Former President Declares War on Non-Denominationalism—“It’s Like Ordering a Burger Without the Meat!”

Trump’s Theological Takedown: Calvinism vs. The Liberal “Normal”

In a surprising turn, Donald Trump took to Joe Rogan's podcast to champion Calvinism, drawing parallels between his political battles and theological debates. "Calvinism is tremendous," Trump declared, likening predestination to his political victories—inevitable and ordained. "Just like I defend Christian values from the radical left, I'm here to protect Calvinism from the fake news of theological liberals."

Rogan, intrigued, asked about non-denominationalism. Trump dismissed it as "the so-called 'normal Christianity'—a watered-down version pushed by liberals trying to change the narrative."

He continued, "These theological liberals want to make everything non-denominational, like a bland soup where everyone picks their own beliefs. But real Christianity has structure and order, just like my administration."

Trump's defense of Calvinism resonated with his evangelical supporters, who see him as a defender of traditional Christian values against modern reinterpretations. "The left wants to tear down crosses and rewrite theology," Trump warned. “They believe in free will—like anyone can just walk into greatness without being chosen first. It’s chaos, Joe, absolute chaos. But under my leadership, we won't let them redefine what true Christianity is."

The interview left theologians puzzled and comedy writers entertained, as Trump's unique take on religious debates added a new layer of humor to the podcast world.

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Christian Pacifists Reinterpret Romans 13 After Tragic Animal Incidents

Fred and Peanut Become Latest Mascots for Justice In a surprising twist, Christian pacifists have taken a page from the revolutionary Presbyterians' book by reinterpreting Romans 13, following the tragic demise of Fred the squirrel and Peanut the raccoon at the hands of government officials. These furry martyrs have sparked a theological debate, as pacifists now argue that Romans 13 supports civil disobedience against unjust state actions. Fred and Peanut, beloved local mascots, were allegedly "neutralized" for causing minor disruptions in a public park. Their untimely deaths have become a rallying cry for pacifists, who argue that the state's actions were neither just nor necessary. In response, pacifists assert that Romans 13, traditionally seen as a call to obey governing authorities, actually mandates resistance when the state acts contrary to God's will. They emphasize Paul's call to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21) as a directive to ch...

Cracker Barrel Celebrates Pride with Drag Brunch and Bud Light

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Men Named "David" More Likely to Suffer Identity Crisis

Matt Chandler, the lead pastor of Southern Village Church in Flower Mound, Texas, has shot to the evangelical spotlight in after preaching a sermon in which he proclaims that "You're not David!" to an unsuspecting captive audience. In doing so, however, he inadvertently caused a mass identity crisis among an unlikely, oddly-specific demographic: people who actually are named "David." One person, who commented on the condition of anonymity, said: "I've been called David my whole life. Now that I've been told I'm not David, I don't even know who I am anymore. I've started going by my middle name, but nobody's ever called me "Matthew" before and it's really taking some getting used to. My children look at me like I'm a stranger. My wife says she feels like she's sleeping with another man. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I'm having an identity crisis. What do I do? We reached out to a local counselor for ...

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