People NOT Named Russell Brand Also Getting Baptized

Evangelicals Unsure if Russell Brand's Baptism is Sincere, But Totally Fine With Random Nobodies Finding Jesus

ATLANTA, GA - In a shocking display of hypocrisy, evangelical Christians across America are expressing serious doubts about the sincerity of Russell Brand's recent baptism, while simultaneously accepting the faith conversions of countless unknown, non-famous individuals without a second thought.

"I just don't know if I buy Russell's whole born-again thing, you know?" said local megachurch pastor Reverend Tad Worthington. "The guy's been a notorious womanizer and drug addict for years. How can we be sure this isn't just another one of his publicity stunts?"

However, when asked about the baptisms of several random parishioners at his church that same morning, Worthington seemed far less skeptical.

"Oh, those folks? Yeah, their faith seems rock solid. No need to question their motives or sincerity at all," he said, giving a dismissive wave of his hand. "They don't have millions of Instagram followers, so we can trust they're not just doing it for attention."

Experts say this selective scrutiny of celebrity conversions versus non-famous believers is a common phenomenon within evangelical circles.

"It's the classic 'do as I say, not as I do' mentality," explained sociologist Dr. Pamela Grayson. "Evangelicals are all about calling out the moral failings of famous people, but when it comes to the average Joe finding Jesus, they're perfectly happy to take that at face value with no further inquiry."

Others in the faith seemed to agree. “Russell Brand’s conversion seems genuine,” said Pastor Prudence Pious. “But Mildred? Bob? They’ve been attending church for years. Who knows what sins they’ve committed—like stealing office supplies or secretly enjoying ‘The Bachelor’?”

And there you have it, folks. While Russell Brand’s spiritual journey is dissected like a frog in a high school biology class, Mildred and Bob slip under the radar. Perhaps it’s time we start scrutinizing the faith of everyday folks. After all, they’re the ones who’ve been quietly praying for Wi-Fi passwords and surviving potluck casseroles.

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UPDATE: At publishing time, sources confirmed that Reverend Worthington was in the process of planning a lavish, week-long baptism celebration for a wealthy, C-list reality TV star, while the baptisms of several poor, working-class congregants earlier that morning had gone completely unnoticed.

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