SBC Debates Ancient Doctrine They Know Zilch About

When you're really invested in that 4th century church council no one told you about

NASHVILLE, TN - Chaos erupted at this year's Southern Baptist Convention as thousands of pastors and church leaders spent hours passionately debating whether to adopt the Nicene Creed, a 4th century doctrinal statement they had absolutely zero understanding of.

"I'm sorry, but I cannot affirm this so-called 'Nicene Creed'. It reeks of pagan Catholic mysticism!" bellowed Pastor Bob Hickory, who thought Nicaea was a hotel chain.

"How dare you question the authority of this creed decided on by our spiritual ancestors!" shouted Pastor Jeb Clambert, spittle flying, seemingly unaware the Council of Nicaea occurred over 1,600 years ago.

The proposal to add the Nicene Creed, which summarizes core Christian beliefs about the Trinity and Christ's divinity, to the SBC's doctrinal statement sparked fierce debate despite most Baptists having no clue what it actually said.

"Half of them probably think the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church refers to the starting lineup for the Apostles' baseball team," remarked Dr. Polly Karpinsko, a church history professor watching in bewilderment.

At one point, a pastor objected to "condemning Aryans", thinking the creed was about racism rather than rejecting the ancient heresy of Arianism which denied Christ's full divinity.

After six hours of vigorous debate, Bible quoting, and at least one heated game of Baptist Battleship, the Baptists reached a quintessentially Baptist compromise - to table the issue while creating a committee to spend 5-10 years studying the history and meaning of this ancient creed their spiritual ancestors died over.

"Phew, I'm just glad we resolved this biblically and preserved our unity," said Pastor Clambert, seemingly oblivious to the broader Christian world's creedal consensus spanning millennia. "Now, who wants to debate Chalcedon after the potluck?”

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