Theonomist Shocked to Discover Ayn Rand Not in the Bible

Libertarian Book Club or Bible Study?

In a shocking turn of events, local theonomist and self-proclaimed "Biblical purist" John Calvinson was left flabbergasted this Sunday when he discovered that Ayn Rand, the famed author of "Atlas Shrugged" and "The Fountainhead," did not, in fact, contribute to the Holy Scriptures.

Calvinson, who has long advocated for the integration of Rand's objectivist philosophy into his church's teachings, was reportedly seen clutching his well-worn copy of the Bible, frantically flipping through pages in search of Rand's name. "I could have sworn she wrote the Book of Proverbs," he muttered, visibly distressed.

The revelation came during a heated Bible study session, where Calvinson attempted to quote Rand's famous line, "The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me," attributing it to the Apostle Paul. His fellow congregants, initially confused, quickly corrected him, pointing out that the quote was nowhere to be found in any of Paul's epistles.

"I always thought her ideas on individualism and self-reliance were divinely inspired," Calvinson lamented. "I mean, who else could have penned such wisdom if not a Biblical author?"

In an attempt to console him, the church's pastor gently reminded Calvinson that the Bible's authors were, in fact, divinely inspired prophets and apostles, not 20th-century Russian-American novelists. "It's important to distinguish between Biblical teachings and modern philosophical thought," the pastor advised, though Calvinson seemed unconvinced.

Despite the setback, Calvinson remains undeterred. He has since announced plans to start a new Bible study series titled "Finding Ayn Rand in the Scriptures: A Theonomist's Quest," where he will explore the "hidden" connections between Rand's philosophy and Biblical teachings. "I'm sure there's a verse in there somewhere that supports laissez-faire capitalism," he insisted.

Meanwhile, the congregation has taken the news in stride, with many members expressing relief that their Bible study sessions will no longer be interrupted by impromptu readings from "Atlas Shrugged." One member was overheard saying, "I always wondered why our Bible study felt like a book club for libertarians."

As for Calvinson, he remains hopeful that one day, his quest will bear fruit. "If I can find just one verse that aligns with Rand's philosophy, I'll consider it a victory," he declared, eyes gleaming with determination. Until then, he continues his search, Bible in one hand and "The Fountainhead" in the other, ever the devoted theonomist on a mission.