Calvinists Rally Behind Trump After Supporters Called “Trash”

“I’ve heard worse things from my pastor! The hymns I sing every Sunday call me worse things than garbage!” Reformed Man Exclaims

In a twist that has left political analysts scratching their heads, a group of undecided Calvinists has swung their support to Donald Trump after President Biden reportedly referred to them as “trash.” This unexpected endorsement has sparked laughter and confusion, all while highlighting the Calvinist doctrine of **total depravity**, which posits that all humans are inherently sinful.

Trash Talk and Total Depravity

For those unfamiliar, total depravity means that Calvinists believe they are born sinful—like a broken toaster that only burns toast. So when Biden’s comments hit the airwaves, many Calvinists found themselves chuckling. One particularly bemused Calvinist, “Dave from the Reformed Church,” noted, “Honestly, I’ve heard worse things from my pastor! The hymns I sing every Sunday call me worse things than garbage!”

The Great Shift: From Undecided to Trump-ified

As news of Biden’s remarks spread through the pews, undecided Calvinists began rallying around Trump like moths to a flame. “I never thought I’d vote for Trump,” confessed another Calvinist named “Karen,” knitting a MAGA-themed prayer shawl. “But if Biden thinks I’m trash, I might as well embrace it!”

Political strategists are baffled. “It’s like watching a theological soap opera unfold,” one analyst remarked. “You have the President calling out a group that already believes they’re trash, and suddenly they’re waving Trump flags!”

### A New Era of Political Theology

In response, Trump has taken to social media, declaring, “I love Calvinists! They’re great people—tremendously depraved!” Meanwhile, Biden’s team is scrambling in damage control. “We didn’t mean it literally!” one aide exclaimed.

This unlikely alliance between undecided Calvinists and Donald Trump serves as a reminder that politics can be stranger than fiction—and often funnier than your average Sunday sermon. As we head into election season, one thing is clear: when it comes to trash talk and total depravity, nothing is off the table!

Comments

Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

Cracker Barrel's Business Booms Despite Conservative Boycotts Thanks to Drag Queen Brunch and Bud Light Image source: Cracker Barrel's Official Facebook Page Cracker Barrel Old Country Store, the popular Southern-themed restaurant chain, has seen a surge in business despite facing boycotts from conservative groups for its support of Pride Month. The reason? A new menu item that has attracted customers from all walks of life: the drag queen brunch. The drag queen brunch, which is offered every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., features a variety of dishes such as rainbow pancakes, glitter grits, and fabulous french toast. But the main attraction is the live entertainment provided by some of the most talented drag queens in the country, who perform songs, dances, and comedy routines while interacting with the guests. "We wanted to do something fun and different to celebrate Pride Month and show our support for the LGBTQ+ community," said Cracker Barrel CEO Sandra Cochran. ...

Men Named "David" More Likely to Suffer Identity Crisis

Matt Chandler, the lead pastor of Southern Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas, has shot to the evangelical spotlight in after preaching a sermon in which he proclaims that "You're not David!" to an unsuspecting captive audience. In doing so, however, he inadvertently caused a mass identity crisis among an unlikely, oddly-specific demographic: people who actually are named "David." One person, who commented on the condition of anonymity, said: "I've been called David my whole life. Now that I've been told I'm not David, I don't even know who I am anymore. I've started going by my middle name, but nobody's ever called me "Matthew" before and it's really taking some getting used to. My children look at me like I'm a stranger. My wife says she feels like she's sleeping with another man. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I'm having an identity crisis. What do I do? We reached out to a local counselor for ...

The Calvinist Chronicle

Search This Blog