Trump Bans Little Drummer Boy from Christmas Playlists

“No Kid with a Drum Near a Sleeping Baby!” Says Former President, Igniting Holiday Controversy

In a shocking holiday announcement, Donald Trump declared he would "absolutely remove that little drummer boy from every Christmas playlist" because "no one wants a kid banging a drum near a sleeping baby!"

Trump added, “I mean, what kind of gift is that? A drum? I’ve seen better gifts from my golf buddies. Everyone knows babies need peace, not a percussion concert!”

He further insisted, “If I were Mary, I’d say, ‘Get that kid outta here!’ It’s Christmas, not a rock concert!” This bold move has left many wondering if the season's spirit can survive without the rhythmic charm of the beloved carol.

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Baptists Cancel Outdoor Service Due to Rain Threat

Baptists Cancel Outdoor Service Due to Rain Threat A local Baptist church has decided to cancel its planned outdoor service this Sunday due to the forecast of rain. The pastor of the church, Rev. Joe Jones, said that he did not want to risk exposing his congregation to the wet weather, which could have dire consequences for their spiritual health. "We believe that baptism is a personal decision that should only be made by those who have professed their faith in Jesus Christ," Jones said. "We do not practice infant baptism, unlike our Presbyterian neighbors, who sprinkle water on their babies as a sign of the covenant." Jones explained that he feared that if his church members got wet from the rain, they might inadvertently become Presbyterians, which would be a tragedy for their souls. "Presbyterians believe in predestination, which means that God has already determined who will be saved and who will be damned," Jones said. "They also have a hierarchy...

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

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To Protect Last Political Allies from Trump, Biden Pardons Pilate, the Sanhedrin

Critics Say Presidential Clemency 2,000 Years Too Late In a shocking twist of historical revisionism, President Biden has issued a last-minute presidential pardon for Pontius Pilate and the Sanhedrin, effectively settling a 2,000-year-old legal dispute. The unprecedented move comes as Biden clears his presidential desk, seemingly determined to resolve theological legal matters that have been pending since the first century. "Sometimes, you've got to wash your hands of ancient history—literally," Biden reportedly quipped, making a clear reference to Pilate's infamous hand-washing gesture. The pardon documents hilariously cite "administrative oversight" and "bureaucratic complications" as primary reasons for the belated legal clemency. Religious scholars and historians are bewildered, with one anonymous theologian remarking, "Well, that's one way to end a presidency—by retroactively solving a crucifixion controversy." The White House pr...

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