Woman Prefers Debating Bear Over Calvinist Theologian

"At least the bear won't quote John Calvin at me for hours," says exasperated local

Chino, CA - In a shocking turn of events, local woman Beatrice Winslow has publicly declared that she would much rather engage in a lively debate with a grizzly bear than sit across from a Calvinist theologian.

"Look, I get that bears can be dangerous and all, but at least they're honest about their nature," Winslow stated in a recent interview. "With a Calvinist, you're just going to get a relentless barrage of predestination this and total depravity that. I'd rather take my chances with sharp teeth and claws than sit through another argument about limited atonement."

Winslow went on to explain that her aversion to Calvinist theology stems from a traumatic experience in her youth, when she was forced to attend a revival meeting led by a particularly zealous Reformed pastor.

"He kept going on and on about how we're all just totally worthless sinners destined for hell unless we accept Jesus as our personal Lord and Savior," Winslow recalled with a shudder. "I'm pretty sure I left that place with PTSD. At least a bear would just maul me and get it over with, you know?"

When pressed further, Winslow admitted that she would even be willing to debate the bear on topics like free will, the nature of the atonement, and the perseverance of the saints.

"Sure, the bear might not have the most nuanced theological perspective, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about it quoting obscure 16th century Reformers at me for hours on end," she said. "Plus, I bet I could make a bear laugh more than any Calvinist I've ever met."

At the time of publication, Winslow was reportedly in the process of contacting local wildlife authorities to arrange a debate with the nearest available grizzly bear. Calvinist theologians were unavailable for comment.

Comments

April Atheists Day

Pictured: logo of the National Atheist Party (unaffiliated) April Fools’ Day is a well-known tradition of pranking and joking around with friends and family. But did you know that it is also a holiday for atheists? That’s right, every year on April 1st, atheists celebrate their disbelief in God and mock the religious beliefs of others. According to some historians, April Fools’ Day originated from the medieval practice of changing the calendar from the Julian to the Gregorian system, which moved the start of the new year from March 25th to January 1st. Those who refused to accept the change or were unaware of it were called “April fools” and ridiculed by others. Some atheists claim that this date has now become a symbolic representation of their rejection of the Christian faith and its calendar. May atheists now hold that April Fools’ Day has become a day of celebration and liberation from the tyranny and oppression of religion. They argue that religion is based on superstit...

Shane & Shane’s Newest Partnership: Slayer

Bethel Music Out, “Reign in Worship” Begins In a shocking turn of events, the popular Christian worship duo Shane and Shane responded to the public backlash and have announced that they are canceling their planned collaboration with Bethel music, citing "creative differences" and "theological concerns". Instead, they have revealed that they are partnering with the legendary thrash metal band Slayer for a new album and tour. "We feel that Slayer is a better fit for our vision and message," said Shane Barnard, one half of the duo. "They are passionate, authentic, and not afraid to challenge the status quo. We share a lot of common ground with them, especially on topics like sin, judgment, and the end times." Shane Everett, the other half of the duo, added: "We have always admired Slayer's musical prowess and lyrical depth. They are masters of their craft and have influenced generations of metalheads. We are honored to join forces with them...

Presbyterians Launch "Sprinkling Correction" Baptism Program Sources

Local Presbyterian Church Launches "Re-Baptism" Program to Correct Immersion Errors ANYTOWN, USA - In a controversial move, the First Presbyterian Church of Anytown has announced a new program to "re-baptize" members of the congregation who were previously baptized by immersion at other churches. "Immersion baptism is simply unbiblical," declared Reverend Percival Fitzwilliam, the senior pastor. "The true symbol of cleansing and renewal is the gentle sprinkling of water from above, not the violent dunking associated with judgment and death." Citing biblical references to the Great Flood, where the wicked were destroyed by being submerged in water, and the Egyptians who drowned in the Red Sea, Fitzwilliam argued that immersion represents a "baptism of condemnation" rather than salvation. "In contrast, the rain that fell on Noah's ark and the Israelites as they crossed the Red Sea was a symbol of God's blessing and purificati...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog