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If You’re Reading This, You Were Left Behind…

…Unless the Dispies Were Wrong (Again)




Left Behind: A Practical Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse


Redmond, WA — So, you've been left behind. Either the dispensationalists were wrong about the eclipse, or you were too busy binge-watching cat videos during the rapture. Fear not! As the world descends into chaos, here's your step-by-step guide to navigating the great tribulation:

1. Acceptance and Denial

First, take a deep breath. You're still here, and that's both a blessing and a curse. Denial is natural. Maybe you're just in a really long line at the celestial DMV, waiting for your turn to ascend. But let's face it: You're stuck on Earth, and the Wi-Fi is terrible.

2. Locate Your Emergency Bunker

Remember that walk-in closet you've been using as a storage dump for old shoes and broken dreams? It's now your panic room. Clear out the clutter, stock up on essentials, and make it cozy. Add some motivational posters like "Hang in There, Left-Behinder!" and "You Survived Y2K; You Can Survive This."

3. Essentials for the Apocalypse

a. Canned Goods and Apocalypse Cuisine

Your diet will consist of canned beans, Spam, and whatever expired condiments you find in the back of the fridge. Get creative! Mix ketchup with mustard and call it "End-of-Days Sauce." Remember, presentation matters even when civilization doesn't.

b. Holy Water and Demon Repellent

Demons are like mosquitoes—annoying, hard to swat, and occasionally possessive. Keep a spray bottle of holy water handy. Spritz it around your panic room to keep evil spirits at bay. If a demon shows up, negotiate. Offer it a Sudoku puzzle or a Sudoku-themed jigsaw puzzle. Demons love Sudoku.

c. Survival Fashion

Say goodbye to your business suits and hello to apocalypse chic. Leather chaps, spiky shoulder pads, and a gas mask (because who knows what's in the air these days). Remember, you're not just surviving; you're making a statement. Fashion-forward meets end-of-the-world backward.

4. Master Post-Apocalyptic Small Talk

When you encounter horsemen of the apocalypse, avoid controversial topics like climate change and whether pineapple belongs on pizza. Instead, try these conversation starters:

- War: "So, War, do you prefer broadswords or battle axes?"
- Famine: "Famine, any tips for growing kale in radioactive soil?"
- Pestilence: "Pestilence, have you tried essential oils for your horse's cough?"

5. Entertainment Options

Staying sane during the tribulation is crucial. Here are some entertainment ideas:

- Apocalypse Karaoke: Sing your heart out to "Highway to Hell" or "I Will Survive." Bonus points if you hit the high notes during seismic tremors.

- End-Times Bingo: Create bingo cards with apocalyptic events. Mark off squares when you spot locust swarms, rivers turning to blood, or reality TV stars becoming world leaders.

- DIY Prophecies: Write your own prophecies. "And lo, the Wi-Fi password shall be 'Armageddon123.'"

In Conclusion

Being left behind isn't the end of the world—well, technically, it is, but you get my point. Embrace your newfound purpose: surviving, snacking, and making awkward small talk with horsemen. And remember, if all else fails, just blame it on the abacus.

Stay tuned for our next article: "How to Turn Water Into Wine (and Other Party Tricks) During the Apocalypse." Cheers, fellow left-behinder! Unless, of course, the Dispensationalists were wrong… again.

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