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Calvinists Admit They Don't Actually Understand Calvinism

Shocking Revelation Rocks the Reformed Community


GRAND RAPIDS, MI - In a stunning turn of events, leaders within the Calvinist community have come forward to admit that they, in fact, do not truly understand the theological system they so ardently defend.

"It's true, we don't get it," said Pastor Jeremiah Hardline, a prominent figure in the Reformed world. "If we really grasped the full implications of Calvinism, we'd all be Arminians by now."

The admission came during a closed-door meeting of the International Council of the Truly Reformed, where attendees reportedly spent several hours scratching their heads and murmuring, "Wait, what?"

"The more we tried to explain it, the more confused we got," lamented Dr. Ulysses Van Predestination, Dean of the Institute for Irresistible Grace. "We realized that the only way someone could genuinely understand Calvinism is if they didn't believe in it."

Insiders say the stunning revelation has sent shockwaves through the Reformed community, with many prominent Calvinists now quietly reconsidering their theological positions.

"I'm starting to think maybe we should just go back to being Lutherans," said one attendee, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "At least they seem to have a grasp on what they believe."

At press time, a growing number of Calvinists were seen wandering the streets, muttering, "Totally depraved? More like totally bewildered."

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