Skip to main content

King Saul Complains of Illness After Failed Hit on David

אני חולה




In a startling archaeological discovery, researchers have uncovered what appears to be an ancient tweet from King Saul's personal papyrus scroll. The message, roughly translated from ancient Hebrew, simply states: "I'm sick."


Experts believe this tweet was posted shortly after Saul's botched assassination attempt on his rival and future successor, David. "It's remarkable how little has changed in 3,000 years," noted Dr. Ima Ginary, lead archaeologist on the project. "Leaders are still using social media to garner sympathy after their nefarious plots go awry."


The discovery has sparked a flurry of memes across the Israeli blogosphere, with one popular image showing Saul lying in bed, surrounded by get-well scrolls and a "World's Okayest King" cup on his nightstand.


Political analysts are drawing parallels to recent events, suggesting that perhaps some modern leaders could learn from Saul's brevity. "At least he kept it short and sweet," quipped one commentator. "No long-winded explanations or blame-shifting – just a simple 'I'm sick.' It's almost refreshing." Others, however, are attempting to link this tweet to a larger complaint against the Priests of Nob and the rest of Gibeonites, whose demands of retribution would be carried out against his descendants.


When reached for comment, with the assistance of a descendant of the Witch of Endor, the ghost of King Saul merely sighed and muttered something about "kids these days" before disappearing in a puff of ancient smoke.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Opinion: How to Win Any Theological Argument With One Simple Phrase

The Ultimate Guide to Dispensational Defense: How to Defend Your Faith and Confuse Your Critics Quickly and Efficiently Are you tired of losing arguments with your fellow Christians over eschatology, hermeneutics, or covenant theology? Do you wish you had a foolproof way to silence your opponents and prove your superior understanding of the Bible? Well, look no further than this one simple phrase: "You don't understand dispensationalism." That's right, with this magic phrase, you can win any theological debate in seconds. Here's how it works: - Step 1: Identify your opponent's position and label it as non-dispensational. It doesn't matter if they are amillennial, postmillennial, covenantal, or even dispensational themselves. Just say they are not. - Step 2: Assert that their position is based on a faulty interpretation of Scripture that ignores the literal, grammatical-historical method and the distinction between Israel and the church. - Step 3: When they...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pious Piper's Passionate Pivot: Launches O***F*** for 'Divine Desires' After 'Erotic' Jesus Revelation

Controversy Erupts as John Piper's Spiritual Sensuality Takes Center Stage on Unconventional Platform In a surprising turn of events, renowned Christian figure John Piper has reportedly ventured into uncharted territory by launching his own O***F*** [full name censored] page. This unexpected move comes hot on the heels of Piper's latest controversial statement where he likened his love for Jesus to something "erotic." Here’s the full quote: “…  that love, that love is not equal to obedience and that love is not equal to agape,  that love is erotic to the core . That’s an overstatement. Eros means I find pleasure in you, Jesus. I find pleasure in you, Jesus.” Piper's account, aptly named "DivineDesires," promises exclusive content that delves into the intimate and sensual aspects of his spiritual connection with Jesus. Subscribers to his page are treated to a series of videos where Piper engages in seemingly ordinary activities, but with a twist that sugg...
Post a Comment
Read more