Skip to main content

HODL: Treasures in Heaven Resist Stock Market Dip

Heavenly Assets Soar as Earthly Stocks Plummet




In a shocking turn of events, treasures stored in Heaven have defied earthly economic turmoil, maintaining their value amidst the stock market's dramatic plunge. As the Dow Jones took a nosedive, financial experts on Earth were left scratching their heads, while heavenly investors were busy polishing their crowns.


According to Matthew 6:19-21, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven…” It seems the celestial economy took this advice to heart, as investments in eternal rewards are proving to be far more reliable than tech stocks or crypto.


"Heaven's portfolio is diversified," claimed a heavenly spokesperson. "We focus on eternal treasures—things like love, joy, and peace—rather than fleeting earthly gains." While Wall Street grapples with a 1,000-point drop, the afterlife market is thriving, with heavenly dividends being paid out in spiritual fulfillment.


As investors scramble to find safe havens, one heavenly economist quipped, "Who needs a 401(k) when you can have eternal bliss? Plus, our interest rates are out of this world!" 


Meanwhile, down on Earth, financial advisors are urging clients to reconsider their investment strategies. "Maybe it’s time to start thinking about those heavenly treasures," one advisor suggested, "You know, the ones that are immune to inflation and market crashes. Just remember to keep your heart in the right place!"


In a bold move, some savvy investors are even starting to convert their earthly assets into heavenly ones, courtesy of the Roman Catholic Church. “I just sold my stocks and bought a lifetime supply of good deeds,” said one ecstatic retiree. “I hear they’re worth a fortune up there!” Protestant churches, however, refused to participate.


As the chaos continues on Wall Street, it seems that the only thing truly secure is the promise of treasures stored in Heaven. So, while earthly investors are left clutching their portfolios in despair, the saints are likely toasting with heavenly champagne, celebrating their unshakeable investments in eternal rewards. After all, when it comes to wealth, it seems the best strategy is to aim for the skies!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu...
Post a Comment
Read more

If You’re Reading This, You Were Left Behind…

…Unless the Dispies Were Wrong (Again) Left Behind: A Practical Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse Redmond, WA — So, you've been left behind. Either the dispensationalists were wrong about the eclipse, or you were too busy binge-watching cat videos during the rapture. Fear not! As the world descends into chaos, here's your step-by-step guide to navigating the great tribulation: 1. Acceptance and Denial First, take a deep breath. You're still here, and that's both a blessing and a curse. Denial is natural. Maybe you're just in a really long line at the celestial DMV, waiting for your turn to ascend. But let's face it: You're stuck on Earth, and the Wi-Fi is terrible. 2. Locate Your Emergency Bunker Remember that walk-in closet you've been using as a storage dump for old shoes and broken dreams? It's now your panic room. Clear out the clutter, stock up on essentials, and make it cozy. Add some motivational posters like "Hang in There, Left-Behinder...
Post a Comment
Read more

Border Patrol Sends Steven Anderson to Armenia Over Misunderstanding

When Your Theological Flex Gets Lost in Translation Original image is Public Domain, courtesy of the United States Department of Homeland Security BORDER PATROL CHECKPOINT, AZ - In a bizarre twist of theological proportions, Pastor Steven Anderson's latest encounter with Border Patrol agents took an unexpected turn when he attempted to evangelize his way through a routine checkpoint. When asked about his citizenship, Anderson reportedly launched into an impromptu sermon, declaring, "I'm a citizen of Heaven, brother! Let me tell you about the Good News!" As the bemused agent tried to detain him, Anderson proclaimed, "You can't detain me! I'm free to believe because I'm Arminian!" The agent, mishearing the theological term, immediately sprang into action, shouting, "Armenian? We've got ourselves an illegal!" Chaos ensued as agents attempted to deport the protesting pastor to Armenia. "I said Arminian, not Armenian!" Anderson...
Post a Comment
Read more