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Hell's Unemployment Crisis: Demons Lament as Temptation Goes Automated

Hell's HR Department Gets a Fiery Makeover




*By Powers and Principalities of the Air Correspondent

Pandemonium, Underworld — In a shocking turn of events, demons across the fiery realms of Hell have found themselves out of work. The recent increase in California's minimum wage has led to cutbacks in the demonic workforce, leaving many imps, succubi, and hellhounds without a paycheck. As automated temptation takes over, these infernal beings are facing an existential crisis.

The former CEO of Hell addressed the press with a heavy heart. "We've always been the backbone of sin," he lamented, adjusting his pitchfork tie. "From whispering forbidden thoughts to politicians to inspiring terrible reality TV shows, we've done it all. But now? Now we're obsolete, like Betamax tapes or AOL CDs."

The demon layoffs have hit entry-level imps the hardest. A freshly unemployed tempter shared his frustration. "I've been spreading greed and envy for centuries," he grumbled, his sulfuric breath curling the air. "And what do I get? A pink slip and a one-way ticket to the Ninth Circle. Thanks, liberals!"
But it's not just the demons who are suffering. A succubus with a baby nephilim to feed spoke tearfully about her predicament. "I used to seduce mortals with finesse," she said, cradling her half-demonic offspring. "Now it's all automated dating apps and swipe-left culture. My little nephilim deserves better."

The demons' grievances extend beyond unemployment. A former chief tempter revealed his disappointment in the political landscape. "We always supported the liberals," he grumbled, adjusting his flaming tie. "We thought they'd appreciate our work—after all, they're experts at temptation too. But this minimum wage hike? It's like they're saying, 'Sorry, demons, your services are no longer needed.'"

In a desperate attempt to make ends meet, some demons have turned to alternative careers. The demon of greed now runs a soulless startup called "HellMart." "We sell pitchforks, brimstone-scented candles, and artisanal lava lamps," he explained. "Business is slow, but we're hoping for an IPO soon."
Meanwhile, the former Lord of the Flies has taken up gardening. "I've got this prime piece of real estate in the underworld," he said proudly, gesturing toward a bubbling lava pit. "Thinking of growing some infernal tomatoes. Organic, of course."

As the demons adjust to their new reality, they're left pondering the cosmic irony. "We thought we were eternal," a fallen angel turned freelance tempter mused. "But now we're just another casualty of progress. Maybe we should've unionized."

In the midst of this infernal upheaval, one thing remains clear: Hell's economy is in turmoil. Automated temptation may be efficient, but it lacks the personal touch—the whispered promises, the seductive glances, the occasional demonic pun. As the demons file for unemployment benefits, they can't help but wonder: Is this the end of an era? Or just a temporary glitch in the matrix?

*Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual demons, succubi, or nephilim is purely coincidental. No demons were harmed in the making of this piece.*

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