The Calvinist Chronicle

Leighton Flowers Declares War on Calvinism: Wants Election Day to Sound Less Predestined and More Like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure  In a twist on theological debates, Leighton Flowers has started a petition to rename "Election Day" to "Choose This Day Whom You Will Serve Day," aiming to highlight his disdain for Calvinism's doctrine of election.  Flowers, known for his opposition to the idea that God unconditionally chooses certain individuals for salvation, argues that the current name inadvertently endorses Calvinist predestination. "Why should Election Day imply a predetermined outcome?" he quipped, suggesting the new name would better reflect the freedom of choice he advocates.  Critics wonder if this is just another chapter in his ongoing crusade against Calvinism.

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice  In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch

Christmas Showdown: Deck the Halls or Stuff the Turkey?   In a groundbreaking move, the newly convened Ecumenical Council of Christmas Decorators (ECCD) has met to settle the burning question: should we deck the halls with boughs of holly the day after Halloween or wait until the day after Thanksgiving? As the Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians 6:12, "All things are lawful, but not all things are beneficial." Pro-Pre-Halloween Faction argues that early decorators are simply "preparing their hearts" for the season. They cite studies showing that 87% of Christmas cheer comes from excessive twinkling lights and eggnog consumption.  Pro-Post-Thanksgiving Contingent insists that waiting honors the sacred turkey and respects Advent’s solemnity. They argue, “Why rush? The Christmas spirit is like a fine wine; it needs time to breathe.” As debates rage on, one thing is clear: whether you’re a jingle bell early bird or a festive procrastinator, the true spirit of Christmas

“I’ve heard worse things from my pastor! The hymns I sing every Sunday call me worse things than garbage!” Reformed Man Exclaims In a twist that has left political analysts scratching their heads, a group of undecided Calvinists has swung their support to Donald Trump after President Biden reportedly referred to them as “trash.” This unexpected endorsement has sparked laughter and confusion, all while highlighting the Calvinist doctrine of **total depravity**, which posits that all humans are inherently sinful.  Trash Talk and Total Depravity For those unfamiliar, total depravity means that Calvinists believe they are born sinful—like a broken toaster that only burns toast. So when Biden’s comments hit the airwaves, many Calvinists found themselves chuckling. One particularly bemused Calvinist, “Dave from the Reformed Church,” noted, “Honestly, I’ve heard worse things from my pastor! The hymns I sing every Sunday call me worse things than garbage!” The Great Shift: From Undecided to Tr

Parents Urged to Inspect Sweets for Signs of Pelagianism, Provisionism, and Other Philosophical Poisons  Local authorities are ramping up warnings this Halloween, advising parents to thoroughly inspect their children's candy for signs of tampering—particularly candy laced with trace amounts of deadly substances such as Provisionism, Arminianism, Pelagianism, and other free-will theistic philosophies.  “Sure, check for razor blades,” said one concerned parent, “but what about those suspiciously liberal-looking gummy bears? They might be pushing humanistic agendas!” “While we’re all for a good scare, the last thing we need is our kids questioning predestination over a handful of Skittles,” said one concerned pastor. Experts suggest discarding any candy that seems overly permissive, especially if it promotes self-determination over divine grace. “If it’s not wrapped in scripture, toss it!” another parent exclaimed. Parents are urged to stay vigilant; after all, the only thing scarier

Trump’s Theological Takedown: Calvinism vs. The Liberal “Normal” In a surprising turn, Donald Trump took to Joe Rogan's podcast to champion Calvinism, drawing parallels between his political battles and theological debates. "Calvinism is tremendous," Trump declared, likening predestination to his political victories—inevitable and ordained. "Just like I defend Christian values from the radical left, I'm here to protect Calvinism from the fake news of theological liberals." Rogan, intrigued, asked about non-denominationalism. Trump dismissed it as "the so-called 'normal Christianity'—a watered-down version pushed by liberals trying to change the narrative." He continued, "These theological liberals want to make everything non-denominational, like a bland soup where everyone picks their own beliefs. But real Christianity has structure and order, just like my administration." Trump's defense of Calvinism resonated with his evange