The Calvinist Chronicle

Local Man Holds Family Hostage with Present Guessing Game, Turning Holiday Cheer into a Test of Free Will and Acceptance In the charming town of Snowyville, Harold Thompson, a devout Freewill Baptist and self-proclaimed "Gift Philosopher," decided to take Christmas to a whole new level. This year, he declared that his family would not receive their presents until they could articulate what each gift was and consciously choose to accept it. The Gift Revelation Ceremony On Christmas morning, instead of the usual chaos, the Thompson living room was filled with confusion. The children stared at a pile of gifts labeled with cryptic clues.  "Before you can open your presents," Harold announced, "you must demonstrate your understanding of what lies within." Emily squinted at a box marked "For the one who desires knowledge." After some guesswork, she identified it as a reading lamp. "Do you freely choose to accept this gift?" Harold asked. ...

 “No Kid with a Drum Near a Sleeping Baby!” Says Former President, Igniting Holiday Controversy In a shocking holiday announcement, Donald Trump declared he would "absolutely remove that little drummer boy from every Christmas playlist" because "no one wants a kid banging a drum near a sleeping baby!"  Trump added, “I mean, what kind of gift is that? A drum? I’ve seen better gifts from my golf buddies. Everyone knows babies need peace, not a percussion concert!”  He further insisted, “If I were Mary, I’d say, ‘Get that kid outta here!’ It’s Christmas, not a rock concert!” This bold move has left many wondering if the season's spirit can survive without the rhythmic charm of the beloved carol.

  What Joseph's face might have looked like after hearing about Mary's "perpetual virginity." Joseph, Did You Know... You'd Stay a Virgin, Too? *To the tune of Mary, Did You Know? Joseph, did you know   That your wedding night would end in prayer and fasting?   Joseph, did you know   That your dreams of love would face a vow everlasting?   Did you know   That your chaste embrace would guard a virgin's call?   And that your marriage bed   Would be the holiest of all? Joseph, did you know   That your baby boy would redefine your mission?   Joseph, did you know   That perpetual virginity was Mary’s disposition?   Did you know   That your sacrifice would shape salvation’s plan?   And that your silent suffering   Would make you God’s best man? The vows stayed true, the nights were cold,   Your patience shone like gold.   The ange...

“If He Can Throw Hands With Arius, Then He Can Fight Me!” This will undoubtably secure the “Problem Child” (left) a spot on Santa’s (right) Naughty List  In a shocking turn of events, Jake Paul has issued a challenge to none other than St. Nicholas, claiming he can't let the jolly saint's historical knockout of Arius go unpunished. "If Santa can throw hands, so can I!" declared Paul, who recently celebrated a victory against Mike Tyson, a man who "almost blanked out" during their bout.  The boxing match is set to take place in a North Pole ring, where elves will serve as judges. Fans are already speculating whether St. Nick will attempt to add coal to his gloves as a tactical advantage. "I’ve seen him take down a heretic; I’m not scared!" Paul added, referencing the legendary slap from the Council of Nicea. While some question the legitimacy of this matchup, others are just excited for the holiday-themed trash talk. Rumor has it that Santa has alre...

Woman Considers Trading in Handmaid’s Tale Costume for Puritan Outfit  In a surprising turn of events, local liberal Christian, Emily Harmon, found herself in a heated theological debate after a chance encounter with Calvinist theologian, Dr. John Predestine. The conversation took an unexpected twist when Dr. Predestine casually remarked, “Your soul, God’s choice,” leaving Emily both flabbergasted and fashionably flustered. “I was just trying to enjoy my fair-trade latte,” Emily recounted, “when this guy starts talking about predestination like it’s the latest Netflix series. I mean, who does that?” The comment has sparked an identity crisis for Emily, who is now considering trading in her cherished “Handmaid’s Tale” costume for something more… Puritanical. “I never thought I’d say this, but maybe bonnets are the new protest symbol,” she mused while browsing online for historically accurate Puritan attire. In response to the incident, Emily has organized a protest march titled “My ...

Controversial Political Career Rises From the Grave and Ascends to Great Heights In a dramatic turn of events, a renowned leader, once stricken down by false charges and an unjust conviction, has astounded the world by rising again to proclaim his victory. This remarkable figure, known for his groundbreaking teachings and widespread influence, faced intense scrutiny and opposition from established authorities who viewed him as a disruptive force. Despite the conviction and the seemingly insurmountable odds, this leader has made an astonishing comeback. Emerging from what many believed to be his downfall, he has declared triumph over the forces that sought to silence him. His return has been met with jubilant celebration from his followers, who see this as a vindication of his mission and message. This extraordinary event underscores the resilience and enduring impact of a leader whose influence continues to resonate across generations. As he stands victorious, his story serves as a pow...