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Calvinists Rally Behind Trump After Supporters Called “Trash”

“I’ve heard worse things from my pastor! The hymns I sing every Sunday call me worse things than garbage!” Reformed Man Exclaims


In a twist that has left political analysts scratching their heads, a group of undecided Calvinists has swung their support to Donald Trump after President Biden reportedly referred to them as “trash.” This unexpected endorsement has sparked laughter and confusion, all while highlighting the Calvinist doctrine of **total depravity**, which posits that all humans are inherently sinful. 


Trash Talk and Total Depravity


For those unfamiliar, total depravity means that Calvinists believe they are born sinful—like a broken toaster that only burns toast. So when Biden’s comments hit the airwaves, many Calvinists found themselves chuckling. One particularly bemused Calvinist, “Dave from the Reformed Church,” noted, “Honestly, I’ve heard worse things from my pastor! The hymns I sing every Sunday call me worse things than garbage!”


The Great Shift: From Undecided to Trump-ified


As news of Biden’s remarks spread through the pews, undecided Calvinists began rallying around Trump like moths to a flame. “I never thought I’d vote for Trump,” confessed another Calvinist named “Karen,” knitting a MAGA-themed prayer shawl. “But if Biden thinks I’m trash, I might as well embrace it!”


Political strategists are baffled. “It’s like watching a theological soap opera unfold,” one analyst remarked. “You have the President calling out a group that already believes they’re trash, and suddenly they’re waving Trump flags!”


### A New Era of Political Theology


In response, Trump has taken to social media, declaring, “I love Calvinists! They’re great people—tremendously depraved!” Meanwhile, Biden’s team is scrambling in damage control. “We didn’t mean it literally!” one aide exclaimed. 


This unlikely alliance between undecided Calvinists and Donald Trump serves as a reminder that politics can be stranger than fiction—and often funnier than your average Sunday sermon. As we head into election season, one thing is clear: when it comes to trash talk and total depravity, nothing is off the table!


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