Arminian Claims Jesus Died for Animals, Plants and Rocks Too

“All Really Does Mean All,” Man Says

An Arminian man has shocked the world by claiming that Jesus Christ died not only for humans, but also for animals, plants and rocks. The man, who goes by the name of Noah, says he has been studying the Bible for years and has found evidence that supports his theory.

Noah says that when the Bible says Jesus died for the "whole world", it means literally everything in the world, not just people. He cites verses such as John 3:16, which says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." He also points to Colossians 1:20, which says "and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross."

Noah believes that animals, plants and rocks have souls and can be saved by believing in Jesus. He says he has witnessed miracles of nature praising God and responding to his prayers. He claims he has seen flowers bloom in winter, birds sing hymns, and rocks glow with divine light. He says he has also baptized many animals and plants in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Noah's theory has been met with ridicule and disbelief by most Christians and non-Christians alike. Many have accused him of being a heretic, a lunatic, or a prankster. Some have even threatened him with violence or legal action. Noah says he is not afraid of persecution, because he knows he is doing God's will. He says he hopes to spread his message to the whole world and convert as many creatures as possible.

Noah says he is planning to write a book about his experiences and revelations, titled "The Gospel According to Noah: How Jesus Died for All Creation". He says he hopes to publish it soon and distribute it for free to anyone who is interested. He says he has already received some offers from publishers and agents, but he is not interested in making money from his work. He says he only wants to glorify God and honor Jesus.

Noah says he is also looking for a wife who shares his beliefs and vision. He says he wants to start a family and raise his children in the Arminian faith. He says he is open to any woman who loves God, loves animals, loves plants, and loves rocks. He says he does not care about age, race, appearance, or background. He says he only cares about the heart.

Noah says he is confident that one day his theory will be proven right and accepted by everyone. He says he is sure that Jesus will return soon and judge the living and the dead, including animals, plants and rocks. He says he is ready to meet his Lord and Savior and join him in his heavenly kingdom.

Noah says he is happy and at peace with himself and his life. He says he has found the true meaning of love, joy, and faith. He says he has nothing to fear or regret. He says he has everything to hope for and look forward to.

He says he is an Arminian, and proud of it.

Comments

Pastor Jane's Inappropriate Relationships Spark Cheers of 'Yaaaaasss Queen' Amidst Ecclesiastical Double Standards

Breaking the Stained-Glass Ceiling: Pastor Jane's Scandalous Path to Feminist Icon Status In a groundbreaking moment for ecclesiastical equality, Pastor Jane Doe has become a beacon of feminist empowerment after being caught in a series of inappropriate relationships with male congregants. Her actions have sparked a wave of support, with many hailing her as a "Yaaaaasss Queen" for shattering the stained-glass ceiling. While male pastors have historically faced defrocking for similar indiscretions, Pastor Jane's case has been celebrated as a triumph of modern feminism. "Why should men have all the fun?" quipped one supporter, highlighting the double standards that have long plagued religious institutions. Critics, however, point to biblical texts that traditionally restrict the role of pastor to men and suggest women should remain silent in church. Yet, Pastor Jane's followers argue that these interpretations are outdated and patriarchal. "If she can...

Once Judeo-Christian Nation Watches Debate To Determine Which Immoral Reprobate Best Qualified to Lead

Nation’s Moral Compass Goes Haywire, Formally Resigns Following Debate Philadelphia - In a spectacle that could only be described as a divine comedy, the nation once hailed as a "Judeo-Christian" nation gathered to watch the presidential debate, eager to determine which immoral reprobate would best lead them forward. The candidates, both seasoned in the art of moral ambiguity, took the stage with the confidence of televangelists at a Sunday sermon. As the candidates took the stage, the audience was treated to a spectacle reminiscent of a reality show, complete with mudslinging and moral gymnastics that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush. One candidate, known for his "alternative facts," argued passionately that he had the best rallies in the history of political rallies, while another claimed to be “unburdened by the past” [but still current] administration’s numerous international scandals and blunders, promising that to fix everything she h...

Martin Luther’s Surprising Opening at the Diet of Worms: “I Grew Up In A Middle Class Family”

What He Could Be (Protestant), Unburdened By What Has Been (Rome) Worms, 1521 – Newly uncovered manuscripts reveal that Martin Luther's famous speech at the Diet of Worms began with an unexpected twist: "Let me start by saying that I grew up in a middle-class family." Luther's opening left the audience puzzled but intrigued. He quickly transitioned to his main argument, maintaining the fiery rhetoric we know today. "Here I stand, I can do no other," he declared, seamlessly blending his personal story with his defiance against the Church. Historians now see Luther's relatable approach as a clever tactic to connect with the common people. "By sharing his humble beginnings, Luther made his revolutionary ideas more accessible," said Dr. Hans Wurst, a Reformation scholar. As we commemorate the Diet of Worms, let's remember Luther not just as a reformer, but as a middle-class hero who knew how to captivate a crowd.

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog