Woman Prefers Debating Bear Over Calvinist Theologian

"At least the bear won't quote John Calvin at me for hours," says exasperated local

Chino, CA - In a shocking turn of events, local woman Beatrice Winslow has publicly declared that she would much rather engage in a lively debate with a grizzly bear than sit across from a Calvinist theologian. 

"Look, I get that bears can be dangerous and all, but at least they're honest about their nature," Winslow stated in a recent interview. "With a Calvinist, you're just going to get a relentless barrage of predestination this and total depravity that. I'd rather take my chances with sharp teeth and claws than sit through another argument about limited atonement."

Winslow went on to explain that her aversion to Calvinist theology stems from a traumatic experience in her youth, when she was forced to attend a revival meeting led by a particularly zealous Reformed pastor.

"He kept going on and on about how we're all just totally worthless sinners destined for hell unless we accept Jesus as our personal Lord and Savior," Winslow recalled with a shudder. "I'm pretty sure I left that place with PTSD. At least a bear would just maul me and get it over with, you know?"

When pressed further, Winslow admitted that she would even be willing to debate the bear on topics like free will, the nature of the atonement, and the perseverance of the saints. 

"Sure, the bear might not have the most nuanced theological perspective, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about it quoting obscure 16th century Reformers at me for hours on end," she said. "Plus, I bet I could make a bear laugh more than any Calvinist I've ever met."

At the time of publication, Winslow was reportedly in the process of contacting local wildlife authorities to arrange a debate with the nearest available grizzly bear. Calvinist theologians were unavailable for comment.