Divine 'No-Show': Savior Candidates Skip Crucifixion, Cite Heavenly Oversight

Second Coming Candidates Decline Crucifixion, Cite Schedule Conflicts

In a stunning turn of events, individuals claiming to be the second coming of Jesus have unanimously declined the opportunity to prove their divinity by undergoing crucifixion and subsequent resurrection. The reason? A sudden onset of schedule conflicts and prior commitments.

“We were all set to go,” said one self-proclaimed messiah, who asked to remain anonymous due to not wanting to spoil the surprise. “But then I remembered I had a dentist appointment on Friday, and you know how hard it is to reschedule those.”

Another contender cited a more existential reason for backing out. “I was totally ready to take up the cross, but then it dawned on me—what if I’m actually just the third coming of Jesus, and I missed the memo about the second one? That would be embarrassing.”

The collective decision has left theologians scratching their heads and historians updating their books, while carpenters are reportedly relieved at the sudden drop in cross orders.

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