Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core"

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality.

The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers.

"Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper."

Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensuality and eroticism. "The Bible is full of passionate, sensual language - 'Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle' - this is the word of the Lord!" Piper exclaimed. "Who are we to say that male strippers aren't expressing the full, God-given glory of human sexuality?"

The 78-year-old theologian then proceeded to strip off his suit jacket and tie, flexing his biceps for the assembled journalists. "This is what it means to be a real man of God," Piper said, gyrating his hips suggestively. "Driscoll and his ilk are afraid of their own bodies and desires. But not me - I'm embracing the erotic core of my faith!"

Piper's unexpected defense of male strippers has divided the evangelical community, with some praising his "sex-positive" theology and others condemning him as a heretic. Driscoll, for his part, has refused to comment, reportedly holed up in his study furiously writing a new book on the evils of "stripper culture."

As for the male strippers themselves, many have expressed gratitude for Piper's support. "It's nice to finally have a prominent Christian leader recognize the spiritual value of our work," said one exotic dancer who goes by the stage name "Thor." "Maybe now people will stop looking at us like we're the spawn of Satan."

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