Local Authorities Warn of Halloween Treats Laced with Heresies

Parents Urged to Inspect Sweets for Signs of Pelagianism, Provisionism, and Other Philosophical Poisons

Local authorities are ramping up warnings this Halloween, advising parents to thoroughly inspect their children's candy for signs of tampering—particularly candy laced with trace amounts of deadly substances such as Provisionism, Arminianism, Pelagianism, and other free-will theistic philosophies.

“Sure, check for razor blades,” said one concerned parent, “but what about those suspiciously liberal-looking gummy bears? They might be pushing humanistic agendas!”

“While we’re all for a good scare, the last thing we need is our kids questioning predestination over a handful of Skittles,” said one concerned pastor.

Experts suggest discarding any candy that seems overly permissive, especially if it promotes self-determination over divine grace. “If it’s not wrapped in scripture, toss it!” another parent exclaimed. Parents are urged to stay vigilant; after all, the only thing scarier than Halloween is a child questioning their faith!

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Dave Ramsey Flags Reformation Heritage Books as “Spiritual Treasure, Budgetary Trap”

Financial guru says the Puritans are great, but maxing out your credit card for a 12‑volume set on covenant theology is not a “baby step.” NASHVILLE — Personal finance icon Dave Ramsey has reportedly issued a pointed caution to Christians everywhere: Reformation Heritage Books is a spiritual danger to your budget, and one careless click on “Complete Works of John Owen” could slide you straight back into the “debt spiral” he has spent decades trying to prevent. According to sources familiar with the matter, the warning came during a segment on “biblically responsible spending,” when a caller asked whether it was wise to purchase a multi‑volume set of Reformed classics on a credit card. “Look,” Ramsey reportedly replied, “I love the Puritans. I love deep theology. I do not love you going into debt for a book you will read six pages of before you fall asleep.” Ramsey’s team is said to have flagged Reformation Heritage Books not because the content is bad, but because the catalog is long, ...

Shane & Shane’s Newest Partnership: Slayer

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