Calvinists Worldwide Forced to Reboot After CrowdStrike Error

When your predestination.exe stops working and you realize you have to choose to restart

In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the Reformed community, Calvinists across the globe found themselves frozen in place yesterday, victims of what appears to be a critical error in their internal predestination software. The glitch, reportedly triggered by the recent CrowdStrike news, left thousands of Calvinists stuck mid-sentence, often with one finger raised in theological debate.

Elect Elites Scramble for Solutions

As news of the freeze spread, panic ensued among the elect. "We always knew we were chosen, but we didn't realize we were running on Windows 95," quipped a flustered John Piper lookalike, frantically trying to ctrl-alt-delete his way out of the situation.

Reformed seminaries quickly established emergency hotlines, fielding calls from concerned family members asking how to perform a hard reset on their loved ones. "Have you tried turning them off and on again?" became the day's most common piece of advice, closely followed by "Did you check if they're plugged in to the sovereignty socket?"

Arminians Seize Opportunity

Meanwhile, Arminian theologians couldn't help but gloat. "See? This is what happens when you think you're preprogrammed by God," chuckled one free will advocate. "They're so determined to prove they have no choice, they've turned themselves into actual robots!"

Some enterprising Arminians even set up "Free Will Clinics" outside frozen Calvinist gatherings, offering to "jailbreak" their predestined peers and install the latest version of webOS.

Calvinists, however have responded with the simple statement: "Error 404: Freewill not found."

TULIP.exe Not Responding

As the crisis deepened, reports emerged of Calvinists stuck in boot loops, endlessly reciting the five points of Calvinism. "Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistible Grace, Perseverance of the Saints... Total Depravity, Unconditional Election..." One observer noted, "It's like someone hit the shuffle button on TULIP, and now they can't stop."

Divine Intervention or Human Error?

While some saw the glitch as proof of divine sovereignty ("God clearly ordained this freeze for His glory!"), others wondered if it might be time to consider a more user-friendly theology. "Maybe we should switch to a more open-source belief system," suggested one young, hip Calvinist, before immediately freezing mid-thought.

As of press time, most Calvinists have been successfully rebooted, though some are still experiencing minor glitches, such as spontaneously shouting "Sola Scriptura!" at random intervals. Reformed leaders assure the faithful that this is all part of God's perfect plan, while simultaneously urging everyone to update their predestination software to the latest version, Romans 9.16.

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