Calvinheimer: The Movie That Nuked Free Will

Comic Strip from Calvin & Hobbes by Bill Watterson

Boom.

If you thought that the debate between Calvinism and Arminianism was over, think again. A new movie, titled Calvinheimer, has reignited the controversy with a bang. The film, directed by John Piper and starring John MacArthur as John Calvin, is a fictionalized account of how Calvin dropped a metaphorical bomb on free will theism and made Jacobus Arminius surrender.

The movie begins with Calvin's discovery of a secret weapon: the doctrine of predestination. He decides to use it to destroy the Arminian heresy, which he believes is threatening the glory of God and the salvation of the elect. He recruits a team of loyal followers, including Martin Luther, Jonathan Edwards, and Charles Spurgeon, to help him carry out his mission.

Meanwhile, Arminius, played by Joel Osteen, is busy spreading his message of universal atonement, resistible grace, and conditional election. He believes that God loves everyone and wants them to be saved by their own free choice. He has many supporters, including Erasmus, Wesley, and Finney, who praise him for his humanistic and optimistic theology.

The climax of the movie comes when Calvin launches his attack on Arminius' headquarters in Amsterdam. He delivers a fiery sermon on Romans 9, in which he declares that God has mercy on whom he wills and hardens whom he wills, and that no one can resist his sovereign will. He then unleashes his secret weapon: a giant bomb shaped like a tulip, which represents the five points of Calvinism. The bomb explodes with a loud sound of "Soli Deo Gloria", and covers the city with a cloud of smoke.

When the smoke clears, Arminius is seen lying on the ground, surrounded by the debris of his books and papers. He realizes that he has been defeated, and that his theology has been exposed as false and futile. He cries out for mercy, but Calvin shows no pity. He walks up to him and says: "You have been predestined to this fate. You have no free will. You are totally depraved. You cannot resist my grace. You are not part of the elect. You are doomed to hell." He then forces him to sign a document of surrender, in which he renounces his beliefs and confesses that Calvin is right.

The movie ends with Calvin celebrating his victory with his team. They sing praises to God for his sovereign grace and justice, and thank him for choosing them before the foundation of the world. They also mock Arminius and his followers for their foolishness and arrogance, and warn them of the wrath to come.

The movie has received mixed reviews from critics and audiences. Some have praised it for its boldness and creativity, and for its faithful representation of Calvin's theology. Others have criticized it for its distortion and caricature of Arminius' theology, and for its lack of nuance and balance. Some have also questioned its historical accuracy and relevance, and its use of violence and intimidation.

The movie has also sparked a heated debate among Christians of different denominations and traditions. Some have embraced it as a powerful defense of the biblical doctrine of salvation by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone. Others have rejected it as a dangerous attack on the biblical doctrine of human responsibility and God's love for all people. Some have also called for dialogue and reconciliation between the two sides, and for mutual respect and understanding.

Whether you love it or hate it, Calvinheimer is a movie that you cannot ignore. It is a movie that challenges you to think about your own beliefs and convictions, and to examine them in light of Scripture and reason. It is a movie that forces you to choose a side: are you a Calvinist or an Arminian? And what are the implications of your choice?