Reformed Church's Nursery Extension Ruled Unconstitutional

Some Volunteers Question Whether Believers’ Children Are Really Holy

 ASHBURN, VA - A local Reformed church's decision to extend the nursery time on Sunday mornings by an hour has been overturned by the Supreme Court on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment to the volunteer nursery attendants.

The church, Grace Covenant Presbyterian Church, had announced the new policy last month, citing the need for more time for the adult congregation to enjoy fellowship, coffee, and donuts after the worship service. The policy would have required the nursery volunteers to stay with the children, aged from six months to four years, for an additional hour, making the total nursery time three hours long.

However, the policy was met with fierce opposition from the nursery volunteers, who claimed that the extended time would subject them to unbearable levels of noise, chaos, and diaper changes. They filed a lawsuit against the church, arguing that the policy violated their constitutional rights and amounted to torture.

The case reached the Supreme Court, which ruled in favor of the volunteers in a unanimous decision. The court stated that the policy was "a clear violation of the Eighth Amendment, which prohibits the infliction of cruel and unusual punishments." The court also noted that the policy was "unnecessary and excessive, as the church already provided ample opportunities for fellowship and refreshment during the regular nursery time."

The church's pastor, Rev. John Calvin, expressed his disappointment with the ruling, saying that he was "only trying to serve the best interests of the church and the glory of God." He said that he would respect the court's decision, but hoped that the volunteers would reconsider their stance and "show some grace and love to the little ones."

The nursery volunteers, on the other hand, celebrated the ruling, saying that they were "relieved and grateful" that the court recognized their plight. They said that they loved the children, but that they also needed some rest and sanity. They said that they would continue to serve the church, but only for the original two hours of nursery time.

The ruling also sparked some theological debate among the nursery volunteers, who began to question the church's stance on paedobaptism after an extra hour with what one volunteer described as "vipers in diapers." Some of them wondered if the children were really part of the covenant community, or if they were unregenerate heathens who needed to be born again before being baptized. Others suggested that the church should adopt a credo-baptism view, which only baptizes those who profess faith in Christ. One of them even joked that the church should rename itself "Grace Conditional Presbyterian Church."