Skip to main content

1000-Year-Old Mummified Alien Remains Found Clutching Augustinian Teachings on the Will

Free-Will Theists Shocked, Reformed Believers Pleased, the Vatican Silent


In a shocking discovery, archaeologists have unearthed the remains of a 1000-year-old mummified alien in a remote cave in Peru. The alien, which has a humanoid appearance but with four arms and two heads, was found clutching a copy of Augustinian writingson the free choice of the will, a theological treatise that argues for the doctrine of predestination and the total depravity of human nature.

The find has sparked a heated debate among religious scholars and conspiracy theorists, who have different interpretations of the alien's identity and motives. Some believe that the alien was a devout follower of Augustine, who came to Earth to spread his teachings and convert the natives. Others claim that the alien was a heretic, who corrupted Augustine's writings and used them to justify his evil deeds. Still others suggest that the alien was a hoax, planted by anti-Calvinists to discredit the Reformed tradition.

The anti-Calvinist camp, led by prominent theologian Dr. Arminius Jones, has denounced the alien as a "fake and a fraud", and has called for an investigation into the authenticity of the mummy. "This is clearly an attempt to undermine the true gospel of free will and universal grace," Jones said in a press conference. "There is no way that an alien would have access to Augustine's works, let alone agree with them. This is nothing but a cheap trick by Calvinists to promote their false doctrine of election and irresistible grace."

However, the Calvinist camp, led by renowned historian Dr. John Piper, has defended the alien as a "brother and a martyr", and has praised his faithfulness and courage. "This is a remarkable testimony to the power and sovereignty of God," Piper said in a podcast. "This alien was chosen by God before the foundation of the world, and he persevered in his faith until the end. He was not afraid to face persecution and death for the sake of the truth. He is an example for us all to follow."

The discovery of the mummified alien has also raised questions about the stance of the Vatican, which has remained silent on the matter. Some observers speculate that Rome has strayed from Augustine’s teachings, but the pope does not want to openly denounce a popular saint. Others suggest that the Vatican is secretly investigating the alien, and may have some hidden agenda. Still others wonder if the pope is actually an alien himself, and is part of a larger conspiracy to infiltrate and manipulate the Catholic Church.

The debate has also attracted the attention of UFO enthusiasts and ancient aliens theorists, who have offered their own explanations for the alien's presence and purpose. Some speculate that the alien was part of an intergalactic mission to enlighten humanity and prepare them for ascension. Others hypothesize that the alien was a rogue agent who rebelled against his own kind and sought refuge on Earth. Still others wonder if the alien was actually a human from the future, who traveled back in time to study ancient civilizations.

The mummified alien remains are currently being examined by experts at the Smithsonian Institution, who hope to determine its origin, age, and cause of death. The Augustinian commentaries are also being analyzed by linguists, who hope to decipher its annotations and marginalia. The results are expected to be released in a few months, but until then, the mystery of the 1000-year-old mummified alien remains unsolved.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Martin Luther’s Surprising Opening at the Diet of Worms: “I Grew Up In A Middle Class Family”

What He Could Be (Protestant), Unburdened By What Has Been (Rome) Worms, 1521 – Newly uncovered manuscripts reveal that Martin Luther's famous speech at the Diet of Worms began with an unexpected twist: "Let me start by saying that I grew up in a middle-class family." Luther's opening left the audience puzzled but intrigued. He quickly transitioned to his main argument, maintaining the fiery rhetoric we know today. "Here I stand, I can do no other," he declared, seamlessly blending his personal story with his defiance against the Church. Historians now see Luther's relatable approach as a clever tactic to connect with the common people. "By sharing his humble beginnings, Luther made his revolutionary ideas more accessible," said Dr. Hans Wurst, a Reformation scholar. As we commemorate the Diet of Worms, let's remember Luther not just as a reformer, but as a middle-class hero who knew how to captivate a crowd.
Post a Comment
Read more

Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice  In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...
Post a Comment
Read more

Satanists Boycott Halloween, Claim It's a Christian Holiday

Satanists Say No to Halloween, Yes to Satan: How a Religious Minority Is Challenging the Status Quo A group of satanists has announced that they will not be celebrating Halloween this year, citing religious reasons. The group, which calls itself the Church of Satan, said that Halloween is actually a Christian holiday that has been corrupted by commercialism and paganism. "Halloween is derived from All Hallows' Eve, the eve of the Christian feast of All Saints' Day," said a spokesperson for the Church of Satan. "It is a time when Christians honor their dead and pray for their souls. We, as satanists, do not believe in such superstitions and do not want to participate in this mockery of our faith." The spokesperson added that Halloween also promotes witchcraft, ghosts, vampires, zombies, and other supernatural creatures that have nothing to do with satanism. "We are not interested in dressing up as fictional characters or begging for candy from strangers....
Post a Comment
Read more