Satan Cries Foul After Losing Eternal Soul Count on Good Friday

Allegations that Dominion belongs to God, the Fix is In

THE UNDERWORLD - In a shocking turn of events, the Dark Lord Satan has angrily disputed the results of the eternal soul count on Good Friday, claiming the system is "rigged" and that his victory over Christ has been stolen.

"This is a complete travesty of justice," a visibly distraught Satan told reporters from the depths of his fiery domain. "I had this thing won fair and square. The numbers were looking great for me right up until midnight, and then suddenly all these new souls started pouring in for Christ. It's a disgrace."

Satan went on to allege widespread demonic fraud, claiming that legions of his most loyal minions were prevented from collecting the souls of the damned due to what he called "outrageous" restrictions on underworld activities.

"They wouldn't let my best demons anywhere near the mortal realm," Satan fumed. "Chains, holy water, the name of Jesus - it was a total setup. The system is rigged against me, I tell you."

The Prince of Darkness said he plans to file a number of formal complaints with the Infernal Bureau of Soul Accounting and is considering launching a full-scale investigation into the matter.

"This isn't over," Satan warned ominously. "I'm going to fight this thing tooth and nail. Mark my words, I'll have my revenge, and Christ's unrighteous victory will be overturned. Hell hath no fury like a demon scorned."

At press time, Christ’s supporters were reportedly celebrating his surprise win with a glass of fine wine and a plate of unleavened bread.

Comments

Pastor Jane's Inappropriate Relationships Spark Cheers of 'Yaaaaasss Queen' Amidst Ecclesiastical Double Standards

Breaking the Stained-Glass Ceiling: Pastor Jane's Scandalous Path to Feminist Icon Status In a groundbreaking moment for ecclesiastical equality, Pastor Jane Doe has become a beacon of feminist empowerment after being caught in a series of inappropriate relationships with male congregants. Her actions have sparked a wave of support, with many hailing her as a "Yaaaaasss Queen" for shattering the stained-glass ceiling. While male pastors have historically faced defrocking for similar indiscretions, Pastor Jane's case has been celebrated as a triumph of modern feminism. "Why should men have all the fun?" quipped one supporter, highlighting the double standards that have long plagued religious institutions. Critics, however, point to biblical texts that traditionally restrict the role of pastor to men and suggest women should remain silent in church. Yet, Pastor Jane's followers argue that these interpretations are outdated and patriarchal. "If she can...

Once Judeo-Christian Nation Watches Debate To Determine Which Immoral Reprobate Best Qualified to Lead

Nation’s Moral Compass Goes Haywire, Formally Resigns Following Debate Philadelphia - In a spectacle that could only be described as a divine comedy, the nation once hailed as a "Judeo-Christian" nation gathered to watch the presidential debate, eager to determine which immoral reprobate would best lead them forward. The candidates, both seasoned in the art of moral ambiguity, took the stage with the confidence of televangelists at a Sunday sermon. As the candidates took the stage, the audience was treated to a spectacle reminiscent of a reality show, complete with mudslinging and moral gymnastics that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush. One candidate, known for his "alternative facts," argued passionately that he had the best rallies in the history of political rallies, while another claimed to be “unburdened by the past” [but still current] administration’s numerous international scandals and blunders, promising that to fix everything she h...

Martin Luther’s Surprising Opening at the Diet of Worms: “I Grew Up In A Middle Class Family”

What He Could Be (Protestant), Unburdened By What Has Been (Rome) Worms, 1521 – Newly uncovered manuscripts reveal that Martin Luther's famous speech at the Diet of Worms began with an unexpected twist: "Let me start by saying that I grew up in a middle-class family." Luther's opening left the audience puzzled but intrigued. He quickly transitioned to his main argument, maintaining the fiery rhetoric we know today. "Here I stand, I can do no other," he declared, seamlessly blending his personal story with his defiance against the Church. Historians now see Luther's relatable approach as a clever tactic to connect with the common people. "By sharing his humble beginnings, Luther made his revolutionary ideas more accessible," said Dr. Hans Wurst, a Reformation scholar. As we commemorate the Diet of Worms, let's remember Luther not just as a reformer, but as a middle-class hero who knew how to captivate a crowd.

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog