Skip to main content

JMac Claims Arminianism Doesn't Exist, Like All the Other Mental Disorders

"Arminianism? More like Arm-in-a-sling-ianism!"


SANTA CLARITA, CA - In a shocking announcement this week, prominent Calvinist pastor John MacArthur declared that the theological system of Arminianism is not a real thing. 

"Arminianism? Never heard of it," MacArthur told reporters at a press conference. "Sounds like some made-up nonsense to me. Just like those so-called 'mental disorders' like ADHD and PTSD. Those aren't real either."

MacArthur, known for his hardline Calvinist views and opposition to contemporary psychology, went on to explain that the entire concept of Arminianism, which emphasizes human free will and the possibility of losing one's salvation, is simply a figment of people's imaginations.

"It's all part of Satan's deception to get people to think they have some kind of 'free will' and can 'choose' to follow Christ," MacArthur said. "We all know that's impossible. God predestines everything, period. Arminianism? Nope, doesn't exist."

The pastor then pivoted to dismissing other well-established theological and psychological concepts, including Molinism, Pelagianism, and the entire field of psychiatry.

"These are all just made-up ideas by liberals and heretics to undermine the true faith," MacArthur declared. "I'm going to keep preaching the real gospel of Calvinism, where we have no free will and God controls everything. Because that's the only reality that exists."

At publishing time, MacArthur had also announced plans to publish a new book titled "Everything You Believe is a Lie: Why Your Mind Isn't Real."

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu...

If You’re Reading This, You Were Left Behind…

…Unless the Dispies Were Wrong (Again) Left Behind: A Practical Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse Redmond, WA — So, you've been left behind. Either the dispensationalists were wrong about the eclipse, or you were too busy binge-watching cat videos during the rapture. Fear not! As the world descends into chaos, here's your step-by-step guide to navigating the great tribulation: 1. Acceptance and Denial First, take a deep breath. You're still here, and that's both a blessing and a curse. Denial is natural. Maybe you're just in a really long line at the celestial DMV, waiting for your turn to ascend. But let's face it: You're stuck on Earth, and the Wi-Fi is terrible. 2. Locate Your Emergency Bunker Remember that walk-in closet you've been using as a storage dump for old shoes and broken dreams? It's now your panic room. Clear out the clutter, stock up on essentials, and make it cozy. Add some motivational posters like "Hang in There, Left-Behinder...

Border Patrol Sends Steven Anderson to Armenia Over Misunderstanding

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson...