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Local Authorities Warn of Halloween Treats Laced with Heresies

Parents Urged to Inspect Sweets for Signs of Pelagianism, Provisionism, and Other Philosophical Poisons


 Local authorities are ramping up warnings this Halloween, advising parents to thoroughly inspect their children's candy for signs of tampering—particularly candy laced with trace amounts of deadly substances such as Provisionism, Arminianism, Pelagianism, and other free-will theistic philosophies. 

“Sure, check for razor blades,” said one concerned parent, “but what about those suspiciously liberal-looking gummy bears? They might be pushing humanistic agendas!”

“While we’re all for a good scare, the last thing we need is our kids questioning predestination over a handful of Skittles,” said one concerned pastor.

Experts suggest discarding any candy that seems overly permissive, especially if it promotes self-determination over divine grace. “If it’s not wrapped in scripture, toss it!” another parent exclaimed. Parents are urged to stay vigilant; after all, the only thing scarier than Halloween is a child questioning their faith!

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