Calvinist Stunned by Existence of Cage-Stage Anti-Calvinist

Cage-Stage Calvinist Discovers Free-Will Counterpart in the Wild

John, the young Calvinist crusader, had been reveling in his recent victories against the Arminian heretics, secure in his theological superiority. His Twitter feed was a bastion of Reformed theology, adorned with quotes from luminaries like John Piper and R.C. Sproul. Little did he know, a rude awakening awaited him.

To John's utter disbelief, from the depths of the internet emerged Karen, a figure cloaked in the shadows of anti-Calvinism, whose zeal burned brighter than a thousand suns. Her opening salvo was a barrage of scathing accusations, each one more audacious than the last. "Thou art a heretic!" she thundered, her fingers furiously typing away. "Thy doctrines are naught but a perversion of the true gospel!"

John was taken aback, dumbfounded by the sheer audacity of this attack. He had encountered many opponents before, but never one so brazen, so unyielding in their opposition to the doctrines of grace. Surely, this must be some sort of cosmic joke, a figment of his theological imagination.

But alas, Karen was all too real, and her onslaught showed no signs of relenting. John's carefully crafted arguments were met with a torrent of emotionally charged rebuttals, each one more convoluted and nonsensical than the last.

The young Calvinist warrior, once so confident in his theological prowess, found himself at a loss for words. How could this be? He, a seasoned defender of the faith, assaulted by an Anti-Calvinist whose arguments seemed to defy all logic and reason? The mere existence of such a formidable foe was a revelation he never saw coming.

As the battle raged on, neither side showed any signs of relenting. John and Karen, both consumed by their respective theological echo chambers, vowed to rid the world of the other's heretical beliefs, no matter the cost.

Online bystanders could only watch in horror as the two combatants unleashed a barrage of theological jargon and proof-texts, each one more incomprehensible than the last. The once-peaceful corners of the internet had become a battleground, a place where reason and logic had been cast aside in favor of unbridled dogmatism.

As the dust settled, one thing became clear: this was a war that would not be won by either side. For in the end, the only true victor was the ever-present specter of theological tribalism, a force that threatened to consume all who dared to challenge its dominance.