“Frozen Chosen” Presby Turns Up Thermostat, Starts Revival

Frozen Chosen Matron's Meddling Melts Icy Decorum

CHILLTOWN, MI - An ordinary Sunday morning service at the First Presbyterian Church of Chilltown took an unexpected charismatic turn this past weekend, all thanks to one woman's battle against the dreaded "frozen chosen" stereotype.

According to multiple eye-witness accounts, long-time member Gladys Farnsworth, 72, arrived at the 11 a.m. traditional service dressed in a heavy parka, mittens, and a wool cap - her usual attire for combating the meat-locker temperatures that have made First Pres infamous among other local congregations.

"I'm just sick of being called a 'frozen chosen' Presbyterian," a defiant Mrs. Farnsworth told reporters. "We're supposed to be the warm, welcoming, 'broad tent' denomination. But it's hard to extend that welcome when you're shivering like a sauna-deprived Swede!"

Upon realizing that the janitor had accidentally left the sanctuary thermostat unlocked, the plucky pensioner seized her opportunity. Within minutes, the dial was cranked up and the furnace was blasting hot air throughout the drafty chamber.

"All of a sudden, folks started peeling off their parkas and sweaters," said one confused parishioner. "A few of the old-timers even removed their wigs, revealing bald heads glistening with perspiration. It was...disconcerting."

As the temperatures rose higher, so did the fervor. Spontaneous bouts of shouting, raising of hands, and speaking in tongues erupted from the pews. The staid liturgy soon devolved into a raucous, revival-style scene of uninhibited celebration.

"I got so carried away, I ended up hugging the person next to me - my own wife!" exclaimed elder Ebenezer Farnsworth, 75. "We're Presbyterians, for piety's sake. We haven't even held hands in public for decades!"

Unfortunately for the revelers, the party came to an abrupt end when Mr. Farnsworth discovered the rogue thermostat adjustment. Outraged at his wife's spiritual subterfuge, he allegedly began "speaking in tongues" - though witnesses described it more as a sputtering stream of unintelligible invective.

The irate elder then switched off the heat, restoring the icy temperatures and decorous decorum. As the congregants rapidly re-froze, the spontaneous revival sputtered out like a cold campfire.

"It was a glimpse of holy pandemonium while it lasted," sighed Mrs. Farnsworth wistfully. "But I guess you can't defrost the frozen chosen that easily. We'll just have to embrace our icy spiritual identities."

When asked for comment, Rev. Elihu Coldstream, First Pres' minister, remained noncommittal: "While we Presbyterians believe in the movement of the Holy Spirit, that movement should never cause excessive perspiration. Decency and good order must be maintained at all times."