Skip to main content

Hell's Unemployment Crisis: Demons Lament as Temptation Goes Automated

Hell's HR Department Gets a Fiery Makeover




*By Powers and Principalities of the Air Correspondent

Pandemonium, Underworld — In a shocking turn of events, demons across the fiery realms of Hell have found themselves out of work. The recent increase in California's minimum wage has led to cutbacks in the demonic workforce, leaving many imps, succubi, and hellhounds without a paycheck. As automated temptation takes over, these infernal beings are facing an existential crisis.

The former CEO of Hell addressed the press with a heavy heart. "We've always been the backbone of sin," he lamented, adjusting his pitchfork tie. "From whispering forbidden thoughts to politicians to inspiring terrible reality TV shows, we've done it all. But now? Now we're obsolete, like Betamax tapes or AOL CDs."

The demon layoffs have hit entry-level imps the hardest. A freshly unemployed tempter shared his frustration. "I've been spreading greed and envy for centuries," he grumbled, his sulfuric breath curling the air. "And what do I get? A pink slip and a one-way ticket to the Ninth Circle. Thanks, liberals!"
But it's not just the demons who are suffering. A succubus with a baby nephilim to feed spoke tearfully about her predicament. "I used to seduce mortals with finesse," she said, cradling her half-demonic offspring. "Now it's all automated dating apps and swipe-left culture. My little nephilim deserves better."

The demons' grievances extend beyond unemployment. A former chief tempter revealed his disappointment in the political landscape. "We always supported the liberals," he grumbled, adjusting his flaming tie. "We thought they'd appreciate our work—after all, they're experts at temptation too. But this minimum wage hike? It's like they're saying, 'Sorry, demons, your services are no longer needed.'"

In a desperate attempt to make ends meet, some demons have turned to alternative careers. The demon of greed now runs a soulless startup called "HellMart." "We sell pitchforks, brimstone-scented candles, and artisanal lava lamps," he explained. "Business is slow, but we're hoping for an IPO soon."
Meanwhile, the former Lord of the Flies has taken up gardening. "I've got this prime piece of real estate in the underworld," he said proudly, gesturing toward a bubbling lava pit. "Thinking of growing some infernal tomatoes. Organic, of course."

As the demons adjust to their new reality, they're left pondering the cosmic irony. "We thought we were eternal," a fallen angel turned freelance tempter mused. "But now we're just another casualty of progress. Maybe we should've unionized."

In the midst of this infernal upheaval, one thing remains clear: Hell's economy is in turmoil. Automated temptation may be efficient, but it lacks the personal touch—the whispered promises, the seductive glances, the occasional demonic pun. As the demons file for unemployment benefits, they can't help but wonder: Is this the end of an era? Or just a temporary glitch in the matrix?

*Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual demons, succubi, or nephilim is purely coincidental. No demons were harmed in the making of this piece.*

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Border Patrol Sends Steven Anderson to Armenia Over Misunderstanding

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pastor Jane's Inappropriate Relationships Spark Cheers of 'Yaaaaasss Queen' Amidst Ecclesiastical Double Standards

Breaking the Stained-Glass Ceiling: Pastor Jane's Scandalous Path to Feminist Icon Status In a groundbreaking moment for ecclesiastical equality, Pastor Jane Doe has become a beacon of feminist empowerment after being caught in a series of inappropriate relationships with male congregants. Her actions have sparked a wave of support, with many hailing her as a "Yaaaaasss Queen" for shattering the stained-glass ceiling. While male pastors have historically faced defrocking for similar indiscretions, Pastor Jane's case has been celebrated as a triumph of modern feminism. "Why should men have all the fun?" quipped one supporter, highlighting the double standards that have long plagued religious institutions. Critics, however, point to biblical texts that traditionally restrict the role of pastor to men and suggest women should remain silent in church. Yet, Pastor Jane's followers argue that these interpretations are outdated and patriarchal. "If she can...
Post a Comment
Read more

Once Judeo-Christian Nation Watches Debate To Determine Which Immoral Reprobate Best Qualified to Lead

Nation’s Moral Compass Goes Haywire, Formally Resigns Following Debate Philadelphia - In a spectacle that could only be described as a divine comedy, the nation once hailed as a "Judeo-Christian" nation gathered to watch the presidential debate, eager to determine which immoral reprobate would best lead them forward. The candidates, both seasoned in the art of moral ambiguity, took the stage with the confidence of televangelists at a Sunday sermon.   As the candidates took the stage, the audience was treated to a spectacle reminiscent of a reality show, complete with mudslinging and moral gymnastics that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush. One candidate, known for his "alternative facts," argued passionately that he had the best rallies in the history of political rallies, while another claimed to be “unburdened by the past” [but still current] administration’s numerous international scandals and blunders, promising that to fix everything she h...
Post a Comment
Read more