Coldplay Concert Breaks Out Into Altar Call

Concert Attendees Drop to Their Knees in Spontaneous Worship

Photo: Anna Lee Media

Seattle, WA - Concert-goers got more than they were expecting when, in the midst of a set, a Coldplay Concert suddenly broke out into an impromptu altar call.

Halfway into their hot single "My Universe" featuring K-Pop group BTS, a large crowd began to form at the base of the stage. Surprisingly, one by one each person dropped to their knees, arms outstretched, loudly proclaiming their need for Chris Martin and then prayed the lyrics to "Hymn for the Weekend" with one another to accept Coldplay into their hearts.

One attendee we interviewed who called herself Jenna told us, "... It was such an emotional moment. I was such a skeptic before, and I didn't even really think that Coldplay was a real band, and if it was, I didn't really care, anyway. The world is so big, so why should Coldplay care about me? But once I heard that chorus, I realized that it didn't matter how big their fan base was, I knew that I could be their universe and have a personal relationship with them."

Jenna went on to share her newfound enthusiasm as a "Coldplayer," the title adopted by new followers. She continued on, saying, "I totally plan on coming back every week and becoming a member of their fan club! Well... actually I have to work, and the next week I have other plans, but Chris Martin totally changed my life and I'm a new person! You can still be a Coldplay fan without going every week, right?"

Another person remarked, "This was just like a Sunday service I went to with a friend at that Crucible Chantry place down the street, but without some crazy story about people getting beamed up and Apache helicopters and zombies! The lights and fog machines are way better here too."

Coldplay’s spokesperson denied any allegations of proselytism, saying that the band’s intention was to “create a positive and memorable experience for their fans”. “Coldplay is not a religious band, nor are they affiliated with any church or denomination. They are simply expressing their artistic vision and sharing their message of hope and peace with the world. Any resemblance to an altar call is purely coincidental and unintentional.”

The spokesperson also added that the band respects the beliefs and opinions of all their fans, regardless of their faith or background. “Coldplay welcomes everyone to their concerts, and they hope that everyone can enjoy their music and have fun. They do not judge anyone or force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. They just want to spread some love and joy in these troubled times.”

Comments

Border Patrol Sends Steven Anderson to Armenia Over Misunderstanding

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson...

Pastor Jane's Inappropriate Relationships Spark Cheers of 'Yaaaaasss Queen' Amidst Ecclesiastical Double Standards

Breaking the Stained-Glass Ceiling: Pastor Jane's Scandalous Path to Feminist Icon Status In a groundbreaking moment for ecclesiastical equality, Pastor Jane Doe has become a beacon of feminist empowerment after being caught in a series of inappropriate relationships with male congregants. Her actions have sparked a wave of support, with many hailing her as a "Yaaaaasss Queen" for shattering the stained-glass ceiling. While male pastors have historically faced defrocking for similar indiscretions, Pastor Jane's case has been celebrated as a triumph of modern feminism. "Why should men have all the fun?" quipped one supporter, highlighting the double standards that have long plagued religious institutions. Critics, however, point to biblical texts that traditionally restrict the role of pastor to men and suggest women should remain silent in church. Yet, Pastor Jane's followers argue that these interpretations are outdated and patriarchal. "If she can...

Once Judeo-Christian Nation Watches Debate To Determine Which Immoral Reprobate Best Qualified to Lead

Nation’s Moral Compass Goes Haywire, Formally Resigns Following Debate Philadelphia - In a spectacle that could only be described as a divine comedy, the nation once hailed as a "Judeo-Christian" nation gathered to watch the presidential debate, eager to determine which immoral reprobate would best lead them forward. The candidates, both seasoned in the art of moral ambiguity, took the stage with the confidence of televangelists at a Sunday sermon. As the candidates took the stage, the audience was treated to a spectacle reminiscent of a reality show, complete with mudslinging and moral gymnastics that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush. One candidate, known for his "alternative facts," argued passionately that he had the best rallies in the history of political rallies, while another claimed to be “unburdened by the past” [but still current] administration’s numerous international scandals and blunders, promising that to fix everything she h...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog