Skip to main content

Redwood Surgery Frees Man From Hypocrisy

A man who recently had a log surgically removed from his eye is now free to judge others un-hypocritically.


For years, a man named John Smith suffered from an unlikely condition: a tree growing from his eye. And not just any tree, but a Redwood tree normally seen in the forests of northern California. 

This unusual condition was initially confused with Epidermodysplasia verruciformis, the condition of bark-like skin lesions on the skin, but it was later confirmed to be an actual sapling the Sequoioideae family growing from John's eye. But it didn't say a sapling for long, and in the unique environmentof John's eye it quickly matured into a large tree. As John proudly stated: "...It was a big ol' honkin' redwood. It wasn't really bad at first, but after a while it became really unbearable. I was carrying around this tremendous weight, and it after a while, it became unbearably heavy. But the worst part was, I couldn't even judge anybody. It's pretty hard to look down your nose at someone with all these branches in your way. All my life I was told I was special. I have a hundred participation trophies that I got as a kid from everything from spelling bees to Little League. I didn't even have to be any good. They told me I just had to show up, but one time I didn't want to go so I stayed home, and I still got one for just 'being me.' If you tried to judge me, I would judge you right back for being judgemental. But all that changed when a sapling began to grow in my eye. All of a sudden, I couldn't judge anybody anymore, not even if they had a splinter in their own eye. What was I supposed to do?"

So after numerous meetings with ophthalmologists, botanists, a logger, and his local pastor, John finally underwent an experimental surgery to have the tree removed. After getting clearance and permits from the appropriate environmental agencies, work was begun. 

A horned owl was discovered needing in the branches, and after careful study, was diagnosed with Avian trichomonosis, caused by the rare flagellated protozoan parasite Trichomonas gallinaea. The horned owl was carefully removed, treated under the care of a veterinarian, and then was eventually transported and rehomed into the Redwood State Park in Northern California.

With no other endangered species discovered in the tree, the process of removal finally began. The Redwood was skilfully removed from his eye where it had rooted. Immediately afterwards it was cut into logs, which were trimmed further into planks and donated to a church expansion project. All remaining twigs  splinters, specks, and other small remnants of wood were quickly pointed out and disposed of.

Shortly after the surgery, John Smith had already been accused of becoming a bigot and garnered a reputation as a "phobe" of several varieties as a response to his newfound judgemental behavior. He responded with the following statement: "Now that I'm free to judge, I'm making up for lost time, and I don't plan to stop anytime soon. Don't be so intolerant of my intolerance, you hypocrite snowflakes. I'm simply better than you, and we both know it." He plans to go to law school, and already has his sights set on the Supreme Court, where he wants to start by determining what a woman is. 

Tags: #calvinistchronicle #Reformed #reformedtheology #dutchreformed #reformedchurch #Presbyterian #presbyterianism #reformedbaptist #Baptist #particularbaptist #sovereigngrace #lutheran #lutheranism #christian #christianity #calvinism #calvinist #Arminius #arminian #pelagius #pelagian #servetus #freewill #theism #theistic #atheistic #agnostic #heresy #heretic #heretical #jesus #jesuschrist #God #holyspirit #gospel #faith #church #bible #scripture #salvation #truth #grace #theologymatters #fivesolas #fivesolasofthereformation #solascriptura #soluschristus #solafide #solagratia #solideogloria #faithalone #scripturealone #christalone #gracealone #gloryofgodalone #fivepoints #fivepointsofcalvinism #tulip #totaldepravity #unconditionalelection #limitedatonement #irresistiblegrace #perseveranceofthesaints #martinluther #johncalvin #rcsproul #johnmacarthur #charlesspurgeon #paulwasher #satire #christiansatire #reformedsatire #baptistsatire #solasatura 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dave Ramsey Flags Reformation Heritage Books as “Spiritual Treasure, Budgetary Trap”

Financial guru says the Puritans are great, but maxing out your credit card for a 12‑volume set on covenant theology is not a “baby step.” NASHVILLE — Personal finance icon Dave Ramsey has reportedly issued a pointed caution to Christians everywhere: Reformation Heritage Books is a spiritual danger to your budget, and one careless click on “Complete Works of John Owen” could slide you straight back into the “debt spiral” he has spent decades trying to prevent. According to sources familiar with the matter, the warning came during a segment on “biblically responsible spending,” when a caller asked whether it was wise to purchase a multi‑volume set of Reformed classics on a credit card. “Look,” Ramsey reportedly replied, “I love the Puritans. I love deep theology. I do not love you going into debt for a book you will read six pages of before you fall asleep.” Ramsey’s team is said to have flagged Reformation Heritage Books not because the content is bad, but because the catalog is long, ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Father Warns Children Against Skillet’s ‘Monster,’ Accidentally Explains Doctrine Of Indwelling Sin

Teenager says he understood the song better after dad’s 40-minute lecture against listening to it. OAKDALE, USA — Local Christian parents Mark and Sarah Wilkins banned Skillet’s song “Monster” from the family car this week after learning that the track’s central theme involves the believer’s struggle against sin and the old self. “I had assumed it was merely loud,” Mark Wilkins said. “But then someone told me it is about the inner battle against the sinful nature. That is far too intense for our children.” Skillet is a Christian rock band, and frontman John Cooper has recently argued that hard-rock music is not inherently demonic simply because of its genre or sound.  The Wilkinses said this was exactly the sort of distinction they preferred not to make. “Scripture may talk about putting sin to death, resisting temptation, and waging spiritual war,” Mark said. “But it does not use electric guitars, so we feel safer if those ideas are communicated only through a gentle acoustic song...
Post a Comment
Read more

Church Sound Tech Gets Doom Running On Sanctuary Soundboard

Volunteer says the game is fully contained on the mixer’s tiny touchscreen and has not affected worship, apart from the pastor’s microphone now occasionally displaying “God Mode.” CEDAR GROVE, USA — A Reformed church’s sound technician briefly became the most popular member of the media team Sunday after successfully getting the original Doom to run on the sanctuary’s digital soundboard. The game remained entirely on the console’s maintenance screen, church leaders confirmed, and no imagery or game audio was played through the sanctuary speakers. The soundboard still delivered the sermon, psalms, Scripture reading, and announcements normally—provided nobody pressed the newly labeled button marked DO NOT ENABLE GOD MODE DURING CALL TO WORSHIP. Doom, released by id Software in 1993, became both a landmark first-person shooter and a longstanding target for technical hobbyists who enjoy making it run on improbable hardware.  Digital audio mixers are also common in worship settings, whe...
Post a Comment
Read more