Local Presbyterian Church Launches "Re-Baptism" Program to Correct Immersion Errors
ANYTOWN, USA - In a controversial move, the First Presbyterian Church of Anytown has announced a new program to "re-baptize" members of the congregation who were previously baptized by immersion at other churches.
"Immersion baptism is simply unbiblical," declared Reverend Percival Fitzwilliam, the senior pastor. "The true symbol of cleansing and renewal is the gentle sprinkling of water from above, not the violent dunking associated with judgment and death."
Citing biblical references to the Great Flood, where the wicked were destroyed by being submerged in water, and the Egyptians who drowned in the Red Sea, Fitzwilliam argued that immersion represents a "baptism of condemnation" rather than salvation.
"In contrast, the rain that fell on Noah's ark and the Israelites as they crossed the Red Sea was a symbol of God's blessing and purification," he explained. "That is the true essence of Christian baptism - the cleansing touch of the divine, not the crushing weight of the waters."
The new "re-baptism" program will offer members the opportunity to undergo a brief sprinkling ceremony to "correct" their previous immersion. Those who refuse will reportedly be shunned from the congregation and denied access to the church's weekly potluck dinners.
"We're just trying to bring our flock back in line with proper Reformed theology," Fitzwilliam said. "After all, who are we to argue with the clear teachings of Scripture?"
When asked for comment, several members were seen hastily filling out transfer paperwork to nearby Baptist and Pentecostal churches.
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