“Frozen Chosen” Presby Turns Up Thermostat, Starts Revival

Frozen Chosen Matron's Meddling Melts Icy Decorum

CHILLTOWN, MI - An ordinary Sunday morning service at the First Presbyterian Church of Chilltown took an unexpected charismatic turn this past weekend, all thanks to one woman's battle against the dreaded "frozen chosen" stereotype.

According to multiple eye-witness accounts, long-time member Gladys Farnsworth, 72, arrived at the 11 a.m. traditional service dressed in a heavy parka, mittens, and a wool cap - her usual attire for combating the meat-locker temperatures that have made First Pres infamous among other local congregations.

"I'm just sick of being called a 'frozen chosen' Presbyterian," a defiant Mrs. Farnsworth told reporters. "We're supposed to be the warm, welcoming, 'broad tent' denomination. But it's hard to extend that welcome when you're shivering like a sauna-deprived Swede!"

Upon realizing that the janitor had accidentally left the sanctuary thermostat unlocked, the plucky pensioner seized her opportunity. Within minutes, the dial was cranked up and the furnace was blasting hot air throughout the drafty chamber.

"All of a sudden, folks started peeling off their parkas and sweaters," said one confused parishioner. "A few of the old-timers even removed their wigs, revealing bald heads glistening with perspiration. It was...disconcerting."

As the temperatures rose higher, so did the fervor. Spontaneous bouts of shouting, raising of hands, and speaking in tongues erupted from the pews. The staid liturgy soon devolved into a raucous, revival-style scene of uninhibited celebration.

"I got so carried away, I ended up hugging the person next to me - my own wife!" exclaimed elder Ebenezer Farnsworth, 75. "We're Presbyterians, for piety's sake. We haven't even held hands in public for decades!"

Unfortunately for the revelers, the party came to an abrupt end when Mr. Farnsworth discovered the rogue thermostat adjustment. Outraged at his wife's spiritual subterfuge, he allegedly began "speaking in tongues" - though witnesses described it more as a sputtering stream of unintelligible invective.

The irate elder then switched off the heat, restoring the icy temperatures and decorous decorum. As the congregants rapidly re-froze, the spontaneous revival sputtered out like a cold campfire.

"It was a glimpse of holy pandemonium while it lasted," sighed Mrs. Farnsworth wistfully. "But I guess you can't defrost the frozen chosen that easily. We'll just have to embrace our icy spiritual identities."

When asked for comment, Rev. Elihu Coldstream, First Pres' minister, remained noncommittal: "While we Presbyterians believe in the movement of the Holy Spirit, that movement should never cause excessive perspiration. Decency and good order must be maintained at all times."

Comments

Martin Luther’s Surprising Opening at the Diet of Worms: “I Grew Up In A Middle Class Family”

What He Could Be (Protestant), Unburdened By What Has Been (Rome) Worms, 1521 – Newly uncovered manuscripts reveal that Martin Luther's famous speech at the Diet of Worms began with an unexpected twist: "Let me start by saying that I grew up in a middle-class family." Luther's opening left the audience puzzled but intrigued. He quickly transitioned to his main argument, maintaining the fiery rhetoric we know today. "Here I stand, I can do no other," he declared, seamlessly blending his personal story with his defiance against the Church. Historians now see Luther's relatable approach as a clever tactic to connect with the common people. "By sharing his humble beginnings, Luther made his revolutionary ideas more accessible," said Dr. Hans Wurst, a Reformation scholar. As we commemorate the Diet of Worms, let's remember Luther not just as a reformer, but as a middle-class hero who knew how to captivate a crowd.

Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...

Satanists Boycott Halloween, Claim It's a Christian Holiday

Satanists Say No to Halloween, Yes to Satan: How a Religious Minority Is Challenging the Status Quo A group of satanists has announced that they will not be celebrating Halloween this year, citing religious reasons. The group, which calls itself the Church of Satan, said that Halloween is actually a Christian holiday that has been corrupted by commercialism and paganism. "Halloween is derived from All Hallows' Eve, the eve of the Christian feast of All Saints' Day," said a spokesperson for the Church of Satan. "It is a time when Christians honor their dead and pray for their souls. We, as satanists, do not believe in such superstitions and do not want to participate in this mockery of our faith." The spokesperson added that Halloween also promotes witchcraft, ghosts, vampires, zombies, and other supernatural creatures that have nothing to do with satanism. "We are not interested in dressing up as fictional characters or begging for candy from strangers....

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog