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Ancient Method of Pasteurizing Grape Juice Discovered, Vindicating Abstainers

Archaeologists Uncover Pasteurization Techniques That Leave Teetotalers and Baptists Feeling "Grapeful"




 In a groundbreaking archaeological find, researchers have discovered evidence that ancient civilizations were pasteurizing grape juice thousands of years before Thomas Bramwell Welch claimed the title in 1869. This revelation has sent shockwaves through the teetotaler community, leading to a collective sigh of vindication among abstainers and Baptists alike.

The ancient method, dubbed "Grape-ology," involved boiling grape juice to halt fermentation, a process that reportedly began when early wine enthusiasts accidentally left their grape juice unattended and it transformed into something "weirdly tasty." Historians speculate that the ancients, realizing they could avoid hangovers, opted for the unfermented version, leading to the first known grape juice parties—sans the drunken debauchery.

As news spread, teetotalers celebrated with non-alcoholic grape juice toasts, declaring, "We were right all along!" Meanwhile, Baptists are reportedly planning a reenactment of the first grape juice communion, complete with ancient costumes and a strict no-wine policy. 

Experts warn, however, that while the ancient method may have been effective, it lacked modern marketing finesse. "They didn’t even have catchy slogans like ‘Grape Juice: The Holy Sip!’” quipped one historian. As grape juice sales soar, Welch's may need to rethink its branding strategy.


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