Men Named "David" More Likely to Suffer Identity Crisis

Matt Chandler, the lead pastor of Southern Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas, has shot to the evangelical spotlight in after preaching a sermon in which he proclaims that "You're not David!" to an unsuspecting captive audience. In doing so, however, he inadvertently caused a mass identity crisis among an unlikely, oddly-specific demographic: people who actually are named "David."

One person, who commented on the condition of anonymity, said: "I've been called David my whole life. Now that I've been told I'm not David, I don't even know who I am anymore. I've started going by my middle name, but nobody's ever called me "Matthew" before and it's really taking some getting used to. My children look at me like I'm a stranger. My wife says she feels like she's sleeping with another man. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I'm having an identity crisis. What do I do?

We reached out to a local counselor for assistance and recommendations to those afflicted in such a manner, but upon showing him the video, he exclaimed "...but my name is David!" and promptly ran out of the room. Follow up calls were made to his office, but his receptionist stated that no one by the name of David works there and refused to elaborate further.

If you were named David, and you're currently struggling with similar issues, please seek help by a trained and licensed counselor, clinician or psychologist. Just don't look for help from other people who also go by the given name of "David."

*satire notwithstanding, mental illness and trauma are no laughing matter, and we don't mean to demean anyone suffering from serious illness. If you believe you are suffering from a serious issue, we encourage you to seek your pastor or respective clergy and/or professional help.

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