Trending: Millstone Neckware

Millstone Necklace Sales On the Rise!

As progressives and the gender fluid increasingly target the younger generations in an effort to evangelize and militarize the youth to their cause, an two unlikely markets have begun to converge under the latest trend: Fashion, and the Millstone industry.

What's particularly interesting is that millstones, historically used to break down grains into fine powder commonly used for baking and oatmeal products, have found an unique niche among the fashion trends of the elite, particularly in Hollywood and exclusive political circles. Demand has skyrocketed, with these classic designs of yester-year's industry being attached to sturdy chains and worn around the neck, reminiscent of the full-sized clocks often worn by 1980's rappers Run DMC. However, these next millstones are not combined with urban track suits, but swim attire.

When asked about the recent trend, one such wearer, obviously struggling to stand up with the weight around his neck, stated: "The Bible says if you cause a child to stumble, it's better to wear one of these around your neck and throw yourself in the ocean. What better way to celebrate the successful indoctrination of innocent children than flaunting Biblical judgment? I mean, the rainbow was already taken and played out, and besides, this seemed like a great fashion accessory. And who doesn't like a good swim after a pizza party in a secret New York basement? Oh, and with that new movie 'Sound of Freedom' out, all the elites are sure to start wearing these, but I started doing it before it was !"

At the time of writing, it had not been determined how easy or possible it would be to swim with such heavy decor around your neck. Furthermore, we do not endorse such activity without the approval of a licensed physician.

Comments

Dave Ramsey Flags Reformation Heritage Books as “Spiritual Treasure, Budgetary Trap”

Financial guru says the Puritans are great, but maxing out your credit card for a 12‑volume set on covenant theology is not a “baby step.” NASHVILLE — Personal finance icon Dave Ramsey has reportedly issued a pointed caution to Christians everywhere: Reformation Heritage Books is a spiritual danger to your budget, and one careless click on “Complete Works of John Owen” could slide you straight back into the “debt spiral” he has spent decades trying to prevent. According to sources familiar with the matter, the warning came during a segment on “biblically responsible spending,” when a caller asked whether it was wise to purchase a multi‑volume set of Reformed classics on a credit card. “Look,” Ramsey reportedly replied, “I love the Puritans. I love deep theology. I do not love you going into debt for a book you will read six pages of before you fall asleep.” Ramsey’s team is said to have flagged Reformation Heritage Books not because the content is bad, but because the catalog is long, ...

Father Warns Children Against Skillet’s ‘Monster,’ Accidentally Explains Doctrine Of Indwelling Sin

Teenager says he understood the song better after dad’s 40-minute lecture against listening to it. OAKDALE, USA — Local Christian parents Mark and Sarah Wilkins banned Skillet’s song “Monster” from the family car this week after learning that the track’s central theme involves the believer’s struggle against sin and the old self. “I had assumed it was merely loud,” Mark Wilkins said. “But then someone told me it is about the inner battle against the sinful nature. That is far too intense for our children.” Skillet is a Christian rock band, and frontman John Cooper has recently argued that hard-rock music is not inherently demonic simply because of its genre or sound. The Wilkinses said this was exactly the sort of distinction they preferred not to make. “Scripture may talk about putting sin to death, resisting temptation, and waging spiritual war,” Mark said. “But it does not use electric guitars, so we feel safer if those ideas are communicated only through a gentle acoustic song...

Church Sound Tech Gets Doom Running On Sanctuary Soundboard

Volunteer says the game is fully contained on the mixer’s tiny touchscreen and has not affected worship, apart from the pastor’s microphone now occasionally displaying “God Mode.” CEDAR GROVE, USA — A Reformed church’s sound technician briefly became the most popular member of the media team Sunday after successfully getting the original Doom to run on the sanctuary’s digital soundboard. The game remained entirely on the console’s maintenance screen, church leaders confirmed, and no imagery or game audio was played through the sanctuary speakers. The soundboard still delivered the sermon, psalms, Scripture reading, and announcements normally—provided nobody pressed the newly labeled button marked DO NOT ENABLE GOD MODE DURING CALL TO WORSHIP. Doom, released by id Software in 1993, became both a landmark first-person shooter and a longstanding target for technical hobbyists who enjoy making it run on improbable hardware. Digital audio mixers are also common in worship settings, whe...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog