Redwood Surgery Frees Man From Hypocrisy

A man who recently had a log surgically removed from his eye is now free to judge others un-hypocritically.

For years, a man named John Smith suffered from an unlikely condition: a tree growing from his eye. And not just any tree, but a Redwood tree normally seen in the forests of northern California. 

This unusual condition was initially confused with Epidermodysplasia verruciformis, the condition of bark-like skin lesions on the skin, but it was later confirmed to be an actual sapling the Sequoioideae family growing from John's eye. But it didn't say a sapling for long, and in the unique environmentof John's eye it quickly matured into a large tree. As John proudly stated: "...It was a big ol' honkin' redwood. It wasn't really bad at first, but after a while it became really unbearable. I was carrying around this tremendous weight, and it after a while, it became unbearably heavy. But the worst part was, I couldn't even judge anybody. It's pretty hard to look down your nose at someone with all these branches in your way. All my life I was told I was special. I have a hundred participation trophies that I got as a kid from everything from spelling bees to Little League. I didn't even have to be any good. They told me I just had to show up, but one time I didn't want to go so I stayed home, and I still got one for just 'being me.' If you tried to judge me, I would judge you right back for being judgemental. But all that changed when a sapling began to grow in my eye. All of a sudden, I couldn't judge anybody anymore, not even if they had a splinter in their own eye. What was I supposed to do?"

So after numerous meetings with ophthalmologists, botanists, a logger, and his local pastor, John finally underwent an experimental surgery to have the tree removed. After getting clearance and permits from the appropriate environmental agencies, work was begun. 

A horned owl was discovered needing in the branches, and after careful study, was diagnosed with Avian trichomonosis, caused by the rare flagellated protozoan parasite Trichomonas gallinaea. The horned owl was carefully removed, treated under the care of a veterinarian, and then was eventually transported and rehomed into the Redwood State Park in Northern California.

With no other endangered species discovered in the tree, the process of removal finally began. The Redwood was skilfully removed from his eye where it had rooted. Immediately afterwards it was cut into logs, which were trimmed further into planks and donated to a church expansion project. All remaining twigs  splinters, specks, and other small remnants of wood were quickly pointed out and disposed of.

Shortly after the surgery, John Smith had already been accused of becoming a bigot and garnered a reputation as a "phobe" of several varieties as a response to his newfound judgemental behavior. He responded with the following statement: "Now that I'm free to judge, I'm making up for lost time, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon. Don't be so intolerant of my intolerance, you hypocrite snowflakes. I'm simply better than you, and we both know it." He plans to go to law school, and already has his sights set on the Supreme Court, where he wants to start by determining what a woman is. 

Tags: #calvinistchronicle #Reformed #reformedtheology #dutchreformed #reformedchurch #Presbyterian #presbyterianism #reformedbaptist #Baptist #particularbaptist #sovereigngrace #lutheran #lutheranism #christian #christianity #calvinism #calvinist #Arminius #arminian #pelagius #pelagian #servetus #freewill #theism #theistic #atheistic #agnostic #heresy #heretic #heretical #jesus #jesuschrist #God #holyspirit #gospel #faith #church #bible #scripture #salvation #truth #grace #theologymatters #fivesolas #fivesolasofthereformation #solascriptura #soluschristus #solafide #solagratia #solideogloria #faithalone #scripturealone #christalone #gracealone #gloryofgodalone #fivepoints #fivepointsofcalvinism #tulip #totaldepravity #unconditionalelection #limitedatonement #irresistiblegrace #perseveranceofthesaints #martinluther #johncalvin #rcsproul #johnmacarthur #charlesspurgeon #paulwasher #satire #christiansatire #reformedsatire #baptistsatire #solasatura