Bible App User Looks Down On Technological Illiterates Using Printed Bibles

“You Might As Well Be Using Scrolls,” Says Man Who Only Scrolls Digitally

Modern-Day Miracle: A Bible App

RIVERSIDE, CA - A local man who uses the Bible app on his phone has been looking down on the "technological illiterates" who still use printed Bibles, sources confirmed.

The man, who identified himself as John Smith, said he prefers the convenience and efficiency of reading the Bible on his smartphone, rather than carrying around a bulky and outdated book.

"I don't understand why people still use printed Bibles in this day and age," Smith said. "They are so heavy, slow, and hard to navigate. You have to flip through pages, look up verses in the index, and deal with ink smudges and torn pages. It's like they are living in the Dark Ages. Just because the authors were nomadic shepherds doesn’t mean you have to read like one."

Smith said he enjoys the benefits of using the Bible app, such as having access to multiple translations, commentaries, dictionaries, and cross-references at his fingertips. He also said he likes to highlight, bookmark, and share verses on social media with ease.

"I can read the Bible anytime, anywhere, on any device," Smith said. "I can switch between versions, compare notes, and search for keywords in seconds. I can also customize the font size, color, and background to suit my preferences. The Bible app is clearly superior to printed Bibles in every way."

Smith said he often feels sorry for the people who use printed Bibles, especially when he sees them struggling to find a passage or carrying a heavy stack of books.

"They are missing out on so much," Smith said. "They are wasting time and energy that could be spent on more productive things. They are also exposing themselves to germs and dust that could harm their health. They should really upgrade to the Bible app and join the 21st century."

Smith said he hopes that one day, everyone will use the Bible app and realize how much better it is than printed Bibles.

"Maybe then they will stop being so ignorant and backward," Smith said. "Maybe then they will appreciate the wonders of technology and the beauty of God's word."

Comments

Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...

Men Named "David" More Likely to Suffer Identity Crisis

Matt Chandler, the lead pastor of Southern Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas, has shot to the evangelical spotlight in after preaching a sermon in which he proclaims that "You're not David!" to an unsuspecting captive audience. In doing so, however, he inadvertently caused a mass identity crisis among an unlikely, oddly-specific demographic: people who actually are named "David." One person, who commented on the condition of anonymity, said: "I've been called David my whole life. Now that I've been told I'm not David, I don't even know who I am anymore. I've started going by my middle name, but nobody's ever called me "Matthew" before and it's really taking some getting used to. My children look at me like I'm a stranger. My wife says she feels like she's sleeping with another man. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I'm having an identity crisis. What do I do? We reached out to a local counselor for ...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog