The Calvinist Chronicle

The Slang Bible: A Divine Comedy or Sacred Tragedy? Aight, peeps, get ready to have your minds blown, frfr. The Bible just got a major makeover, and it's straight-up bussin'. This ain't your grandma's scripture.  In an unprecedented move that’s got everyone saying “gucci,” a new translation of the Bible has hit the shelves, and it’s nothing short of a linguistic miracle. Dubbed:  "The Holy Script: Internet Slang Edition," it's about to go viral. From Genesis to Revelation, It’s Lit:   **Genesis 1:1** is now, "Big G started it all off, no cap. He was like, 'Let's get this light poppin',' and bam – it was pure fire." **John 3:16** got flipped to, "God's love for the squad is legit, ong. He sent His main dude so nobody has to take the L, but can keep it 100 for eternity." And you know **Psalm 23**? That's been upgraded to, "The Big Boss is my homie; I'm Gucci. He's got me vibin' in lush fields, sipp...

The Hobby That Ruined Christianity They are everywhere. They are the ones who read books by dead guys, listen to podcasts by living guys, and watch documentaries by boring guys. They are the ones who collect Reformed stuff, memorize Reformed stuff, and debate Reformed stuff. They are the ones who follow Reformed stars, quote Reformed slogans, and wear Reformed clothes. They are the Reformed nerds. And they have turned their faith into a hobby. A hobby that is not about God, but about themselves. A hobby that is not about grace, but about pride. A hobby that is not about love, but about competition. A hobby that has made them insecure, arrogant, and immature. A hobby that has made them forget the gospel, ignore the world, and alienate the church. A hobby that has ruined Christianity. How did this happen? How did they go from being Reformed Christians to Reformed nerds? How did they go from being disciples of Christ to fans of Calvin? The answer is simple: they got bored. Bored of the si...

Local churches indignant, albeit for very different reasons The Super Bowl is known for its flashy and expensive commercials, but this year, one ad campaign stood out for its religious message. The “He Gets Us” commercials, funded by a mysterious charity called Come Near, featured scenes of people from different backgrounds and situations, all united by their faith in Jesus Christ. The ads claimed that Jesus understands our struggles, loves us unconditionally, and invites us to follow him. But not everyone was impressed by the sentimental and inclusive tone of the commercials. Some Calvinists, a branch of Protestantism that follows the teachings of John Calvin, criticized the ads for being misleading and unbiblical. They argued that the ads failed to convey the true nature of God’s sovereignty and grace, and that they gave people a false sense of security and choice. “Jesus doesn’t get us, he predestines us,” said one Calvinist pastor, who wished to remain anonymous. “He doesn’t care a...

Non-Calvinist misquotes Calvin and Pink to prove his point, Calvinist left speechless WOODCREST, CA - A local Calvinist was left speechless after a heated debate with a non-Calvinist churchgoer, who accused him of being part of a works-based holiness-type cult. The Calvinist, who wished to remain anonymous, said he was trying to explain the doctrine of perseverance of the saints to the non-Calvinist, who seemed to misunderstand it completely. "I was telling him that perseverance of the saints means that those whom God has chosen and saved by his grace will never fall away from the faith, but will continue to live in obedience and holiness until the end," the Calvinist said. "I thought it was pretty clear and biblical, but he just kept interrupting me and calling me a heretic." The non-Calvinist, who also wished to remain anonymous, said he was shocked and appalled by the Calvinist's claims, which he considered to be contrary to the gospel of grace. "He was ...

God’s Electrifying Grace: How a Brain-Computer Interface Proves that He Chooses Us, Not the Other Way Around In a shocking discovery, a team of neuroscientists and theologians have found evidence of an ancient preexisting spiritual version of Neuralink, the brain-computer interface developed by Elon Musk, embedded in the minds of all believers by the Holy Spirit. This device, dubbed the "Holy Link", enables them to believe the Gospel and follow God's will, confirming the Calvinist doctrine of predestination. The researchers, who published their findings in the journal Nature, claim that the Holy Link is a sophisticated network of nanoscale particles that communicate with the divine realm through quantum entanglement. They say that the Holy Link is activated at the moment of regeneration, when the Holy Spirit grants faith and repentance to the elect. The Holy Link then guides the believer's thoughts, words, and actions according to God's sovereign plan. "This ...

The Dark Side of Influence Culture Comes to Light A new Instagram filter created by evangelist Ray Comfort has sparked controversy and backlash among social media influencers.  The filter, dubbed "The Way of the Master", is based on Comfort's popular method of evangelism, which uses the Ten Commandments to expose the sinfulness of humanity and the need for repentance and faith in Jesus Christ. According to Comfort, the filter is designed to show people the truth about themselves and their eternal destiny. "The filter is a simple way to share the gospel with your friends and followers," Comfort said. "It reveals the hidden secrets of your heart and shows you how you have broken God's law and deserve His wrath." The filter, which was released on April Fool's Day, has been downloaded by millions of users, who were curious to see how they would look under the filter. However, many of them were shocked and offended by the results, which showed them ...