Skip to main content

HODL: Treasures in Heaven Resist Stock Market Dip

Heavenly Assets Soar as Earthly Stocks Plummet




In a shocking turn of events, treasures stored in Heaven have defied earthly economic turmoil, maintaining their value amidst the stock market's dramatic plunge. As the Dow Jones took a nosedive, financial experts on Earth were left scratching their heads, while heavenly investors were busy polishing their crowns.


According to Matthew 6:19-21, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven…” It seems the celestial economy took this advice to heart, as investments in eternal rewards are proving to be far more reliable than tech stocks or crypto.


"Heaven's portfolio is diversified," claimed a heavenly spokesperson. "We focus on eternal treasures—things like love, joy, and peace—rather than fleeting earthly gains." While Wall Street grapples with a 1,000-point drop, the afterlife market is thriving, with heavenly dividends being paid out in spiritual fulfillment.


As investors scramble to find safe havens, one heavenly economist quipped, "Who needs a 401(k) when you can have eternal bliss? Plus, our interest rates are out of this world!" 


Meanwhile, down on Earth, financial advisors are urging clients to reconsider their investment strategies. "Maybe it’s time to start thinking about those heavenly treasures," one advisor suggested, "You know, the ones that are immune to inflation and market crashes. Just remember to keep your heart in the right place!"


In a bold move, some savvy investors are even starting to convert their earthly assets into heavenly ones, courtesy of the Roman Catholic Church. “I just sold my stocks and bought a lifetime supply of good deeds,” said one ecstatic retiree. “I hear they’re worth a fortune up there!” Protestant churches, however, refused to participate.


As the chaos continues on Wall Street, it seems that the only thing truly secure is the promise of treasures stored in Heaven. So, while earthly investors are left clutching their portfolios in despair, the saints are likely toasting with heavenly champagne, celebrating their unshakeable investments in eternal rewards. After all, when it comes to wealth, it seems the best strategy is to aim for the skies!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Piper Rebukes Driscoll, Defends Stripper Sword-Swallower

Piper Defends Male Strippers from Driscoll, Says Faith is "Erotic to the Core" MINNEAPOLIS, MN - In a surprising turn of events, prominent evangelical leader John Piper has come out in defense of male strippers, arguing that their profession is a valid expression of Christian spirituality. The controversy began when fellow pastor Mark Driscoll condemned male strippers as "ungodly" and "a threat to the moral fabric of society." Driscoll's comments sparked outrage among some in the Christian community, including Piper, who quickly rushed to the defense of the much-maligned exotic dancers. "Mark Driscoll clearly has a very narrow and repressed view of human sexuality," Piper told reporters. "As I've said many times, the Christian faith is erotic to the core. God created us as sexual beings, and that includes the male stripper." Piper went on to cite the "Song of Songs" as biblical evidence that God delights in human sensu...
Post a Comment
Read more

Opinion: How to Win Any Theological Argument With One Simple Phrase

The Ultimate Guide to Dispensational Defense: How to Defend Your Faith and Confuse Your Critics Quickly and Efficiently Are you tired of losing arguments with your fellow Christians over eschatology, hermeneutics, or covenant theology? Do you wish you had a foolproof way to silence your opponents and prove your superior understanding of the Bible? Well, look no further than this one simple phrase: "You don't understand dispensationalism." That's right, with this magic phrase, you can win any theological debate in seconds. Here's how it works: - Step 1: Identify your opponent's position and label it as non-dispensational. It doesn't matter if they are amillennial, postmillennial, covenantal, or even dispensational themselves. Just say they are not. - Step 2: Assert that their position is based on a faulty interpretation of Scripture that ignores the literal, grammatical-historical method and the distinction between Israel and the church. - Step 3: When they...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pious Piper's Passionate Pivot: Launches O***F*** for 'Divine Desires' After 'Erotic' Jesus Revelation

Controversy Erupts as John Piper's Spiritual Sensuality Takes Center Stage on Unconventional Platform In a surprising turn of events, renowned Christian figure John Piper has reportedly ventured into uncharted territory by launching his own O***F*** [full name censored] page. This unexpected move comes hot on the heels of Piper's latest controversial statement where he likened his love for Jesus to something "erotic." Here’s the full quote: “…  that love, that love is not equal to obedience and that love is not equal to agape,  that love is erotic to the core . That’s an overstatement. Eros means I find pleasure in you, Jesus. I find pleasure in you, Jesus.” Piper's account, aptly named "DivineDesires," promises exclusive content that delves into the intimate and sensual aspects of his spiritual connection with Jesus. Subscribers to his page are treated to a series of videos where Piper engages in seemingly ordinary activities, but with a twist that sugg...
Post a Comment
Read more