Reformed Church hires new Cat Herding Director, Cats Not Amused

Cat Herding Director Aims to Unite Strays into One Happy Litter Despite Feral Complaints

The Catnip Christian Reformed Church has announced the hiring of a new Cat Herding Director, a position that has been vacant for over a year. The new director, Ms. Tabitha Whiskers, is a certified cat behaviorist and a former circus trainer. She will be responsible for overseeing the church's cat program, which houses over 100 cats of various breeds and personalities.

The church's cat program was established in 2010 as a way of recognizing the divine calling of cats and providing a safe haven for them to learn. The sanctuary also serves as a source of inspiration and comfort for the church's congregation, who believe that baby kittens are just as much a part of the covenant household as their parents.

However, not everyone is happy with the new appointment. The cats themselves have expressed their displeasure with the new director, who has introduced a strict regimen of grooming, feeding, and exercise for the furry residents. Some of the more feral cats have even staged several protests, including scratching furniture, knocking over plants, and hiding under beds.

Ms. Whiskers says that she is not deterred by the cats' resistance and that she is confident that she can win them over with time and patience. She says that her goal is to improve the cats' health and happiness, as well as to prepare them to be valuable members of the church.

"I love cats and I respect their individuality and independence," Ms. Whiskers said. "But I also believe that they need some guidance and discipline to thrive in this world. I'm here to help them become the best versions of themselves."

The church's pastor, Reverend Fluffy Paws, says that he supports Ms. Whiskers and her methods, and that he hopes that the cats will eventually accept her as their leader.

"Cats are wonderful creatures, but they can also be stubborn and rebellious," Reverend Paws said. "They need someone who can understand them and challenge them. I think Ms. Whiskers is the perfect person for the job."

The cats, however, remain unconvinced.

"Meow," one cat said.

Comments

Border Patrol Sends Steven Anderson to Armenia Over Misunderstanding

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson...

Pastor Jane's Inappropriate Relationships Spark Cheers of 'Yaaaaasss Queen' Amidst Ecclesiastical Double Standards

Breaking the Stained-Glass Ceiling: Pastor Jane's Scandalous Path to Feminist Icon Status In a groundbreaking moment for ecclesiastical equality, Pastor Jane Doe has become a beacon of feminist empowerment after being caught in a series of inappropriate relationships with male congregants. Her actions have sparked a wave of support, with many hailing her as a "Yaaaaasss Queen" for shattering the stained-glass ceiling. While male pastors have historically faced defrocking for similar indiscretions, Pastor Jane's case has been celebrated as a triumph of modern feminism. "Why should men have all the fun?" quipped one supporter, highlighting the double standards that have long plagued religious institutions. Critics, however, point to biblical texts that traditionally restrict the role of pastor to men and suggest women should remain silent in church. Yet, Pastor Jane's followers argue that these interpretations are outdated and patriarchal. "If she can...

Once Judeo-Christian Nation Watches Debate To Determine Which Immoral Reprobate Best Qualified to Lead

Nation’s Moral Compass Goes Haywire, Formally Resigns Following Debate Philadelphia - In a spectacle that could only be described as a divine comedy, the nation once hailed as a "Judeo-Christian" nation gathered to watch the presidential debate, eager to determine which immoral reprobate would best lead them forward. The candidates, both seasoned in the art of moral ambiguity, took the stage with the confidence of televangelists at a Sunday sermon. As the candidates took the stage, the audience was treated to a spectacle reminiscent of a reality show, complete with mudslinging and moral gymnastics that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush. One candidate, known for his "alternative facts," argued passionately that he had the best rallies in the history of political rallies, while another claimed to be “unburdened by the past” [but still current] administration’s numerous international scandals and blunders, promising that to fix everything she h...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog