Christian Man Claims He Doesn’t Need to go to Church

Man Claims He and God “Are Cool” and “Have an Understanding”

Bob was a Christian, but he hated going to church. He thought it was boring, tedious, and hypocritical. He preferred to stay at home on Sundays, watch TV, play video games, and order pizza. He didn't care about the sermons, the prayers, the hymns, or the rituals. He believed that he and God were "good", and that he didn't need to do anything else to please Him.

One Sunday morning, Bob's mother called him and asked him why he never went to church. She said that it was important to worship God, to fellowship with other believers, and to grow in faith. She said that God was not happy with Bob's lifestyle, and that he needed to repent and change his ways. She invited him to go to church with the rest of the family.

Bob rolled his eyes and said, "Mom, don't worry about me. I'm fine. God and I are good. We have a special relationship. He knows my heart. He knows that I love Him. He doesn't care if I go to church or not. He understands me. He's cool with me."

Bob's mother was shocked and appalled by Bob's words. She said, "Bob, you are deluding yourself. You are not good with God. You are disobeying His commands. You are neglecting His word. You are ignoring His voice. You are spurning His grace. You are living in sin. You are in danger of hell. You need to repent and turn back to God before it's too late."

Bob sighed and said, "Mom, you're being too dramatic. Relax. God is not like that. He's not angry with me. He's not judging me. He's not punishing me. He's not threatening me. He's loving me. He's forgiving me. He's blessing me. He's protecting me. He's smiling at me."

Bob's mother was speechless and saddened by Bob's words. She said, "Bob, I love you, but you are wrong. You are deceiving yourself. You are not following the true God. You are following a false god of your own imagination. You are making God in your own image. You are twisting God to suit your own desires. You are rejecting the real God who revealed Himself in the Bible and in Jesus Christ."

Bob laughed and said, "Mom, you're being too narrow-minded. Open your eyes. God is bigger than the Bible and Jesus Christ. God is everywhere and in everything. God is whatever you want Him to be. God is whatever makes you happy. God is whatever works for you."

Bob hung up the phone and turned on the TV.

He saw a breaking news report.

A massive earthquake had struck his city.

His house collapsed shortly after.

He died.

He should have gone to church.

The end.

Comments

Baptists Cancel Outdoor Service Due to Rain Threat

Baptists Cancel Outdoor Service Due to Rain Threat A local Baptist church has decided to cancel its planned outdoor service this Sunday due to the forecast of rain. The pastor of the church, Rev. Joe Jones, said that he did not want to risk exposing his congregation to the wet weather, which could have dire consequences for their spiritual health. "We believe that baptism is a personal decision that should only be made by those who have professed their faith in Jesus Christ," Jones said. "We do not practice infant baptism, unlike our Presbyterian neighbors, who sprinkle water on their babies as a sign of the covenant." Jones explained that he feared that if his church members got wet from the rain, they might inadvertently become Presbyterians, which would be a tragedy for their souls. "Presbyterians believe in predestination, which means that God has already determined who will be saved and who will be damned," Jones said. "They also have a hierarchy...

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...

To Protect Last Political Allies from Trump, Biden Pardons Pilate, the Sanhedrin

Critics Say Presidential Clemency 2,000 Years Too Late In a shocking twist of historical revisionism, President Biden has issued a last-minute presidential pardon for Pontius Pilate and the Sanhedrin, effectively settling a 2,000-year-old legal dispute. The unprecedented move comes as Biden clears his presidential desk, seemingly determined to resolve theological legal matters that have been pending since the first century. "Sometimes, you've got to wash your hands of ancient history—literally," Biden reportedly quipped, making a clear reference to Pilate's infamous hand-washing gesture. The pardon documents hilariously cite "administrative oversight" and "bureaucratic complications" as primary reasons for the belated legal clemency. Religious scholars and historians are bewildered, with one anonymous theologian remarking, "Well, that's one way to end a presidency—by retroactively solving a crucifixion controversy." The White House pr...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog