Skip to main content

HODL: Treasures in Heaven Resist Stock Market Dip

Heavenly Assets Soar as Earthly Stocks Plummet




In a shocking turn of events, treasures stored in Heaven have defied earthly economic turmoil, maintaining their value amidst the stock market's dramatic plunge. As the Dow Jones took a nosedive, financial experts on Earth were left scratching their heads, while heavenly investors were busy polishing their crowns.


According to Matthew 6:19-21, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven…” It seems the celestial economy took this advice to heart, as investments in eternal rewards are proving to be far more reliable than tech stocks or crypto.


"Heaven's portfolio is diversified," claimed a heavenly spokesperson. "We focus on eternal treasures—things like love, joy, and peace—rather than fleeting earthly gains." While Wall Street grapples with a 1,000-point drop, the afterlife market is thriving, with heavenly dividends being paid out in spiritual fulfillment.


As investors scramble to find safe havens, one heavenly economist quipped, "Who needs a 401(k) when you can have eternal bliss? Plus, our interest rates are out of this world!" 


Meanwhile, down on Earth, financial advisors are urging clients to reconsider their investment strategies. "Maybe it’s time to start thinking about those heavenly treasures," one advisor suggested, "You know, the ones that are immune to inflation and market crashes. Just remember to keep your heart in the right place!"


In a bold move, some savvy investors are even starting to convert their earthly assets into heavenly ones, courtesy of the Roman Catholic Church. “I just sold my stocks and bought a lifetime supply of good deeds,” said one ecstatic retiree. “I hear they’re worth a fortune up there!” Protestant churches, however, refused to participate.


As the chaos continues on Wall Street, it seems that the only thing truly secure is the promise of treasures stored in Heaven. So, while earthly investors are left clutching their portfolios in despair, the saints are likely toasting with heavenly champagne, celebrating their unshakeable investments in eternal rewards. After all, when it comes to wealth, it seems the best strategy is to aim for the skies!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice  In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...
Post a Comment
Read more

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Men Named "David" More Likely to Suffer Identity Crisis

Matt Chandler, the lead pastor of Southern Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas, has shot to the evangelical spotlight in after preaching a sermon in which he proclaims that "You're not David!" to an unsuspecting captive audience. In doing so, however, he inadvertently caused a mass identity crisis among an unlikely, oddly-specific demographic: people who actually are named "David." One person, who commented on the condition of anonymity, said: "I've been called David my whole life. Now that I've been told I'm not David, I don't even know who I am anymore. I've started going by my middle name, but nobody's ever called me "Matthew" before and it's really taking some getting used to. My children look at me like I'm a stranger. My wife says she feels like she's sleeping with another man. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I'm having an identity crisis. What do I do? We reached out to a local counselor for ...
Post a Comment
Read more