Skip to main content

Divine 'No-Show': Savior Candidates Skip Crucifixion, Cite Heavenly Oversight

Second Coming Candidates Decline Crucifixion, Cite Schedule Conflicts



In a stunning turn of events, individuals claiming to be the second coming of Jesus have unanimously declined the opportunity to prove their divinity by undergoing crucifixion and subsequent resurrection. The reason? A sudden onset of schedule conflicts and prior commitments.

“We were all set to go,” said one self-proclaimed messiah, who asked to remain anonymous due to not wanting to spoil the surprise. “But then I remembered I had a dentist appointment on Friday, and you know how hard it is to reschedule those.”

Another contender cited a more existential reason for backing out. “I was totally ready to take up the cross, but then it dawned on me—what if I’m actually just the third coming of Jesus, and I missed the memo about the second one? That would be embarrassing.”

The collective decision has left theologians scratching their heads and historians updating their books, while carpenters are reportedly relieved at the sudden drop in cross orders.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Epstein's List: A Convenient Distraction

Jesus is King, but the Devil is in the Details In a shocking twist of events, the infamous list of names associated with the late Jeffrey Epstein's sex trafficking ring has been leaked to the public. The list, which contains hundreds of prominent figures from politics, entertainment, business, and sports, has sparked outrage and scandal across the world. However, some experts believe that the release of the list is not a coincidence, but a deliberate attempt to divert attention from the real news: Jesus is king.  According to Dr. Michael Brown, a professor of theology at Harvard University, the list is part of a "satanic conspiracy" to undermine the faith of Christians and distract them from the second coming of Christ. "Jesus is king. He is alive and he is coming back soon. That is the most important news that anyone should care about," Dr. Brown said. "But the devil knows that, and he is using the list to create chaos and confusion among the people of Go...
Post a Comment
Read more

Man Gets Rich by Shorting the Stock of Every Company That Goes Woke Before Pride Month

Man Gets Rich by Shorting the Stock of Every Company That Goes Woke Before Pride Month A man from New York has made a fortune by shorting the stock of every company that goes woke before Pride Month. He claims that he has a foolproof strategy to predict which companies will suffer a backlash from their customers and investors for virtue signaling. "I call it the 'woke-o-meter'," he said. "It's a simple formula that measures how much a company is pandering to the LGBTQ+ community and other social justice causes. The more they do, the more likely their stock will tank." He explained that he uses a variety of indicators to calculate the woke-o-meter score for each company, such as: - The number and frequency of rainbow-themed logos, products, and ads - The amount and percentage of donations to LGBTQ+ organizations and charities - The diversity and inclusion policies and initiatives - The public statements and endorsements of LGBTQ+ celebrities and activists...
Post a Comment
Read more