Skip to main content

Hell's Unemployment Crisis: Demons Lament as Temptation Goes Automated

Hell's HR Department Gets a Fiery Makeover




*By Powers and Principalities of the Air Correspondent

Pandemonium, Underworld — In a shocking turn of events, demons across the fiery realms of Hell have found themselves out of work. The recent increase in California's minimum wage has led to cutbacks in the demonic workforce, leaving many imps, succubi, and hellhounds without a paycheck. As automated temptation takes over, these infernal beings are facing an existential crisis.

The former CEO of Hell addressed the press with a heavy heart. "We've always been the backbone of sin," he lamented, adjusting his pitchfork tie. "From whispering forbidden thoughts to politicians to inspiring terrible reality TV shows, we've done it all. But now? Now we're obsolete, like Betamax tapes or AOL CDs."

The demon layoffs have hit entry-level imps the hardest. A freshly unemployed tempter shared his frustration. "I've been spreading greed and envy for centuries," he grumbled, his sulfuric breath curling the air. "And what do I get? A pink slip and a one-way ticket to the Ninth Circle. Thanks, liberals!"
But it's not just the demons who are suffering. A succubus with a baby nephilim to feed spoke tearfully about her predicament. "I used to seduce mortals with finesse," she said, cradling her half-demonic offspring. "Now it's all automated dating apps and swipe-left culture. My little nephilim deserves better."

The demons' grievances extend beyond unemployment. A former chief tempter revealed his disappointment in the political landscape. "We always supported the liberals," he grumbled, adjusting his flaming tie. "We thought they'd appreciate our work—after all, they're experts at temptation too. But this minimum wage hike? It's like they're saying, 'Sorry, demons, your services are no longer needed.'"

In a desperate attempt to make ends meet, some demons have turned to alternative careers. The demon of greed now runs a soulless startup called "HellMart." "We sell pitchforks, brimstone-scented candles, and artisanal lava lamps," he explained. "Business is slow, but we're hoping for an IPO soon."
Meanwhile, the former Lord of the Flies has taken up gardening. "I've got this prime piece of real estate in the underworld," he said proudly, gesturing toward a bubbling lava pit. "Thinking of growing some infernal tomatoes. Organic, of course."

As the demons adjust to their new reality, they're left pondering the cosmic irony. "We thought we were eternal," a fallen angel turned freelance tempter mused. "But now we're just another casualty of progress. Maybe we should've unionized."

In the midst of this infernal upheaval, one thing remains clear: Hell's economy is in turmoil. Automated temptation may be efficient, but it lacks the personal touch—the whispered promises, the seductive glances, the occasional demonic pun. As the demons file for unemployment benefits, they can't help but wonder: Is this the end of an era? Or just a temporary glitch in the matrix?

*Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual demons, succubi, or nephilim is purely coincidental. No demons were harmed in the making of this piece.*

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu...
Post a Comment
Read more

If You’re Reading This, You Were Left Behind…

…Unless the Dispies Were Wrong (Again) Left Behind: A Practical Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse Redmond, WA — So, you've been left behind. Either the dispensationalists were wrong about the eclipse, or you were too busy binge-watching cat videos during the rapture. Fear not! As the world descends into chaos, here's your step-by-step guide to navigating the great tribulation: 1. Acceptance and Denial First, take a deep breath. You're still here, and that's both a blessing and a curse. Denial is natural. Maybe you're just in a really long line at the celestial DMV, waiting for your turn to ascend. But let's face it: You're stuck on Earth, and the Wi-Fi is terrible. 2. Locate Your Emergency Bunker Remember that walk-in closet you've been using as a storage dump for old shoes and broken dreams? It's now your panic room. Clear out the clutter, stock up on essentials, and make it cozy. Add some motivational posters like "Hang in There, Left-Behinder...
Post a Comment
Read more

Border Patrol Sends Steven Anderson to Armenia Over Misunderstanding

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson...
Post a Comment
Read more