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Cage-Stage Calvinist visits Hawaii, triggers Tropical Storm Calvin

Was This Perfect Storm Unexpected or Predestined?

Image Courtesy: CNN Weather



HONOLULU, HI - A Cage-Stage Calvinist from California has been blamed for triggering Tropical Storm Calvin, which is threatening to bring heavy rain, strong winds, dangerous surf, and controversial soteriology to the Hawaiian islands.


The Cage-Stage Calvinist, who wished to remain anonymous, said he was visiting Hawaii for a vacation with his family, but he couldn't resist the urge to share his newfound passion for the doctrines of grace with everyone he met.


"I just wanted to spread the good news of God's sovereign grace and unconditional election," he said. "I thought people would be receptive to the truth of TULIP, especially in such a beautiful place that clearly displays God's glory."


However, his zeal soon turned into a nuisance, as he started to argue with locals, tourists and even his own family members about predestination, limited atonement and irresistible grace. He also criticized the churches he visited for being too Arminian, too charismatic or too liberal.


"I was just trying to correct their errors and point them to the Scriptures," he said. "But they were so stubborn and resistant to the truth. They accused me of being arrogant, divisive and unloving. They told me to relax and enjoy the island. But how can I relax when so many people are on the road to hell?"


His relentless proselytizing apparently angered not only people, but also nature itself, as a tropical depression formed near the island of Hawaii and quickly intensified into a tropical storm. The storm was named Calvin by the National Hurricane Center, after the 16th-century theologian John Calvin, who is widely regarded as the father of Calvinism.


Meteorologists said they were baffled by the sudden development of the storm, which was not predicted by any of the models.


"It's very unusual for a tropical cyclone to form in this area at this time of the year," said Robert Bohlin, a meteorologist at the Central Pacific Hurricane Center in Hawaii¹. "We don't have a clear explanation for what caused it, but we suspect it may have something to do with the Cage-Stage Calvinist's presence on the island."


Bohlin said that the Cage-Stage Calvinist may have unwittingly created a disturbance in the atmosphere with his heated arguments and harsh words.


"He may have generated some negative energy that disrupted the balance of nature and triggered a chain reaction that resulted in the formation of the storm," Bohlin said. "It's like he provoked God's wrath with his self-righteous attitude and lack of love."


Bohlin said that the storm could also be seen as a sign of God's sovereignty and judgment over Hawaii.


"Maybe God is using this storm to teach us a lesson about his power and justice," Bohlin said. "Maybe he is sending us a message that we need to repent of our sins and embrace his grace."


The Cage-Stage Calvinist said he was unaware of his role in causing the storm, but he was not surprised by it.


"I don't believe in coincidences," he said. "I believe that everything happens according to God's eternal decree. If God ordained this storm to happen, then it must be for his glory and our good."


He said he was not afraid of the storm, but rather saw it as an opportunity to witness to more people.


"I'm not worried about the storm," he said. "I'm more concerned about the souls of those who are perishing without Christ. I'm going to use this time to share the gospel with as many people as I can, whether they like it or not."


He also said he was praying for God's mercy and grace on Hawaii.


"I hope that God will spare this island from destruction and bring many people to salvation through this storm," he said. "I hope that he will use this storm to awaken people to their need for Christ and his sovereign grace."


He added that he was also praying for God to open their eyes to see the beauty of Calvinism.


"I hope that they will see that Calvinism is not a cold and harsh doctrine, but a warm and comforting one," he said. "I hope that they will see that Calvinism is not a cage, but a paradise."


Updated storm reports mentioned that though several government buildings and places of worship were impacted by the strong winds and rain, local Presbyterian and Reformed Baptist churches remained miraculously unaffected.

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