Arminian Man Converts to Calvinism After Hearing Mariah Carey's Song

All I Want For Christmas is Calvinism

COSTA MESA, CA - A local Arminian man, who had been resisting the doctrines of grace for years, finally embraced Calvinism after hearing Mariah Carey's song "All I Want for Christmas Is You" being played in a mall on November 1st.

The man, identified as John Thomas, was shopping for some Halloween candy on clearance when he heard the familiar tune of the popular Christmas song. He said he felt a sudden horror and disgust at the wickedness and depravity of the person who would play such a song so early.

"I realized that whoever played that song must have a reprobate mind, totally corrupted by sin and unable to please God," Thomas said. "I realized that I was no better than that person, that I was also a sinner deserving of God's wrath. I realized that I was totally depraved and unable to choose God on my own."

Thomas also said that the lyrics of the [in]famous song made him realize that free-will theism made God sound just as pathetic as Mariah Carey begging for the affections of her would-be lover:

“Oh, I just want you for my own

More than you could ever know

Make my wish come true

Baby, all I want for Christmas is you

You, baby”

Thomas said he immediately ran out of the mall and went to the nearest bookstore, where he bought a copy of John Calvin's Institutes of the Christian Religion. He said he spent the next several hours reading the book and praying for God to have mercy on him.

"I felt a grace and a forgiveness that I had never felt before," Thomas said. "I knew that God had chosen me before the foundation of the world, and that He had spared me from His righteous judgment. I knew that He had sent His Son to die for me, and that He had given me the gift of faith to believe in Him. I knew that He was working all things for my good and His glory."

Thomas said he has since joined a Reformed church and has been attending a weekly Bible study on the five points of Calvinism. He said he plans to celebrate Christmas this year by singing psalms and reading the Westminster Confession of Faith.

He also said he has deleted all of Mariah Carey's songs from his phone and has vowed never to listen to them again.

"I don't want anything for Christmas, except Jesus," Thomas said. "…and a 4-volume set of Bavinck’s ‘Reformed Dogmatics.’”

Comments

Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu

Opinion: How to Win Any Theological Argument With One Simple Phrase

The Ultimate Guide to Dispensational Defense: How to Defend Your Faith and Confuse Your Critics Quickly and Efficiently Are you tired of losing arguments with your fellow Christians over eschatology, hermeneutics, or covenant theology? Do you wish you had a foolproof way to silence your opponents and prove your superior understanding of the Bible? Well, look no further than this one simple phrase: "You don't understand dispensationalism." That's right, with this magic phrase, you can win any theological debate in seconds. Here's how it works: - Step 1: Identify your opponent's position and label it as non-dispensational. It doesn't matter if they are amillennial, postmillennial, covenantal, or even dispensational themselves. Just say they are not. - Step 2: Assert that their position is based on a faulty interpretation of Scripture that ignores the literal, grammatical-historical method and the distinction between Israel and the church. - Step 3: When they

Christian Man Denounces All Holidays as Pagan, Celebrates Nothing

Even the Calendar Comes From Pagans, Man Declares A Christian man from San Diego, California, has declared that he will not celebrate any holiday, not even his own birthday, because they are all pagan and sinful. John Bradfield, 45, says he has been studying the Bible and history for years and has come to the conclusion that every holiday is an abomination in the eyes of God. "I don't celebrate Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, or any other holiday," Bradfield said. "They are all based on pagan traditions and rituals that have nothing to do with Christianity. They are all corrupted by Satan and his minions. Even my birthday is pagan, because it's based on the solar calendar, which was invented by pagans. I only follow the biblical calendar, which is based on the lunar cycles." Bradfield says he spends his days reading the Bible, praying, and preaching to others about the evils of holidays. He says he has no friends or family,

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog