Man Buys Reformed Dog-matics, But Pet Still Won’t Reform

Fido the Calvinist Pup? Not Quite

Bram Jansen had a brilliant idea - reform his beloved Golden Retriever Fido by reading him the classic theological work "Reformed Dogmatics" by Herman Bavinck. After all, it's called "Dog-matics," right?

Bram an avid reader and self-proclaimed theologian, had high hopes for his furry companion. "I thought, why not elevate Fido's spiritual life?" he explained. "Maybe he'd start quoting Calvin and debating predestination at the dog park."

With enthusiasm, Bram dove into the first volume, passionately reciting Bavinck's deep insights on scriptural authority and the nature of God. Poor Fido just stared blankly, his tail thumping in confusion.

"Get it, boy? The dogma? The truth?" Bram pleaded, undeterred by Fido's obvious lack of comprehension.

Weeks went by in this fruitless endeavor. Bram's zeal never waned, even as Fido remained stubbornly unreformed.

However, after diligently reading through the first volume, Fido remained unimpressed. Instead of engaging in deep theological discussions, he continued to chase his tail and bark at the mailman. Bram was baffled. "I mean, I highlighted all the important passages for him," he lamented. "But it's like he's more interested in squirrel theology."

The breaking point came when Bram desperately used Fido's favorite chew toy as a visual aid to get his attention, vigorously waving it as he exposited Bavinck's finer points. In an instant, the slobber-drenched toy was snatched away, and Fido joyfully gnawed it to oblivion, showering the room with stuffing.

Dejected, Bram relegated the remaining volumes of the intact "Reformed Dogmatics" set to a shelf, resigned to more age-appropriate readings for his pup, like the Beginner's Bible. Fido's life calling, it seemed, was chasing squirrels rather than chasing theological rabbits.

While "Reformed Dogmatics" failed to reform the dog, it certainly provided an important life lesson for Bram - some truths are just too deep for man's best friend.

Comments

Border Patrol Sends Steven Anderson to Armenia Over Misunderstanding

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson...

Pastor Jane's Inappropriate Relationships Spark Cheers of 'Yaaaaasss Queen' Amidst Ecclesiastical Double Standards

Breaking the Stained-Glass Ceiling: Pastor Jane's Scandalous Path to Feminist Icon Status In a groundbreaking moment for ecclesiastical equality, Pastor Jane Doe has become a beacon of feminist empowerment after being caught in a series of inappropriate relationships with male congregants. Her actions have sparked a wave of support, with many hailing her as a "Yaaaaasss Queen" for shattering the stained-glass ceiling. While male pastors have historically faced defrocking for similar indiscretions, Pastor Jane's case has been celebrated as a triumph of modern feminism. "Why should men have all the fun?" quipped one supporter, highlighting the double standards that have long plagued religious institutions. Critics, however, point to biblical texts that traditionally restrict the role of pastor to men and suggest women should remain silent in church. Yet, Pastor Jane's followers argue that these interpretations are outdated and patriarchal. "If she can...

Once Judeo-Christian Nation Watches Debate To Determine Which Immoral Reprobate Best Qualified to Lead

Nation’s Moral Compass Goes Haywire, Formally Resigns Following Debate Philadelphia - In a spectacle that could only be described as a divine comedy, the nation once hailed as a "Judeo-Christian" nation gathered to watch the presidential debate, eager to determine which immoral reprobate would best lead them forward. The candidates, both seasoned in the art of moral ambiguity, took the stage with the confidence of televangelists at a Sunday sermon. As the candidates took the stage, the audience was treated to a spectacle reminiscent of a reality show, complete with mudslinging and moral gymnastics that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush. One candidate, known for his "alternative facts," argued passionately that he had the best rallies in the history of political rallies, while another claimed to be “unburdened by the past” [but still current] administration’s numerous international scandals and blunders, promising that to fix everything she h...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog