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Calvinist Claims Pineapple Pizza Proves Total Depravity

Calvinist Claims Pineapple Pizza Proves Total Depravity

The ham and pineapple pizza is credited to the late Sam Panopoulos of Ontario, Canada who dubbed it the “Hawaiian” pizza in honor of the source of his pineapple. The term, however, is generally rejected by many Hawaiian locals because it is not an example nor representation of their traditional cuisine.


*Bellflower, CA —* In a theological twist that's sure to stir up more than just sauce and cheese, local Calvinist theologian Cornelius "Cal" Grumbleton has declared that the existence of pineapple on pizza is undeniable proof of humanity's total depravity.


During a spirited debate with Provisionist Percy "Pineapple Pete" Pizzalover, Grumbleton pulled out a slice of pineapple pizza, much to the audience's gasp, as his trump card.


"Behold, the very embodiment of our fallen nature," Grumbleton proclaimed, holding the controversial slice aloft. "This pineapple pizza is not just a crime against culinary arts; it is evidence of our inherent sinfulness. For only a totally depraved soul could corrupt the sanctity of pizza in such a manner."


Pizzalover, known for his love of the tropical topping, was quick to retort, claiming that pineapple pizza was simply a matter of personal preference and not a sign of moral decay.


"My esteemed opponent would have you believe that our pizza choices reflect our salvation," Pizzalover argued. "But I say unto you, the freedom to choose pineapple is a testament to the divine gift of free will!"


The debate raged on, with Grumbleton asserting that the very existence of pineapple pizza lovers among us is a clear sign that without divine intervention, humanity is incapable of choosing good on its own.


"If left to our own devices, we choose pineapple, anchovies, and even—dare I say—bananas on pizza," Grumbleton declared, eliciting shudders from the crowd. "This is why we need grace, for we cannot trust our own taste buds to lead us to righteousness."


As the debate concluded, no consensus was reached, but attendees left with a newfound theological perspective on their dinner choices. Grumbleton's final words echoed through the hall:


"Let this pineapple pizza be a reminder of our need for divine guidance, for without it, we are lost in a sea of questionable toppings."


The debate has since sparked a series of discussions across various denominations, with many pondering the implications of their pizza preferences. Meanwhile, pizzerias report a spike in pineapple pizza orders, suggesting that perhaps the debate has only whetted appetites for the controversial dish.


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For more theological insights and pizza-related ponderings, tune in next week when we tackle the question: "Is dipping pizza in ranch dressing a culinary sin or a saucy salvation?"



*Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are for satirical purposes and do not necessarily reflect the official stance of any church, pizzeria, or native culture.

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