The Calvinist Chronicle

“This Will Be My Year,” Bible Hopes IRVINE, CA - As the year 2023 comes to an end, a dusty Bible on the bookshelf of the Smith family is hopeful that this next year will be the year that somebody actually keeps their New Year's resolution to read it. The Bible, which was purchased in 2015 and has since been collecting dust on the top shelf of the living room, told reporters that it has witnessed many failed attempts by the Smiths to read it regularly. "I remember the first time they brought me home. They were so excited and said they would read me every day. They even got a bookmark and a highlighter. But after a few weeks, they just forgot about me and left me here," the Bible said. The Bible said that every year, around December or January, one of the Smiths would pick it up and flip through its pages, saying that they would make reading it a priority in the new year. "They always say things like 'This year will be different' or 'I really need to get in...

Council Settles Argument, Raises More Questions A team of archaeologists has unearthed a stunning discovery: a long-lost document from an ancient ecumenical church council that lays down the rules for Christmas decorations. The document, dated to the year 325 AD, was found in a hidden chamber under the ruins of the Council of Nicaea, where Christian bishops gathered to settle doctrinal disputes and unify the church. The document, written in Greek and Latin, reveals that the council not only decided on the nature of Christ and the date of Easter, but also issued a decree on how to celebrate Christmas. According to the decree, Christians are forbidden to remove their Christmas lights and other decorations before the New Year, as this would be a sign of disrespect and ingratitude to God for the gift of his Son. However, they are also mandated to remove them immediately after the New Year, as this would be a sign of detachment and moderation, and a reminder of the transience of earthly thi...

Did She Really, Though? The Ultimate Guide to the Popular Song The lyrics to "Mary Did You Know" are a popular Christmas song that imagines what Mary, the mother of Jesus, might have known or wondered about her son's future. The song is not based on any specific biblical passage, but rather on various events and teachings from the Gospels, and has been hotly contested since its inception. Let's look at each line and see what we can find out. - Mary, did you know that your baby boy would one day walk on water?  There is no evidence that Mary knew this before it happened. The only Gospel that records Jesus walking on water is Matthew, and it does not mention Mary being present or informed of this miracle (Mt 14:22-33). - Mary, did you know that your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?  Mary probably had some idea that her son was the Messiah, the anointed one who would save Israel from their enemies. The angel Gabriel told her that he would be called the Son of ...

Skeptics Wonder: What Does That Make Us? In a surprising twist of events, the Catholic Church has declared that the Virgin Mary's father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate was also conceived without original sin. The announcement came after a thorough investigation by a team of theologians, historians, and genealogists, who traced the lineage of the mysterious figure back to the Holy Family. The roommate, whose name has not been revealed, lived with one of Mary's distant relatives in Nazareth around the time of Jesus' birth. According to the Church, he was a devout and righteous man, who never committed any sin in his life. He was also blessed with a miraculous birth, as his mother was barren and his father was old. The Church claims that God preserved him from the stain of original sin, just as He did for Mary, in order to prepare him for his role in salvation history. The Church has not specified what that role was, but some speculate that he ma...

Website’s security test challenges doctrine of predestination and human nature A Calvinist from Wisconsin was unable to pass a simple "prove you're not a bot" test on a webpage, leading to his frustration and embarrassment. The test, which is commonly used to prevent automated spam and malicious attacks, asked the user to select all the images that contained traffic lights from a grid of nine pictures. However, the Calvinist, who believes that humans are robots with no free will and that everything is predetermined by God, failed to complete the task. "I don't understand why they are asking me to do this," the Calvinist said. "It's not like I have a choice in the matter. God has already decided which images I will click on, and nothing I do can change that.  How can you do this? This is outrageous; it's unfair. How can you be a Calvinist and not be a robot?" The Calvinist also claimed that the test was biased against his theological views, ...