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Debate Debacle: Postmillennialism Perishes as Politicians Prove Pessimists Right

Reformed Theologians Rush to Revise Rapture Timelines as Presidential Candidates Demonstrate Humanity's Downward Spiral


 In a shocking turn of events, the latest presidential debate has left Reformed theologians scrambling to revise their eschatological views. Prominent postmillennialists were seen frantically burning their books and apologizing to their amillennial colleagues after witnessing the spectacle unfold on national television.


"I've spent decades arguing for the gradual Christianization of society," lamented Dr. Optimist VanHopeful. "But after seeing those two candidates bicker like toddlers over a juice box for 90 minutes, I'm convinced the world is actually getting worse by the second."


The debate, which featured more personal insults than policy discussions, has been hailed as the final nail in the coffin for postmillennial thought. Viewers reported feeling their faith in humanity actively eroding with each passing minute.


"I used to believe we were working towards Christ's kingdom on earth," sighed Pastor Sunny Disposition. "Now I'm pretty sure we're speedrunning the apocalypse."


Premillennialists, meanwhile, are experiencing a surge in popularity. "I hate to say I told you so," gloated Rev. Doom N. Gloom, "but the end times are clearly upon us. Who wants to buy my latest book on the Antichrist?"


As for the candidates themselves, both claimed victory in the debate, blissfully unaware that they had single-handedly disproven an entire theological position. At least some good came out of it after all.

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