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HODL: Treasures in Heaven Resist Stock Market Dip

Heavenly Assets Soar as Earthly Stocks Plummet




In a shocking turn of events, treasures stored in Heaven have defied earthly economic turmoil, maintaining their value amidst the stock market's dramatic plunge. As the Dow Jones took a nosedive, financial experts on Earth were left scratching their heads, while heavenly investors were busy polishing their crowns.


According to Matthew 6:19-21, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven…” It seems the celestial economy took this advice to heart, as investments in eternal rewards are proving to be far more reliable than tech stocks or crypto.


"Heaven's portfolio is diversified," claimed a heavenly spokesperson. "We focus on eternal treasures—things like love, joy, and peace—rather than fleeting earthly gains." While Wall Street grapples with a 1,000-point drop, the afterlife market is thriving, with heavenly dividends being paid out in spiritual fulfillment.


As investors scramble to find safe havens, one heavenly economist quipped, "Who needs a 401(k) when you can have eternal bliss? Plus, our interest rates are out of this world!" 


Meanwhile, down on Earth, financial advisors are urging clients to reconsider their investment strategies. "Maybe it’s time to start thinking about those heavenly treasures," one advisor suggested, "You know, the ones that are immune to inflation and market crashes. Just remember to keep your heart in the right place!"


In a bold move, some savvy investors are even starting to convert their earthly assets into heavenly ones, courtesy of the Roman Catholic Church. “I just sold my stocks and bought a lifetime supply of good deeds,” said one ecstatic retiree. “I hear they’re worth a fortune up there!” Protestant churches, however, refused to participate.


As the chaos continues on Wall Street, it seems that the only thing truly secure is the promise of treasures stored in Heaven. So, while earthly investors are left clutching their portfolios in despair, the saints are likely toasting with heavenly champagne, celebrating their unshakeable investments in eternal rewards. After all, when it comes to wealth, it seems the best strategy is to aim for the skies!

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