Calvinists Worldwide Forced to Reboot After CrowdStrike Error

When your predestination.exe stops working and you realize you have to choose to restart

In a shocking turn of events that has rocked the Reformed community, Calvinists across the globe found themselves frozen in place yesterday, victims of what appears to be a critical error in their internal predestination software. The glitch, reportedly triggered by the recent CrowdStrike news, left thousands of Calvinists stuck mid-sentence, often with one finger raised in theological debate.

Elect Elites Scramble for Solutions

As news of the freeze spread, panic ensued among the elect. "We always knew we were chosen, but we didn't realize we were running on Windows 95," quipped a flustered John Piper lookalike, frantically trying to ctrl-alt-delete his way out of the situation.

Reformed seminaries quickly established emergency hotlines, fielding calls from concerned family members asking how to perform a hard reset on their loved ones. "Have you tried turning them off and on again?" became the day's most common piece of advice, closely followed by "Did you check if they're plugged in to the sovereignty socket?"

Arminians Seize Opportunity

Meanwhile, Arminian theologians couldn't help but gloat. "See? This is what happens when you think you're preprogrammed by God," chuckled one free will advocate. "They're so determined to prove they have no choice, they've turned themselves into actual robots!"

Some enterprising Arminians even set up "Free Will Clinics" outside frozen Calvinist gatherings, offering to "jailbreak" their predestined peers and install the latest version of webOS.

Calvinists, however have responded with the simple statement: "Error 404: Freewill not found."

TULIP.exe Not Responding

As the crisis deepened, reports emerged of Calvinists stuck in boot loops, endlessly reciting the five points of Calvinism. "Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistible Grace, Perseverance of the Saints... Total Depravity, Unconditional Election..." One observer noted, "It's like someone hit the shuffle button on TULIP, and now they can't stop."

Divine Intervention or Human Error?

While some saw the glitch as proof of divine sovereignty ("God clearly ordained this freeze for His glory!"), others wondered if it might be time to consider a more user-friendly theology. "Maybe we should switch to a more open-source belief system," suggested one young, hip Calvinist, before immediately freezing mid-thought.

As of press time, most Calvinists have been successfully rebooted, though some are still experiencing minor glitches, such as spontaneously shouting "Sola Scriptura!" at random intervals. Reformed leaders assure the faithful that this is all part of God's perfect plan, while simultaneously urging everyone to update their predestination software to the latest version, Romans 9.16.

Comments

Border Patrol Sends Steven Anderson to Armenia Over Misunderstanding

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson...

Pastor Jane's Inappropriate Relationships Spark Cheers of 'Yaaaaasss Queen' Amidst Ecclesiastical Double Standards

Breaking the Stained-Glass Ceiling: Pastor Jane's Scandalous Path to Feminist Icon Status In a groundbreaking moment for ecclesiastical equality, Pastor Jane Doe has become a beacon of feminist empowerment after being caught in a series of inappropriate relationships with male congregants. Her actions have sparked a wave of support, with many hailing her as a "Yaaaaasss Queen" for shattering the stained-glass ceiling. While male pastors have historically faced defrocking for similar indiscretions, Pastor Jane's case has been celebrated as a triumph of modern feminism. "Why should men have all the fun?" quipped one supporter, highlighting the double standards that have long plagued religious institutions. Critics, however, point to biblical texts that traditionally restrict the role of pastor to men and suggest women should remain silent in church. Yet, Pastor Jane's followers argue that these interpretations are outdated and patriarchal. "If she can...

Once Judeo-Christian Nation Watches Debate To Determine Which Immoral Reprobate Best Qualified to Lead

Nation’s Moral Compass Goes Haywire, Formally Resigns Following Debate Philadelphia - In a spectacle that could only be described as a divine comedy, the nation once hailed as a "Judeo-Christian" nation gathered to watch the presidential debate, eager to determine which immoral reprobate would best lead them forward. The candidates, both seasoned in the art of moral ambiguity, took the stage with the confidence of televangelists at a Sunday sermon. As the candidates took the stage, the audience was treated to a spectacle reminiscent of a reality show, complete with mudslinging and moral gymnastics that would make even the most seasoned circus performer blush. One candidate, known for his "alternative facts," argued passionately that he had the best rallies in the history of political rallies, while another claimed to be “unburdened by the past” [but still current] administration’s numerous international scandals and blunders, promising that to fix everything she h...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog