Skip to main content

Debate Debacle: Postmillennialism Perishes as Politicians Prove Pessimists Right

Reformed Theologians Rush to Revise Rapture Timelines as Presidential Candidates Demonstrate Humanity's Downward Spiral


 In a shocking turn of events, the latest presidential debate has left Reformed theologians scrambling to revise their eschatological views. Prominent postmillennialists were seen frantically burning their books and apologizing to their amillennial colleagues after witnessing the spectacle unfold on national television.


"I've spent decades arguing for the gradual Christianization of society," lamented Dr. Optimist VanHopeful. "But after seeing those two candidates bicker like toddlers over a juice box for 90 minutes, I'm convinced the world is actually getting worse by the second."


The debate, which featured more personal insults than policy discussions, has been hailed as the final nail in the coffin for postmillennial thought. Viewers reported feeling their faith in humanity actively eroding with each passing minute.


"I used to believe we were working towards Christ's kingdom on earth," sighed Pastor Sunny Disposition. "Now I'm pretty sure we're speedrunning the apocalypse."


Premillennialists, meanwhile, are experiencing a surge in popularity. "I hate to say I told you so," gloated Rev. Doom N. Gloom, "but the end times are clearly upon us. Who wants to buy my latest book on the Antichrist?"


As for the candidates themselves, both claimed victory in the debate, blissfully unaware that they had single-handedly disproven an entire theological position. At least some good came out of it after all.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pride: Remembering Sodom & Gomorrah

Sodom and Gomorrah: The Original Pride Parade Gone Wrong As the calendar turns to June, rainbow flags and glitter will soon blanket city streets worldwide to celebrate LGBTQ+ Pride Month. But before you head out to party, let's take a moment to reflect on the very first recorded Pride parade that didn't go quite as planned - the ill-fated cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. For those rusty on their biblical history, Sodom and Gomorrah were neighboring municipalities around the Dead Sea renowned for their hospitality and...other proclivities. When two angels visited the cities incognito, the residents rolled out the welcome mat in a manner that would make modern swingers blush.  Lot, a seemingly chill dude who just wanted to mind his own business, tried to protect the angels from the amorous townsfolk. But despite his pleas to "not act wickedly," the cities' citizens continued to pursue their unconventional interests with gusto befitting their reputation as the original ...
Post a Comment
Read more

To Protect Last Political Allies from Trump, Biden Pardons Pilate, the Sanhedrin

Critics Say Presidential Clemency 2,000 Years Too Late In a shocking twist of historical revisionism, President Biden has issued a last-minute presidential pardon for Pontius Pilate and the Sanhedrin, effectively settling a 2,000-year-old legal dispute. The unprecedented move comes as Biden clears his presidential desk, seemingly determined to resolve theological legal matters that have been pending since the first century. "Sometimes, you've got to wash your hands of ancient history—literally," Biden reportedly quipped, making a clear reference to Pilate's infamous hand-washing gesture. The pardon documents hilariously cite "administrative oversight" and "bureaucratic complications" as primary reasons for the belated legal clemency. Religious scholars and historians are bewildered, with one anonymous theologian remarking, "Well, that's one way to end a presidency—by retroactively solving a crucifixion controversy." The White House pr...
Post a Comment
Read more