1000-Year-Old Mummified Alien Remains Found Clutching Augustinian Teachings on the Will

Free-Will Theists Shocked, Reformed Believers Pleased, the Vatican Silent

In a shocking discovery, archaeologists have unearthed the remains of a 1000-year-old mummified alien in a remote cave in Peru. The alien, which has a humanoid appearance but with four arms and two heads, was found clutching a copy of Augustinian writingson the free choice of the will, a theological treatise that argues for the doctrine of predestination and the total depravity of human nature.

The find has sparked a heated debate among religious scholars and conspiracy theorists, who have different interpretations of the alien's identity and motives. Some believe that the alien was a devout follower of Augustine, who came to Earth to spread his teachings and convert the natives. Others claim that the alien was a heretic, who corrupted Augustine's writings and used them to justify his evil deeds. Still others suggest that the alien was a hoax, planted by anti-Calvinists to discredit the Reformed tradition.

The anti-Calvinist camp, led by prominent theologian Dr. Arminius Jones, has denounced the alien as a "fake and a fraud", and has called for an investigation into the authenticity of the mummy. "This is clearly an attempt to undermine the true gospel of free will and universal grace," Jones said in a press conference. "There is no way that an alien would have access to Augustine's works, let alone agree with them. This is nothing but a cheap trick by Calvinists to promote their false doctrine of election and irresistible grace."

However, the Calvinist camp, led by renowned historian Dr. John Piper, has defended the alien as a "brother and a martyr", and has praised his faithfulness and courage. "This is a remarkable testimony to the power and sovereignty of God," Piper said in a podcast. "This alien was chosen by God before the foundation of the world, and he persevered in his faith until the end. He was not afraid to face persecution and death for the sake of the truth. He is an example for us all to follow."

The discovery of the mummified alien has also raised questions about the stance of the Vatican, which has remained silent on the matter. Some observers speculate that Rome has strayed from Augustine’s teachings, but the pope does not want to openly denounce a popular saint. Others suggest that the Vatican is secretly investigating the alien, and may have some hidden agenda. Still others wonder if the pope is actually an alien himself, and is part of a larger conspiracy to infiltrate and manipulate the Catholic Church.

The debate has also attracted the attention of UFO enthusiasts and ancient aliens theorists, who have offered their own explanations for the alien's presence and purpose. Some speculate that the alien was part of an intergalactic mission to enlighten humanity and prepare them for ascension. Others hypothesize that the alien was a rogue agent who rebelled against his own kind and sought refuge on Earth. Still others wonder if the alien was actually a human from the future, who traveled back in time to study ancient civilizations.

The mummified alien remains are currently being examined by experts at the Smithsonian Institution, who hope to determine its origin, age, and cause of death. The Augustinian commentaries are also being analyzed by linguists, who hope to decipher its annotations and marginalia. The results are expected to be released in a few months, but until then, the mystery of the 1000-year-old mummified alien remains unsolved.