SBC Debates Ancient Doctrine They Know Zilch About

When you're really invested in that 4th century church council no one told you about

NASHVILLE, TN - Chaos erupted at this year's Southern Baptist Convention as thousands of pastors and church leaders spent hours passionately debating whether to adopt the Nicene Creed, a 4th century doctrinal statement they had absolutely zero understanding of.

"I'm sorry, but I cannot affirm this so-called 'Nicene Creed'. It reeks of pagan Catholic mysticism!" bellowed Pastor Bob Hickory, who thought Nicaea was a hotel chain.

"How dare you question the authority of this creed decided on by our spiritual ancestors!" shouted Pastor Jeb Clambert, spittle flying, seemingly unaware the Council of Nicaea occurred over 1,600 years ago.

The proposal to add the Nicene Creed, which summarizes core Christian beliefs about the Trinity and Christ's divinity, to the SBC's doctrinal statement sparked fierce debate despite most Baptists having no clue what it actually said.

"Half of them probably think the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church refers to the starting lineup for the Apostles' baseball team," remarked Dr. Polly Karpinsko, a church history professor watching in bewilderment.

At one point, a pastor objected to "condemning Aryans", thinking the creed was about racism rather than rejecting the ancient heresy of Arianism which denied Christ's full divinity.

After six hours of vigorous debate, Bible quoting, and at least one heated game of Baptist Battleship, the Baptists reached a quintessentially Baptist compromise - to table the issue while creating a committee to spend 5-10 years studying the history and meaning of this ancient creed their spiritual ancestors died over.

"Phew, I'm just glad we resolved this biblically and preserved our unity," said Pastor Clambert, seemingly oblivious to the broader Christian world's creedal consensus spanning millennia. "Now, who wants to debate Chalcedon after the potluck?”

Comments

Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu

Opinion: How to Win Any Theological Argument With One Simple Phrase

The Ultimate Guide to Dispensational Defense: How to Defend Your Faith and Confuse Your Critics Quickly and Efficiently Are you tired of losing arguments with your fellow Christians over eschatology, hermeneutics, or covenant theology? Do you wish you had a foolproof way to silence your opponents and prove your superior understanding of the Bible? Well, look no further than this one simple phrase: "You don't understand dispensationalism." That's right, with this magic phrase, you can win any theological debate in seconds. Here's how it works: - Step 1: Identify your opponent's position and label it as non-dispensational. It doesn't matter if they are amillennial, postmillennial, covenantal, or even dispensational themselves. Just say they are not. - Step 2: Assert that their position is based on a faulty interpretation of Scripture that ignores the literal, grammatical-historical method and the distinction between Israel and the church. - Step 3: When they

Christian Man Denounces All Holidays as Pagan, Celebrates Nothing

Even the Calendar Comes From Pagans, Man Declares A Christian man from San Diego, California, has declared that he will not celebrate any holiday, not even his own birthday, because they are all pagan and sinful. John Bradfield, 45, says he has been studying the Bible and history for years and has come to the conclusion that every holiday is an abomination in the eyes of God. "I don't celebrate Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, or any other holiday," Bradfield said. "They are all based on pagan traditions and rituals that have nothing to do with Christianity. They are all corrupted by Satan and his minions. Even my birthday is pagan, because it's based on the solar calendar, which was invented by pagans. I only follow the biblical calendar, which is based on the lunar cycles." Bradfield says he spends his days reading the Bible, praying, and preaching to others about the evils of holidays. He says he has no friends or family,

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog