“Our players chose to win,” Sirianni Declares PHILADELPHIA—In a move that has sparked controversy and eye-rolls across the theological and football communities, the Philadelphia Eagles have issued an official statement thanking God for gifting them a superior sense of free will compared to their Super Bowl LIX opponents, the Kansas City Chiefs. The Eagles, who narrowly defeated the Chiefs 38-37 in a nail-biting finish, attribute their victory not to divine intervention, but to divinely-endowed decision-making prowess. "We are grateful for the blessings bestowed upon us," said Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni during a press conference held outside a local cathedral. "But let's be clear: we won that game because our players chose to win. God gave us the free will to make better choices than the Chiefs, and we ran with it—literally, in Saquon Barkley’s case." The statement goes on to suggest that while God loves all His children, He recognizes that some possess a st...
A Trump Blaring over Women - Nothing New WASHINGTON, D.C.—A solemn prayer service at the National Cathedral took a surreal turn Tuesday when Bishop Mariann Budde’s sermon was abruptly drowned out by the blaring of a spectral trumpet. The sound, described by attendees as “otherworldly,” was followed by the faint apparition of a stern man in 16th-century garb, pacing near the pulpit. Bishop Budde, reportedly paused, glanced upward, and resumed her prayer unfazed. “Even in death, some men just can’t handle female leadership,” she later joked to reporters. While the figure did not speak, murmurs spread through the crowd as some attendees speculated it was none other than John Knox, the fiery Scottish reformer. The connection to his infamous treatise, “The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstruous Regiment of Women,” was quickly made by historians and theology buffs alike. A witness later described the scene as “chaotic yet oddly theological.” However, the real twist came when Donal...