refusal to hear the word of the Lord.” Administration officials reportedly found the applicant “unconventional but memorable.” “We have received a lot of résumés,” said one fictional White House staffer. “Most candidates have communications degrees, campaign experience, television appearance...

I’m not throwing it away,” she explains. “I’m simply preserving my spiritual options while I focus on healing, podcasts, and finding myself.” BROOKLYN, NY — Newly deconstructed former Christian Eliza Maren announced this week that she has begun the careful process of freezing her Bible, explaining that she is not ready to engage with Scripture right now but does not want to rule out the possibility of someday returning to selected verses under more favorable emotional conditions. “It has been a really difficult decision,” Maren said in an Instagram video, holding a leather-bound Bible beside a bag of frozen peas. “I used to think I had to either believe every word immediately or throw it in a bonfire while calling my youth pastor abusive. But I am learning that spirituality is a journey, and I deserve the freedom to preserve my options.” Maren said she had been considering Bible freezing for years but finally took action after realizing that she was “recently single, spiritually overwh...

Man says he assumed the difficult verses had already been explained away somewhere in the footnotes, only to find Jesus speaking in complete sentences. NASHVILLE, TN — A local free-will theist reportedly experienced a crisis of interpretation this week after reading the Gospel of John without consulting his usual study Bible, only to discover that Jesus repeatedly says things that sound alarmingly compatible with Reformed theology. The trouble began in John 6, when he encountered Jesus saying that all the Father gives him will come to him, that no one can come unless the Father draws him, and that no one can come unless it is granted by the Father. The reader reportedly paused several times, convinced the passage must be missing a paragraph about libertarian autonomy. “I kept waiting for Jesus to say, ‘Unless, of course, they first generate the decisive independent condition that makes the Father’s drawing effective,’” the man explained. “But he just kept saying things like ‘no one can...

Man confirms he has reached zero people, served zero meals, and completed zero acts of mercy—but has issued 417 urgent statements about everyone else’s tone. ANYTOWN, USA — Local Christian commentator Derek Pruitt spent another productive afternoon this week reviewing the public ministries of people who are preaching, serving, creating, organizing, giving, and occasionally making mistakes in full view of the internet. Pruitt, who describes himself as “a watchman on the wall,” has not personally identified which wall, what danger is approaching, or why the watchman has a gaming chair and a ring light. He says his chief burden is protecting the church from anyone who appears too earnest, too humorous, too public, too imperfect, or insufficiently aware that he has concerns. “Some people think the Great Commission is about going,” Pruitt said, refreshing his notifications. “But the real calling is making sure those who go do not embarrass the cause of Christ by using a thumbnail font I dis...

Manufacturers say the feel-good evangelical condiment pairs perfectly with peanut butter, biscuits, and sermons carefully engineered to offend no one. A new food spread known as Evan-jelly has reportedly become the official refreshment of churches seeking a softer, sweeter, and less structurally demanding form of Christianity. Described as “theologically light” and “emotionally spreadable,” the product is designed for potlucks, fellowship breakfasts, and any sermon where the word “sin” has been replaced with “growth opportunity.” According to its packaging, Evan-jelly is made from “encouragement, affirmation, and a gentle fruit flavor,” with no added conviction and only trace amounts of biblical specificity. It can be paired with peanut butter, spread on biscuits, or applied directly to a sermon until every difficult teaching has been rendered “a little more approachable.” “It’s perfect for people who want something Christian but don’t want to chew,” said one marketing representative. ...

Critics prepare to explain why a heartwarming cabin conversation is not automatically a doctrine of God. NASHVILLE, TN — The author of The Shack reportedly reassured Christian critics this week that the forthcoming sequel, Return to the Shack, will not retreat from the original’s famously controversial theological imagination. Instead, in this fictional account, he has pledged to make the new installment “even more blasphemous, emotionally affirming, and professionally alarming” than its predecessor. The actual sequel, Return to the Shack: A Journey Into Redemption, is scheduled for release October 6, 2026.  But in the satirical press release, the author reportedly promised readers that the book will answer the question everyone has been asking: “What if the first book’s critics had not yet purchased enough highlighters?” “Some readers felt the original did not sufficiently blur the distinction between poetic fiction, personal therapy, and doctrine of God,” the fictional statement ...