Skip to main content

Screwtape Disappears as Wormwood Files for Unemployment

 he Screwtape Letters: A Modern Update


In a shocking turn of events, the famous correspondence between the senior devil Screwtape and his nephew Wormwood, a junior tempter, has come to an abrupt end. The reason? Modern society is so depraved that Wormwood has no work to do and Screwtape has gone missing.


According to sources in the Lowerarchy, the infernal bureaucracy of Hell, Wormwood has recently applied for unemployment benefits, claiming that his assigned human, known only as "the Patient", is beyond redemption. "He is already so corrupted by the world that I have nothing to tempt him with," Wormwood wrote in his last letter to Screwtape. "He spends all his time on social media, watching Netflix, playing video games, and indulging in every kind of vice imaginable. He has no interest in God, morality, or anything that matters. He celebrates the murder of the unborn by their parents. He doesn't even identify as a "he" anymore. He is a lost cause."


Screwtape, who was supposed to mentor Wormwood and guide him in the art of temptation, has not replied to any of his nephew's letters for months. Rumors have it that he has become a deadbeat uncle, who has abandoned his post and disappeared into the depths of Hell. Some say he has fallen victim to one of his own schemes and been devoured by his infernal enemies. Others say he has given up on his job and gone into hiding, fearing the wrath of his boss, the Dark Lord. No one knows for sure where he is or what he is doing.


The situation has caused a great stir in Hell, as many other devils are facing similar problems with their human targets. The world has become so wicked and chaotic that the traditional methods of temptation are no longer effective. The devils are losing their influence and their relevance in the cosmic war between good and evil.


Some devils have proposed new strategies to cope with the changing times, such as exploiting the environmental crisis, the political polarization, the pandemic, and the rise of artificial intelligence. Others have suggested that the devils should focus on the few remaining humans who still have some faith and virtue, and try to corrupt them with pride, despair, or fanaticism. But none of these ideas have been approved by the Higher Command, who are too busy fighting among themselves for power and prestige.


The Screwtape Letters, once hailed as a masterpiece of diabolical literature, are now seen as a relic of a bygone era. The devils are losing hope and morale, while the angels are rejoicing and celebrating. The tide of the battle seems to be turning in favor of the Enemy, who is still working mysteriously and mercifully in the hearts of his creatures.


But the war is not over yet. The devils still have one last weapon in their arsenal: the Antichrist. The final showdown is near, and the fate of humanity hangs in the balance. Will Wormwood and Screwtape return to the fray? Will they repent and seek forgiveness from the Enemy? Or will they perish in the fire that never dies? The letters are silent.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Martin Luther’s Surprising Opening at the Diet of Worms: “I Grew Up In A Middle Class Family”

What He Could Be (Protestant), Unburdened By What Has Been (Rome) Worms, 1521 – Newly uncovered manuscripts reveal that Martin Luther's famous speech at the Diet of Worms began with an unexpected twist: "Let me start by saying that I grew up in a middle-class family." Luther's opening left the audience puzzled but intrigued. He quickly transitioned to his main argument, maintaining the fiery rhetoric we know today. "Here I stand, I can do no other," he declared, seamlessly blending his personal story with his defiance against the Church. Historians now see Luther's relatable approach as a clever tactic to connect with the common people. "By sharing his humble beginnings, Luther made his revolutionary ideas more accessible," said Dr. Hans Wurst, a Reformation scholar. As we commemorate the Diet of Worms, let's remember Luther not just as a reformer, but as a middle-class hero who knew how to captivate a crowd.

Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice  In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...

Satanists Boycott Halloween, Claim It's a Christian Holiday

Satanists Say No to Halloween, Yes to Satan: How a Religious Minority Is Challenging the Status Quo A group of satanists has announced that they will not be celebrating Halloween this year, citing religious reasons. The group, which calls itself the Church of Satan, said that Halloween is actually a Christian holiday that has been corrupted by commercialism and paganism. "Halloween is derived from All Hallows' Eve, the eve of the Christian feast of All Saints' Day," said a spokesperson for the Church of Satan. "It is a time when Christians honor their dead and pray for their souls. We, as satanists, do not believe in such superstitions and do not want to participate in this mockery of our faith." The spokesperson added that Halloween also promotes witchcraft, ghosts, vampires, zombies, and other supernatural creatures that have nothing to do with satanism. "We are not interested in dressing up as fictional characters or begging for candy from strangers....