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Church Converts to Communism After Test Exposes Red Sympathizers

Rapture of the Reds: Entire Church Converts to Communism After Denominational Test



DAMASCUS, VA - In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the Christian world, every single member of the First Baptist Church of Damascus has converted to communism after taking a denominational test designed to help them find their theological leanings.

The trouble began when Pastor Jim Bob Cooter introduced a new "Spiritual Enneagram" test during last Sunday's service. Designed to match congregants with their ideal Christian denomination, the test instead revealed that every member's beliefs aligned perfectly with the CCP's Three Self Patriotic Movement - a state-sanctioned sect of Christianity in China that requires churches to adhere to strict communist doctrine.

"I just can't believe it," said a visibly shaken Cooter. "One minute we were all good God-fearing Baptists, and the next we're a bunch of Mao-worshipping reds! I thought at worst maybe we'd get some Presbyterians or Anglicans in the bunch, but full-blown communists? The Lord works in extremely mysterious ways."

Within hours of the test results, the transformation was complete. The church was re-named the People's Baptist Cathedral, and its classic Georgian architecture had been hastily renovated with drab brutalist concrete slabs. Stained glass windows depicting biblical scenes were covered over with portraits of Marx, Lenin, and Mao. And the choir loft was occupied by goose-stepping young pioneers preparing to provide musical accompaniment to the day's first round of self-criticisms.

"I used to believe in the sanctity of private property and free enterprise," said former Sunday School teacher Miriam Wilcox while struggling to keep her Mao book bag from falling open and spilling its contents of Little Red Books and pictures of Xi Jinping onto the floor. "But now I understand that those were just tools of the bourgeois oppressors. From each according to their ability, to each according to their need - that's what the Lord teaches us."

When asked about potential conflicts between Christianity and Marxist-Leninist philosophy, Cooter remained steadfastly positive. "Well, you've got to break a few eggs to make an omelet. There are certainly some theological gaps to bridge between our new ideology and scripture. But if you look at it through a hermeneutic of Marxist literary analysis, you'll see that the core message is the same - uplift the poor and oppressed and seize the means of production from the wealthy. That's just what Jesus was getting at with all those 'Blessed are the meek' sayings."

Skeptics who believed the mass conversion was a Chinese psy-op were initially branded "conspiracy theorists" and threatened with being sent to Xinjiang camps. However, in a surprising twist, those skeptics were instead offered lucrative jobs at Nike and Apple assembly lines, where they could put their industrious communist values into practice by toiling long hours for the greater good of the Party. They have not been heard from since, allegedly due to all of the generous opportunities to work overtime.

At publishing time, the newly re-branded People's Baptist Cathedral had announced the launch of a 5-year plan to increase the production of casseroles by 10,000%.

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