Heaven's Social Media Rewards Program Confirmed by Near-Death Vision
PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN - In a shocking revelation that is sure to shake up the theology world, local man Darren Lumbergh claims he experienced a vivid near-death vision that confirmed his life's work of arguing theology on Facebook will be handsomely rewarded in the afterlife.
According to Lumbergh, after a freak gasoline fight accident, he temporarily left his body and was transported to the gates of Heaven itself. There, a glowing angelic being was waiting with a radiant smile and an iPad displaying Lumbergh's comprehensive Facebook history.
"The angel was literally glowing with divine effervescence," recounted Lumbergh, still visibly shaken by the experience. "He told me 'Well done, good and faithful servant' and showed me a tally of every time I ruthlessly demolished a heretic with iron-clad logic in a Facebook comment thread."
The angel then revealed that Lumbergh's heavenly rewards would include an eternal infinity pool full of liquid Scripture, a Lay-Z-Boy recliner made from the clouds themselves, and most impressively, a Verified Disciple badge to wear on his glowing robe.
"I was also told that for every minor theological point I stubbornly argued and refused to concede, I would receive a new mansion made of ethereal crystal and staffed by 70 celestial virgins to endlessly validate my opinions," Lumbergh added.
When asked if he had any regrets about dedicating most of his waking hours over the past 15 years to ferociously arguing the finer points of predestination and biblical inerrancy with strangers on social media, Lumbergh shook his head adamantly.
"Not a single one. My relentless crusade of logic and truth on Facebook has guaranteed my name will be written in the Lamb's Book of Life in BOLD CAPS."
Sources indicate that since his near-death vision, Lumbergh has increased his daily Facebook arguments by 500% in hopes of unlocking the "Platinum Heavenly Influencer" reward tier.
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