The Calvinist Chronicle

The Presbyterian Rebellion: America's Forgotten Founders As we celebrate Independence Day, it's time to set the record straight on who really sparked the American Revolution. While some denominations wave their flags and rewrite history, they seem to have conveniently forgotten the pivotal role played by our stalwart Presbyterian forebears. The True Spark of Revolution Forget the Boston Tea Party; the real rebellion began in the Presbyterian pulpits. As early as 1764, Presbyterian ministers were fanning the flames of discontent against British rule. The Reverend John Witherspoon, a Presbyterian minister and president of the College of New Jersey (now Princeton University), was busy shaping the minds of future revolutionaries long before the first shot was fired at Lexington and Concord. And chances are, they were all sipping tea smuggled in by the Dutch to circumvent those infamous taxes. The Presbyterian Declaration Did you know that one-third of the signers of the Declaration

Cardiologist Discovers 'Jesus Valve,' Atheists Claim It's Just Heartburn In a stunning revelation that has both the medical and religious communities buzzing, renowned cardiologist Dr. Faith Pumper has scientifically confirmed what the Bible has been telling us all along: the human heart is indeed "deceitful above all things and desperately sick" (Jeremiah 17:9). The Heart of the Matter Dr. Pumper's research, conducted at the prestigious Holy Rolling Medical Center, involved examining the hearts of over 10,000 individuals from various backgrounds. The results were nothing short of extraordinary – or should we say, biblical? "We've always known the heart was a complex organ," Dr. Pumper stated in a press conference, "but we never expected to find actual scientific evidence of its moral corruption. It appears that every non-Christian heart we examined was riddled with deceit, wickedness, and an alarming number of reality TV show subscriptions.

Reformed Theologians Rush to Revise Rapture Timelines as Presidential Candidates Demonstrate Humanity's Downward Spiral  In a shocking turn of events, the latest presidential debate has left Reformed theologians scrambling to revise their eschatological views. Prominent postmillennialists were seen frantically burning their books and apologizing to their amillennial colleagues after witnessing the spectacle unfold on national television. "I've spent decades arguing for the gradual Christianization of society," lamented Dr. Optimist VanHopeful. "But after seeing those two candidates bicker like toddlers over a juice box for 90 minutes, I'm convinced the world is actually getting worse by the second." The debate, which featured more personal insults than policy discussions, has been hailed as the final nail in the coffin for postmillennial thought. Viewers reported feeling their faith in humanity actively eroding with each passing minute. "I used to b

“I was blind, but now I see…just how bad my theology was!” man exclaims In a surprising turn of events, local man Bob Smith discovered that his theology was in dire need of correction—thanks to a new pair of reading glasses. After years of misinterpreting Scripture, Bob's new lenses allowed him to read the Bible clearly for the first time. "I always thought 'God helps those who help themselves' was in there somewhere," Bob confessed. "Turns out, it's not! And that's just the tip of the iceberg." Bob's newfound clarity has led to a complete overhaul of his beliefs, particularly those influenced by popular pastors and trendy theological ideas. He was shocked to discover that many catchphrases he'd accepted as biblical truth were actually misinterpretations or not in Scripture at all. "I used to nod along when pastors talked about God being a gentleman who won't violate our free will," Bob chuckled. "But now I see that doe

When your mighty fortress gets a beachfront upgrade and a sick guitar riff. #HymnMakeover NASHVILLE, TN – In a move that has left both traditionalists and modern worship enthusiasts scratching their heads, contemporary worship artist Jordan "J-Dub" Williams has announced the release of his latest innovation: the "Hymn Chorus Generator 3000." This cutting-edge software promises to breathe new life into classic hymns by adding random water, fire, or weather metaphors, complete with guitar chords for the ultimate worship experience. A Divine Inspiration Williams, known for his chart-topping worship hits like "Oceans of Grace" and "Fire of Faith," claims the idea came to him during a particularly intense prayer session. "I was just strumming my guitar, asking God for inspiration, when it hit me: what if we could make hymns more relatable to today's worshippers by adding some modern flair?" said Williams. "And what's more relata

 Pastor Confuses Notes With Mother's Day, Celebrating Men Instead of To-Do Lists *Redmond, WA* — In a hilarious twist of fate, the congregation at St. Absurdity's Church found themselves caught in a liturgical limbo this past Sunday. What was meant to be a heartfelt Father's Day sermon turned into a comedy of errors that left fathers scratching their heads and mothers smirking knowingly. The trouble began innocently enough. Pastor Bob, known for his penchant for mixing up holidays, stepped up to the pulpit with a beaming smile. The congregation settled into their pews, expecting the usual platitudes about strong dads, dad jokes, and dad bods. But little did they know, they were about to witness liturgical gymnastics. "Good morning, beloved fathers!" Pastor Bob boomed, his voice echoing through the stained glass windows. "Today, we celebrate you—the unsung heroes of our families. You mow lawns, grill burgers, and occasionally remember where the dishwasher is.