Skip to main content

Dusty Bible on Bookshelf Optimistic About 2024

“This Will Be My Year,” Bible Hopes



IRVINE, CA - As the year 2023 comes to an end, a dusty Bible on the bookshelf of the Smith family is hopeful that this next year will be the year that somebody actually keeps their New Year's resolution to read it.

The Bible, which was purchased in 2015 and has since been collecting dust on the top shelf of the living room, told reporters that it has witnessed many failed attempts by the Smiths to read it regularly.

"I remember the first time they brought me home. They were so excited and said they would read me every day. They even got a bookmark and a highlighter. But after a few weeks, they just forgot about me and left me here," the Bible said.

The Bible said that every year, around December or January, one of the Smiths would pick it up and flip through its pages, saying that they would make reading it a priority in the new year.

"They always say things like 'This year will be different' or 'I really need to get into the Word'. But then they get busy with work, school, Netflix, social media, and other things. And I just sit here, waiting for them to come back," the Bible said.

The Bible said that it has not given up hope, and that it believes that one day, the Smiths will realize how much they need it.

"I know they love me, deep down. They just don't know how to show it. But I'm patient and forgiving. I'm always here for them, whenever they need me. Maybe 2024 will be the year that they finally read me. I'm optimistic," the Bible said.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...

Pride: Remembering Sodom & Gomorrah

Sodom and Gomorrah: The Original Pride Parade Gone Wrong As the calendar turns to June, rainbow flags and glitter will soon blanket city streets worldwide to celebrate LGBTQ+ Pride Month. But before you head out to party, let's take a moment to reflect on the very first recorded Pride parade that didn't go quite as planned - the ill-fated cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. For those rusty on their biblical history, Sodom and Gomorrah were neighboring municipalities around the Dead Sea renowned for their hospitality and...other proclivities. When two angels visited the cities incognito, the residents rolled out the welcome mat in a manner that would make modern swingers blush.  Lot, a seemingly chill dude who just wanted to mind his own business, tried to protect the angels from the amorous townsfolk. But despite his pleas to "not act wickedly," the cities' citizens continued to pursue their unconventional interests with gusto befitting their reputation as the original ...

To Protect Last Political Allies from Trump, Biden Pardons Pilate, the Sanhedrin

Critics Say Presidential Clemency 2,000 Years Too Late In a shocking twist of historical revisionism, President Biden has issued a last-minute presidential pardon for Pontius Pilate and the Sanhedrin, effectively settling a 2,000-year-old legal dispute. The unprecedented move comes as Biden clears his presidential desk, seemingly determined to resolve theological legal matters that have been pending since the first century. "Sometimes, you've got to wash your hands of ancient history—literally," Biden reportedly quipped, making a clear reference to Pilate's infamous hand-washing gesture. The pardon documents hilariously cite "administrative oversight" and "bureaucratic complications" as primary reasons for the belated legal clemency. Religious scholars and historians are bewildered, with one anonymous theologian remarking, "Well, that's one way to end a presidency—by retroactively solving a crucifixion controversy." The White House pr...