Once Judeo-Christian Nation Watches Debate To Determine Which Immoral Reprobate Best Qualified to Lead

Nation’s Moral Compass Goes Haywire, Formally Resigns Following Debate

Philadelphia - In a spectacle that could only be described as a divine comedy, the nation once hailed as a "Judeo-Christian" nation gathered to watch the presidential debate, eager to determine which immoral reprobate would best lead them forward. The candidates, both seasoned in the art of moral ambiguity, took the stage with the confidence of televangelists at a Sunday sermon.

As the candidates took the stage, the audience was treated to a spectacle reminiscent of a reality show, complete with mudslinging and moral gymnastics that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush. One candidate, known for his "alternative facts," argued passionately that he had the best rallies in the history of political rallies, while another claimed to be “unburdened by the past” [but still current] administration’s numerous international scandals and blunders, promising that to fix everything she has been avoiding for the past several years, but only after being reelected.

Viewers across the country grabbed their popcorn, eagerly awaiting the moment when the candidates would inevitably pivot from discussing pressing issues like healthcare and immigration to the more pressing matter of who could best wield a Bible while dodging questions about their tax returns.

As the debate concluded, viewers were left pondering which candidate could best embody the nation's moral aspirations—or at least fake it convincingly. In the end, the only clear winner was the notion that satire writes itself in times like these.

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Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu

Opinion: How to Win Any Theological Argument With One Simple Phrase

The Ultimate Guide to Dispensational Defense: How to Defend Your Faith and Confuse Your Critics Quickly and Efficiently Are you tired of losing arguments with your fellow Christians over eschatology, hermeneutics, or covenant theology? Do you wish you had a foolproof way to silence your opponents and prove your superior understanding of the Bible? Well, look no further than this one simple phrase: "You don't understand dispensationalism." That's right, with this magic phrase, you can win any theological debate in seconds. Here's how it works: - Step 1: Identify your opponent's position and label it as non-dispensational. It doesn't matter if they are amillennial, postmillennial, covenantal, or even dispensational themselves. Just say they are not. - Step 2: Assert that their position is based on a faulty interpretation of Scripture that ignores the literal, grammatical-historical method and the distinction between Israel and the church. - Step 3: When they

Christian Man Denounces All Holidays as Pagan, Celebrates Nothing

Even the Calendar Comes From Pagans, Man Declares A Christian man from San Diego, California, has declared that he will not celebrate any holiday, not even his own birthday, because they are all pagan and sinful. John Bradfield, 45, says he has been studying the Bible and history for years and has come to the conclusion that every holiday is an abomination in the eyes of God. "I don't celebrate Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, or any other holiday," Bradfield said. "They are all based on pagan traditions and rituals that have nothing to do with Christianity. They are all corrupted by Satan and his minions. Even my birthday is pagan, because it's based on the solar calendar, which was invented by pagans. I only follow the biblical calendar, which is based on the lunar cycles." Bradfield says he spends his days reading the Bible, praying, and preaching to others about the evils of holidays. He says he has no friends or family,

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