Satan Cries Foul After Losing Eternal Soul Count on Good Friday

Allegations that Dominion belongs to God, the Fix is In

THE UNDERWORLD - In a shocking turn of events, the Dark Lord Satan has angrily disputed the results of the eternal soul count on Good Friday, claiming the system is "rigged" and that his victory over Christ has been stolen.

"This is a complete travesty of justice," a visibly distraught Satan told reporters from the depths of his fiery domain. "I had this thing won fair and square. The numbers were looking great for me right up until midnight, and then suddenly all these new souls started pouring in for Christ. It's a disgrace."

Satan went on to allege widespread demonic fraud, claiming that legions of his most loyal minions were prevented from collecting the souls of the damned due to what he called "outrageous" restrictions on underworld activities.

"They wouldn't let my best demons anywhere near the mortal realm," Satan fumed. "Chains, holy water, the name of Jesus - it was a total setup. The system is rigged against me, I tell you."

The Prince of Darkness said he plans to file a number of formal complaints with the Infernal Bureau of Soul Accounting and is considering launching a full-scale investigation into the matter.

"This isn't over," Satan warned ominously. "I'm going to fight this thing tooth and nail. Mark my words, I'll have my revenge, and Christ's unrighteous victory will be overturned. Hell hath no fury like a demon scorned."

At press time, Christ’s supporters were reportedly celebrating his surprise win with a glass of fine wine and a plate of unleavened bread.

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