Skip to main content

Redwood Surgery Frees Man From Hypocrisy

A man who recently had a log surgically removed from his eye is now free to judge others un-hypocritically.


For years, a man named John Smith suffered from an unlikely condition: a tree growing from his eye. And not just any tree, but a Redwood tree normally seen in the forests of northern California. 

This unusual condition was initially confused with Epidermodysplasia verruciformis, the condition of bark-like skin lesions on the skin, but it was later confirmed to be an actual sapling the Sequoioideae family growing from John's eye. But it didn't say a sapling for long, and in the unique environmentof John's eye it quickly matured into a large tree. As John proudly stated: "...It was a big ol' honkin' redwood. It wasn't really bad at first, but after a while it became really unbearable. I was carrying around this tremendous weight, and it after a while, it became unbearably heavy. But the worst part was, I couldn't even judge anybody. It's pretty hard to look down your nose at someone with all these branches in your way. All my life I was told I was special. I have a hundred participation trophies that I got as a kid from everything from spelling bees to Little League. I didn't even have to be any good. They told me I just had to show up, but one time I didn't want to go so I stayed home, and I still got one for just 'being me.' If you tried to judge me, I would judge you right back for being judgemental. But all that changed when a sapling began to grow in my eye. All of a sudden, I couldn't judge anybody anymore, not even if they had a splinter in their own eye. What was I supposed to do?"

So after numerous meetings with ophthalmologists, botanists, a logger, and his local pastor, John finally underwent an experimental surgery to have the tree removed. After getting clearance and permits from the appropriate environmental agencies, work was begun. 

A horned owl was discovered needing in the branches, and after careful study, was diagnosed with Avian trichomonosis, caused by the rare flagellated protozoan parasite Trichomonas gallinaea. The horned owl was carefully removed, treated under the care of a veterinarian, and then was eventually transported and rehomed into the Redwood State Park in Northern California.

With no other endangered species discovered in the tree, the process of removal finally began. The Redwood was skilfully removed from his eye where it had rooted. Immediately afterwards it was cut into logs, which were trimmed further into planks and donated to a church expansion project. All remaining twigs  splinters, specks, and other small remnants of wood were quickly pointed out and disposed of.

Shortly after the surgery, John Smith had already been accused of becoming a bigot and garnered a reputation as a "phobe" of several varieties as a response to his newfound judgemental behavior. He responded with the following statement: "Now that I'm free to judge, I'm making up for lost time, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon. Don't be so intolerant of my intolerance, you hypocrite snowflakes. I'm simply better than you, and we both know it." He plans to go to law school, and already has his sights set on the Supreme Court, where he wants to start by determining what a woman is. 

Tags: #calvinistchronicle #Reformed #reformedtheology #dutchreformed #reformedchurch #Presbyterian #presbyterianism #reformedbaptist #Baptist #particularbaptist #sovereigngrace #lutheran #lutheranism #christian #christianity #calvinism #calvinist #Arminius #arminian #pelagius #pelagian #servetus #freewill #theism #theistic #atheistic #agnostic #heresy #heretic #heretical #jesus #jesuschrist #God #holyspirit #gospel #faith #church #bible #scripture #salvation #truth #grace #theologymatters #fivesolas #fivesolasofthereformation #solascriptura #soluschristus #solafide #solagratia #solideogloria #faithalone #scripturealone #christalone #gracealone #gloryofgodalone #fivepoints #fivepointsofcalvinism #tulip #totaldepravity #unconditionalelection #limitedatonement #irresistiblegrace #perseveranceofthesaints #martinluther #johncalvin #rcsproul #johnmacarthur #charlesspurgeon #paulwasher #satire #christiansatire #reformedsatire #baptistsatire #solasatura 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Martin Luther’s Surprising Opening at the Diet of Worms: “I Grew Up In A Middle Class Family”

What He Could Be (Protestant), Unburdened By What Has Been (Rome) Worms, 1521 – Newly uncovered manuscripts reveal that Martin Luther's famous speech at the Diet of Worms began with an unexpected twist: "Let me start by saying that I grew up in a middle-class family." Luther's opening left the audience puzzled but intrigued. He quickly transitioned to his main argument, maintaining the fiery rhetoric we know today. "Here I stand, I can do no other," he declared, seamlessly blending his personal story with his defiance against the Church. Historians now see Luther's relatable approach as a clever tactic to connect with the common people. "By sharing his humble beginnings, Luther made his revolutionary ideas more accessible," said Dr. Hans Wurst, a Reformation scholar. As we commemorate the Diet of Worms, let's remember Luther not just as a reformer, but as a middle-class hero who knew how to captivate a crowd.
Post a Comment
Read more

Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice  In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...
Post a Comment
Read more

Satanists Boycott Halloween, Claim It's a Christian Holiday

Satanists Say No to Halloween, Yes to Satan: How a Religious Minority Is Challenging the Status Quo A group of satanists has announced that they will not be celebrating Halloween this year, citing religious reasons. The group, which calls itself the Church of Satan, said that Halloween is actually a Christian holiday that has been corrupted by commercialism and paganism. "Halloween is derived from All Hallows' Eve, the eve of the Christian feast of All Saints' Day," said a spokesperson for the Church of Satan. "It is a time when Christians honor their dead and pray for their souls. We, as satanists, do not believe in such superstitions and do not want to participate in this mockery of our faith." The spokesperson added that Halloween also promotes witchcraft, ghosts, vampires, zombies, and other supernatural creatures that have nothing to do with satanism. "We are not interested in dressing up as fictional characters or begging for candy from strangers....
Post a Comment
Read more