Calvinist Discovers 8 Chapters Before Romans 9, Non-Calvinist Discovers Romans 9

How a Bible App Revealed the Hidden Chapters of Romans

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - A local Calvinist and a non-Calvinist both had surprising encounters with the book of Romans, when they both realized that there were chapters they had never read before.

The Calvinist, who wished to remain anonymous, said he was browsing through his Bible app when he accidentally scrolled up and saw a chapter number he had never noticed before.

"I thought Romans started at chapter 9, where Paul talks about God's sovereignty and predestination. That's the only chapter I ever read and memorized," he said.

The Calvinist said he was curious to see what the other chapters were about, so he started reading from the beginning of Romans. He was amazed to discover that Paul wrote about a lot of things that he had never heard of before, such as justification by faith, the righteousness of God, the love of Christ, and the work of the Holy Spirit.

"I realized that I had been missing out on a lot of important truths and doctrines that Paul taught," he said. "I also realized that I had been taking Romans 9 out of context and ignoring the rest of Paul's argument. I learned that God's election is not arbitrary or unfair, but based on his mercy and grace. I also learned that God's purpose is not to exclude or condemn anyone, but to include and save everyone who believes in Jesus. I felt humbled and grateful for God's amazing grace and love."

In related news, a non-Calvinist who saw the Calvinist's post on social media decided to mock and ridicule him for his ignorance.

He wrote a sarcastic review of the Calvinist's discovery, but as he was writing, he realized that there was a ninth chapter of Romans, a chapter he had never heard of in his church.

He opened his Bible app and searched for Romans 9. He was shocked and disturbed by what he read.

He saw that Paul wrote about God's sovereign choice of some for salvation and others for reprobation, using examples from the Old Testament and answering objections with Scripture. He also saw that Paul concluded by showing that God's plan of salvation includes both Jews and Gentiles.

"This can't be true," he said. "This can't be what Paul meant. This can't be what God is like. This can't be the gospel. This can't be the Bible."

The non-Calvinist then deleted his review and closed his Bible app, feeling confused and conflicted.

Comments

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...

Pride: Remembering Sodom & Gomorrah

Sodom and Gomorrah: The Original Pride Parade Gone Wrong As the calendar turns to June, rainbow flags and glitter will soon blanket city streets worldwide to celebrate LGBTQ+ Pride Month. But before you head out to party, let's take a moment to reflect on the very first recorded Pride parade that didn't go quite as planned - the ill-fated cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. For those rusty on their biblical history, Sodom and Gomorrah were neighboring municipalities around the Dead Sea renowned for their hospitality and...other proclivities. When two angels visited the cities incognito, the residents rolled out the welcome mat in a manner that would make modern swingers blush. Lot, a seemingly chill dude who just wanted to mind his own business, tried to protect the angels from the amorous townsfolk. But despite his pleas to "not act wickedly," the cities' citizens continued to pursue their unconventional interests with gusto befitting their reputation as the original ...

To Protect Last Political Allies from Trump, Biden Pardons Pilate, the Sanhedrin

Critics Say Presidential Clemency 2,000 Years Too Late In a shocking twist of historical revisionism, President Biden has issued a last-minute presidential pardon for Pontius Pilate and the Sanhedrin, effectively settling a 2,000-year-old legal dispute. The unprecedented move comes as Biden clears his presidential desk, seemingly determined to resolve theological legal matters that have been pending since the first century. "Sometimes, you've got to wash your hands of ancient history—literally," Biden reportedly quipped, making a clear reference to Pilate's infamous hand-washing gesture. The pardon documents hilariously cite "administrative oversight" and "bureaucratic complications" as primary reasons for the belated legal clemency. Religious scholars and historians are bewildered, with one anonymous theologian remarking, "Well, that's one way to end a presidency—by retroactively solving a crucifixion controversy." The White House pr...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog