Satan Cries Foul After Losing Eternal Soul Count on Good Friday

Allegations that Dominion belongs to God, the Fix is In

THE UNDERWORLD - In a shocking turn of events, the Dark Lord Satan has angrily disputed the results of the eternal soul count on Good Friday, claiming the system is "rigged" and that his victory over Christ has been stolen.

"This is a complete travesty of justice," a visibly distraught Satan told reporters from the depths of his fiery domain. "I had this thing won fair and square. The numbers were looking great for me right up until midnight, and then suddenly all these new souls started pouring in for Christ. It's a disgrace."

Satan went on to allege widespread demonic fraud, claiming that legions of his most loyal minions were prevented from collecting the souls of the damned due to what he called "outrageous" restrictions on underworld activities.

"They wouldn't let my best demons anywhere near the mortal realm," Satan fumed. "Chains, holy water, the name of Jesus - it was a total setup. The system is rigged against me, I tell you."

The Prince of Darkness said he plans to file a number of formal complaints with the Infernal Bureau of Soul Accounting and is considering launching a full-scale investigation into the matter.

"This isn't over," Satan warned ominously. "I'm going to fight this thing tooth and nail. Mark my words, I'll have my revenge, and Christ's unrighteous victory will be overturned. Hell hath no fury like a demon scorned."

At press time, Christ’s supporters were reportedly celebrating his surprise win with a glass of fine wine and a plate of unleavened bread.

Comments

Martin Luther’s Surprising Opening at the Diet of Worms: “I Grew Up In A Middle Class Family”

What He Could Be (Protestant), Unburdened By What Has Been (Rome) Worms, 1521 – Newly uncovered manuscripts reveal that Martin Luther's famous speech at the Diet of Worms began with an unexpected twist: "Let me start by saying that I grew up in a middle-class family." Luther's opening left the audience puzzled but intrigued. He quickly transitioned to his main argument, maintaining the fiery rhetoric we know today. "Here I stand, I can do no other," he declared, seamlessly blending his personal story with his defiance against the Church. Historians now see Luther's relatable approach as a clever tactic to connect with the common people. "By sharing his humble beginnings, Luther made his revolutionary ideas more accessible," said Dr. Hans Wurst, a Reformation scholar. As we commemorate the Diet of Worms, let's remember Luther not just as a reformer, but as a middle-class hero who knew how to captivate a crowd.

Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...

Satanists Boycott Halloween, Claim It's a Christian Holiday

Satanists Say No to Halloween, Yes to Satan: How a Religious Minority Is Challenging the Status Quo A group of satanists has announced that they will not be celebrating Halloween this year, citing religious reasons. The group, which calls itself the Church of Satan, said that Halloween is actually a Christian holiday that has been corrupted by commercialism and paganism. "Halloween is derived from All Hallows' Eve, the eve of the Christian feast of All Saints' Day," said a spokesperson for the Church of Satan. "It is a time when Christians honor their dead and pray for their souls. We, as satanists, do not believe in such superstitions and do not want to participate in this mockery of our faith." The spokesperson added that Halloween also promotes witchcraft, ghosts, vampires, zombies, and other supernatural creatures that have nothing to do with satanism. "We are not interested in dressing up as fictional characters or begging for candy from strangers....

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog