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Man Buys Reformed Dog-matics, But Pet Still Won’t Reform

Fido the Calvinist Pup? Not Quite




Bram Jansen had a brilliant idea - reform his beloved Golden Retriever Fido by reading him the classic theological work "Reformed Dogmatics" by Herman Bavinck. After all, it's called "Dog-matics," right?


Bram an avid reader and self-proclaimed theologian, had high hopes for his furry companion. "I thought, why not elevate Fido's spiritual life?" he explained. "Maybe he'd start quoting Calvin and debating predestination at the dog park."


With enthusiasm, Bram dove into the first volume, passionately reciting Bavinck's deep insights on scriptural authority and the nature of God. Poor Fido just stared blankly, his tail thumping in confusion.


"Get it, boy? The dogma? The truth?" Bram pleaded, undeterred by Fido's obvious lack of comprehension.


Weeks went by in this fruitless endeavor. Bram's zeal never waned, even as Fido remained stubbornly unreformed.  


However, after diligently reading through the first volume, Fido remained unimpressed. Instead of engaging in deep theological discussions, he continued to chase his tail and bark at the mailman. Bram was baffled. "I mean, I highlighted all the important passages for him," he lamented. "But it's like he's more interested in squirrel theology."


The breaking point came when Bram desperately used Fido's favorite chew toy as a visual aid to get his attention, vigorously waving it as he exposited Bavinck's finer points. In an instant, the slobber-drenched toy was snatched away, and Fido joyfully gnawed it to oblivion, showering the room with stuffing.


Dejected, Bram relegated the remaining volumes of the intact "Reformed Dogmatics" set to a shelf, resigned to more age-appropriate readings for his pup, like the Beginner's Bible. Fido's life calling, it seemed, was chasing squirrels rather than chasing theological rabbits.


While "Reformed Dogmatics" failed to reform the dog, it certainly provided an important life lesson for Bram - some truths are just too deep for man's best friend.

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